Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Going through the Motions

When I started my FET cycle, I intentionally did not put my name on cyclesisters or post my news on Mel's "Lost and Found". I didn't want people coming by to check on what was going on, feeling like I was their daily entertainment and not leaving a comment. I do periodically check my statcounter and I've seen the numbers increase when I'm cycling. I wanted to hear from the women who have been following along and who would leave supportive comments. Thank you for those comments and e-mails. They have been helping me get through.

This cycle has been particularly challenging for me emotionally. I've had to re-live some of the trauma I previously experienced. I've had to examine my regrets. When I mentioned the post about peeing on sticks from The School of Hard Knocked-Up, I didn't expand on her suggestion of having a Plan B. I don't really have a Plan B. The whole fertility treatment nightmare has been so hard on me that I don't know that I could emotionally stand another IVF cycle. One Plan B scenario would look like this: IVF cycle with CGH, which would involve another FET since all the embryos have to be frozen while waiting for the test results. Maybe I could handle one more IVF cycle, but another frozen cycle on top of that? And I may have to do another clomid challenge. If I can't talk my doctor out of that, I may bail on the whole thing. I feel like another clomid challenge would be a waste of eggs, and I don't think I have that many good ones left.

Why am I talking about all this? I woke up this morning and peed, feeling confident that I was not going to POAS. I went back to bed, and eventually, a panic attack came 'round. I don't know what started it, but I tend to get them in the mornings. Then, I started having AF-like cramps again, and I needed to know. I did pee on a stick, actually two sticks, and they did come up negative. Maybe things could turn around, but these cramps just feel like the hormones are postponing the inevitable. I hope I'm wrong. I have no intuition about this because the hormones just mess with that. I'm in the familiar awful cycle of hope and despair.

The thing is, through all this, I've fallen in love with my spirit_baby. I know I'll be heartbroken if she doesn't come. I know that it may be that the embryos just weren't good enough and it has nothing to do with her. Since I have no Plan B, I know this may be it. The end of the road of trying. There is no hope for a chance pregnancy because the vasectomy my husband had 15 years ago was successful. There are no sperm. I've hoped for a miracle, but it isn't going to happen. I've given up hope that he will have a reverse vasectomy. I won't go into the anger I have about that, not that it would be a guarantee anyways. I never wanted to do any of this, the shots, the doctors visits, the emotional turmoil. I've hated it but muddled through.

I understand more than I care to, yet I know nothing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions now with the medications. It is completely out of my control, not that I really had any to begin with, though it's a nice fantasy. Thanks for listening to me vent.


onwardandsideways said...

I think I understand this post very well. I have an underlying fear that if this, and subsequent, cycles didn't/don't work... we will have to shut the door. Doubt my husband will warm to adoption. It is terrifying.

I will tell you that on the network54 board... many, many women post about having AF-like cramps during the 2ww. I know I sure did. And most of them ended up with a beta+.

I'm not trying to blow sunshine, but it's so hard on us to only envision negative outcomes.

I know how hard this is -- believe me!

I wish I could say you'll make it through, or offer you words of wisdom. I guess I can only say be very, very kind to yourself. And don't give up loving that spirit baby until you have to.

Anonymous said...

Hey there...we had our FET's on the same day and I came here today to check up on you and see if I'm alone in my crazy thoughts. Turns out - Im not!! I also gave in this morning and POAS'd and so sorry I did!!
Your feelings are identical to mine. I don't have a plan B. My thoughts are with you and I hope youre just feeling the side effects of the drugs not AF.
Best of luck!!

DAVs said...

Well, first of all DAMN those pee sticks. I hate them. I hope it's just too early.

I completely and totally understand what you mean about not having a plan B. I mean, here we are, five months post dismal CCRM failure and really haven't made any motions towards ANYTHING else, except a la natural. It's a weird limbo place to be.

But I, too, have heard of so many ladies saying they thought for sure they were having AF cramps and then lo and behold, BFP. When is your official beta?

Sending you peace.

Duck said...

LIsten I know I said that I'm not reading blogs, but, I'm reading you, of course, because we're close and I'm thinking of you anway. I so want this to happen for you, and it must be hard that your DH has a vasectomy that he won't reverse, and I understand the dread of a whole new cycle (can I sign up under that sheet please).
Pee sticks are evil created by the devil himself and all should be burned in hell, or that is just my feeling on them.
Hang in there, You know how to contact me if you need me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Phoebe, I'm here to check in and tell you that I have been thinking of you. I can relate to how you are feeling - the hormones make it so you feel like you can trust your body and can't read its signals. I am hoping that it is just too early for the HCG to register. As for plan Bs, I think sometimes you can't have one until you experience and process plan A. That has been my modus operandi for a while now. (I'm not advocating for it because it is hell, but all of this is hell.)

Hugs to you and Magic.

MamaSoon said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough go at it. I hope that you have a special surprise.

I went to get Spirit Babies book. I must start reading it.

Stick vibes to you...

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, Phoebe, never having been through this I have no particular wisdom, but my heart hurts for you and it hopes and hopes and hopes for you. I am thinking of you, hoping for a positive outcome. Do let me know if you want to talk/hang out anytime. I am here. Hang in there.

Lost in Space said...

Okay, I am cursing those evil sticks. I hate the little f@ckers and the stress and pain that they cause.

I completely refuse to give up on this cycle for you. From the first time you spoke of your spirit baby I just knew this cycle would work. End of story. No other option. No "I'm sorry" 's or "Plan B" scenarios from me. I just refuse to believe anything else, my dear.

Love you much and hope to read a very different kind of post in a couple days.

p.s. Sorry I've missed your last couple posts until now..... You aren't far from my thoughts even when I'm not "here".

Anonymous said...

A plan B is not always a new cycle. But the midst of the roller coaster ride of hope and despair isn't a good place to work out the plan B. Here is my assvice, take it or leave it: trust yourself that you will find a way to have peace, whatever the outcome is and however you decide to move on. But that's not to say it doesn't s*ck right now. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

Retro Girl said...

I have so much hope for you! Keep thinking of onwardandsideways's story and the story of your friend out there.

I hope the cramps are just little embies snuggling in for the long haul.
Thinking of you and wishing I could give you a hug IRL.

Anonymous said...

i so wish time would FLY and you can get that big fat positive reading!!

this has got to be so hard right now. I am thinking of you and sending ++++ vibes to the bean.

the misfit said...

I'm so sorry. That's specially hard about the vasectomy.

I agree with the earlier thought: when you need it, you'll see your way clear to a plan B. The problem with not having a plan B now (when you don't actually need it) is, of course, that you do - because knowing what will happen ten steps out lets you not cry so hard if this step isn't what you were hoping for. Sigh. Pee sticks are bad (very unhappy memories), but hope is the real enemy.

I know, sorry, that's a terrible thing to say. Praying for you to conceive your little one!

Dora said...

Too soon! Hang in there. The 2ww is sheer hell!

Emily said...

The 2ww is such a mind f*ck. I am sorry about the BFN this am, it is always heartbreaking even when you know there is still a chance that it is too early. I am thinking of you and hoping that your spirit baby is snuggling in warm and tight and releasing HCG into your system right now...

B said...

I'm sorry to hear this Phoebe. It fuckin sucks. I wish you were in a different place now.

So sorry