Where Can I Find a Mother Mentor?

My last post detailed my minor freak out and fallout. I got over it, life was hunky dory, until this morning. It's hard to say exactly what triggers a panic attack, but they are most unsettling when it's the first thing you wake up to in the morning. I could go over the potential triggers, but when it comes down to it, it really has to do with my mother. I've been thinking this past week that people who have neglectful or crazy mothers do not come out of it unscathed.

I'm have second doubts on the eve of starting my Lu.pron shots for my FET. Make that third, fourth, fifth, and sixths doubts. We could count all the way up to a million if you like, or a billion trillion kajillion. I don't think I'll ever feel ok with being a mother on some level. I never had that base in my life. Perhaps the terror of being abandoned at an early age is what is being triggered. I don't know. I know I'm not crazy because when I don't think about being a mother, I'm fine.

Someone in my support group had a brilliant idea. There have to be mothers out there who would like to be a support to women like me. My idea is of a woman who's children have grown and is the motherly type who would really enjoy mentoring a future-mother-to-be. Kinda like a Big-Mother program, modeled off the Big-Sister program. I don't have any friends or relatives in my life who could fill this role for me, at least none that I can think of. My mother is out, for both emotional and physical reasons. My aunt could have worked, but since she's dead and I'm not very good at communicationg with spirits, then she's not an option either. I think a doula or mid-wife could fit this role, but I'd rather it be someone who isn't charging me money. I want to know that this person is going to be with me thick or thin, check or no check. Does anyone know of a mother-mentoring program like this?

Yeah, I've been on BCPs for four weeks, but I could just bail on it all right now. As it is, I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, and that is not how I want to be a mother. I've been a step-mother, so I know I can handle the logistical parts of being a mother. The whole everything-will-be-fine-when-I-get-pregnant thing does not work for me. Been there, done that, and it just intensifies these fears for me. I know that when it comes down to it, I will have to go through this alone, but I just don't know if I can.