Thursday, April 2, 2009

As the Uterus Turns

This morning, I woke up feeling good. I lay in bed, with some hope. I knew I had to get up for my beta. I did not POAS. When I got in the shower, those all too familiar cramps came back. I had already done some grieving, but as the day wore on, and as the time I knew I would get the call got closer, time seemed to slow down and hope crept in. I got to the point yesterday where I was tired trying to figure it out. I just wanted to know so that I could move on, one direction or the other.

In retrospect, I had a sign that something was wrong. It happened around the time we moved our embryos. I can't remember if it was before or after. One evening, when Magic and I were doing our evening ritual to connect with our spirit_baby, I had a vision of her. She surprised me because she was so in my face. I really am not used to these types of visions, but they seem to be coming more frequent. I didn't know what to think, though. She appeared wild eyed and her hair was all disheveled. I thought it was a good sign, and she was ready to come, though I was a bit worried that it meant she would be a wild child. Now, I think that something was bothering her and she was trying to tell me. I don't know what. Now that I think back, was it the night before we moved the embryos? Oh, I wish I had written it down!

I haven't felt her around for a few days. Last night, I felt particularly empty, but we did the ritual anyways. While I wasn't surprised that the result was negative, I am still sad. I'm not as sad about not being pregnant as I'm sad because I don't know where our spirit_baby went. I'm afraid she left. I'm hoping she just had to take a break. I don't know if it was her or the embryos. I don't know if something went wrong when we transferred the embryos or if she got cold feet. There is one way to find out, though it may be awhile.

In some way, I feel like this is all part of a grander plan. I don't know what that plan is. I had to do the FET before I could move on. I don't know what moving on means, but I know that I would have been haunted by leaving our embryos frozen if we had not transferred them. I couldn't bear the thought of thawing them and letting them perish.

What I am haunted by now is not knowing where our spirit_baby is.
I don't feel lost. I feel heartbroken.

16 comments:

DAVs said...

I'm so sorry for the negative. They always hurt. I'm sorry you're heartbroken. I know your spirit baby will return.
Big hugs.

Emily said...

Oh no, oh no, oh no...I was hoping for a different result. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself and take time to heal.
This post made me so sad :(

Lori said...

Oh, Phoebe. {{{hugs}}}}

I suspect your spirit_baby is immutable. Energy is not subject to limitations of space and time.

May you soon feel connected again, and I wish healing for your heart.

onwardandsideways said...

Oh, Phoebe... I am so, so sorry. I wish I could say or do more, and that is what is so awful about this. It hurts me to read that your heart is broken.

I can say this: when I learned that our only real chance was donor eggs, I began to have a very strong feeling that this was meant to be. I don't know why. Maybe God/the Universe doesn't want my family's genes to continue. They are pretty f'ed up, in my case. Maybe He/She/It just wants me to pass along the wisdom I've learned and that is what was meant to be.

I think it is really good that you tried. How you could not have tried? In the trying, you will find some answers, if perhaps not all.

I don't understand at all why this works for some and not for others. It may not work for us still... but if it does, I will always be in wonder.

Take good care of yourself, and Magic too.

Duck said...

this just doesn't feel right to me Pheobe, I really hope that you're ok, and I wish there was something I could say, anything, that would make things better.

the misfit said...

I think you did the right thing, giving the frozen little ones a chance. It cost you a lot, but they got to spend their short life with their mom, at least, and someday you'll meet them all.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh...I could see the image you described. I could feel your heartbreak. I'm so sorry. :-(

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, Phoebe, I'm so so sorry. I'm grieving for you and hoping for spaces of healing and reconnection with yourself and your spirit baby.

Rela Pantaleon said...

Phoebe, If I am there, I would give you a big, long hug and sit and cry with you...

Arpee @ The Saga of Becoming Fruitful

hardknockedup said...

I am really sorry to hear about your bad news. I hope that you are able to find some peace with your situation. Just sending you warm thoughts.

Clio said...

I'm so sorry Phoebe. Understanding that it's all part of a greater plan sometimes does not help much either in soothing our pain. I hope your grieving process is a short one though, and that you find your spirit baby again, at least in your visions, so you know she's alright.

Cara said...

Pheobe - she'll be back. I think she's still there, just quiet - mourning too?

We never lose our connection without kids - they just show up in differnent ways over the years.

Lost in Space said...

I am so sorry, Phoebe. My heart is broken for and with you. I really do think she will find you again, but suspect she may be quiet for a bit as she grieves and misses you too.

Please call me if you need anything at all, okay? Many, many hugs.

onwardandsideways said...

Hey Phoebe... just wanted to check in on you and say that I'm thinking about ya' and I hope you're okay. Not that being okay is easy by any means right now... take care.

Dora said...

Phoebe, I'm so sorry. You've been through so much. This just sucks!

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm sorry Phoebe. I really thought this was going to be. I do think your spirit baby is out there, waiting for the right situation to come into your life. ((HUGS))