Cycles Good & Bad

The touchiness I wrote about in my last post was what I could only suspect: PMS. I started spotting today on CD19. This is not good. It means that 1) I did not ovulate this cycle or 2) I had a bad egg. My last cycle was 26 days long, which I thought was a hopeful sign that I was turning the tides. My hot flashes had been getting less frequent, but started up again shortly after I returned from my trip, which should have been around the time I would have been ovulating.

I discussed with Em, one of my acupuncturists about my previous voluminous CM. She suggested that I put some warming things in my juice, like ginger. I started doing that and cut back on drinking juice so much, going down to once a day. As I mentioned previously, my CM seemed to have dried up this cycle. I don't understand how it can go from blowing-snot-out-my-vaj-yay to the Sahara desert.

I discussed this all with Dr. F, my other acupuncturist. He thought that maybe I was going through some kind of cleansing, and that my body was expelling mucus that could have been in my girly-parts. He optimistically said it might make me more fertile and was I still trying naturally? I had to remind him that it would be an immaculate conception, after which he apologized for forgetting my history (for the umpteenth time). I personally think that I was on the wrong Chinese herbs this cycle, but I couldn't get in to see him sooner, due to the fact that he cancelled on me twice!! Dr. F prescribes my herbs, and I take one formula between my period and ovulation, and a different formula after ovulation until I have my period again.

The PMS moodiness resulted in a mini-meltdown yesterday morning as I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff I need to do to try to retain/resuscitate my fertility. I'm feeling emotionally a bit better now, and I need to take the reins on getting this figured out. I was by a Chinese medicine apothecary today, and was able to talk to the acupuncturist. He reminded me that fertility issues basically come down to supporting the adrenal glands. I'm not sure if I should just keep working with Dr. F on this or switch to this other acupuncturist. Dr. F has 30 years experience and definitely knows what he is talking about, but I haven't always responded well to the adrenal supplements he has given me. The other guy has had 20 years experience, and a friend of mine who used to see me said that she took a lot of supplements when she saw him, which doesn't really speak to how good he is. I know that my body is very particular about what I take, and Dr. F is generally good about prescribing me herbs and supplements, but he is not perfect. I hate times like these when I don't know what to do, but know that I have to do something.

I have since cut out the ginger in my juice, as it might just be too warming for me, and I went back to juicing twice a day. I do need to get back to paying attention to my adrenal health. I think it is going to be the key to keeping my fertility going for a while longer yet.

I finally got my big-girl-panties on and scheduled a follow-up appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. My body just cringes when I think about any fertility treatments, but resistance is futile. My plan was to get tested again on CD3, but with the short cycle and hot flashes, I don't think that would be a good idea right now. This means that doing IVF is going to be delayed. I was hoping for a November retrieval, but with this short cycle, that would put retrieval right at the full moon, and I know that would be a failure. The full moon and me don't mix. This most likely puts a retrieval right before Christmas. Not ideal, but I can't do anything about it.

I have been trying to prepare myself for the very real fact that this may not work with my own eggs. I'm trying to tell myself that I am ready to move on, but it just isn't working. The last time I talked with Magic about donor eggs, he said "no" again. I am not ready for donor eggs, but I'm not ready to give up yet either. I have less faith in my eggs than I did two years ago. My confidence has been shaken. I'm beyond the whole "I should have gotten married/pregnant when I was younger" thing because it's a moot point. I just hate getting older.

The weird thing is that I'm having the same symptoms I had four years ago, THE SAME SYMPTOMS. The difference is that I had not radically changed my diet yet and I did not start weekly acupuncture. I have done all that (plus a little surgery), and what worked a couple of years ago doesn't seem to be working anymore. I feel that if I could just figure out what to do, I could buy myself some time. That's what I say to myself when I'm feeling optimistic. More often these days, I feel pessimistic. One of the resigning things I have been saying to myself is, "you can't fight your genetics". No one in my family ever got pregnant at my age (not that they were really trying). I hope to write a post soon on some of my family background that was recently revealed to me. It's that vicious cycle of hope and despair all over again.

Birthday Bitch

Yesterday was one of those days when it was too hot to do anything but sit in front of the TV. The movie "Meet_The_Parents" was on TV. Magic and I got a good laugh and decided that we needed to watch the next in this series, "Meet_the_Fockers", which is even funnier. Who can forget the party scene where they are pointing out all the relatives, like Dom Focker and Ima Focker?! I really wanted to see the scene where Jinxy the cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet. The problem was that I forgot the whole part about the fiance having a surprise pregnancy (have you heard of birth control?), and the rest of the movie involved trying to hide it from her uptight dad. It is amazing what triggers me and that one simple thing was enough to set me off for the rest of the night into the next day. First, I was sad because Jinxy the cat is a dead ringer for the late, great Mr. B, our Himalayan cat who preceded Fluffernutter in passing. I started crying about missing him because I was so in love with him! You had to know Mr. B to understand. He just had that kind of charismatic personality, even though he was a cat. Mr. B's passing always seems to remind me of every other loss we have had since, so I was quickly a mess.

Imagine how I felt today when I opened this belated birthday card:

(inside) "EAT THE BIRTHDAY CAKE
YOU SKINNY BITCH!"

OMG, I laughed my ass off!! Thank you to the blogger who sent me this (you know who you are). I don't think it would take you too long to guess who sent me this, but please don't guess, or I'll have to delete your comment! You totally made my day! The funniest thing about this is that I had just left a comment on Mad Hatter's post about giving up birthday cake on my birthday. The irony of it is that Ms.-Holier-Than-Thou did have Italian chocolate the day before my birthday. Since my BFF had hand carried some over from Eat-aly, who was I to turn it down? The chocolate was the prize for answering trivia questions about our high skool daze. The second best prize was this:

The Popener

I just had to throw that one in for laughs. I guess you would have had to go to an all girls Catholic high skool, or be Catholic to appreciate this one. Thank you for the belated birthday card mystery blogger!!

More Love Needed

A few of my Fertile Forties friends are in need of your loving words.

The Barren Goddess got some bad news on her embryos. She's waiting for more results on this latest IVF cycle. Please give her a hug and some cheer while you are at it.

Dear Sky has lost her pregnancy. I'm in shock. Her loss has brought me to tears. Please go sit with her as she grieves this incomprehensible loss.

Some days I feel 34. Other days, I feel 43. Right now, I feel 43.

43yrs 3d

Only 362 more days to go until I am no longer eligible to do IVF with my own eggs at BigShotFertilityClinic. I was telling Magic last week how depressing it was that I was turning 34. Then I caught myself. I have a little dyslexia creep in once in awhile, which is not age related. Then I thought about it. Why couldn't I be 34 for a year? Everyone is always talking about how having a positive outlook can help you get pregnant. Instead of bemoaning the fact that I am now officially 43, I can just pretent I'm 34. I don't feel any older than 34, at least in my mind.

I attended my 25th high school reunion this past weekend as well. This was the first high school reunion I have been to, craftily having avoided all the others. Enough time has passed from teenage angst days that I really wanted to see where everyone was in their lives. Plus, I got to stay with my BFF, someone who I don't see often these days. It is daunting to have a number "25 years" in front of anything at my age, but I would have to say that all my classmates looked great, a little weight gain aside. Some women looked even more beautiful than when we were teenagers. A little over a third of our classmates attended out of a class of 63. I could only deduce that myself and one other did not have our own children, but I did not get a chance to directly ask everyone, though that was one of the standard questions. I was hoping to meet more women who didn't have children. There was only one gal like me who got married later in life who has been trying but no luck yet.

The juicer came with me this time, half way across the country. I found a rolley bag that worked well to pack it in and didn't get hassled too much at airport security about carrying it on. I really wanted to take pictures of my juicer on my trip, in the airport, at the reunion, but I think I would have gotten odd looks from my classmates who haven't seen me in 25 years. The crazy lady with the juicer. I didn't juice as fervently as I do at home, but at least I felt like my whole routine wasn't shot from traveling. I even found my brand of frozen wheatgrass juice at the store. My CM has taken a hike this cycle, and I'm not sure how much the traveling had to do with that. I had fun catching up with my classmates, but me and my juicer are glad to be home. I think I'm good for reunions for another 25 years!

A Brutal Week - Send Love

It's been a rough week for fellow bloggers on the IF path this week. This may be old news to many, but since I live under a big ol' IF rock, I'm just getting to this. Please take some time to send your love to them. Two gals miscarried this week, Mo and Will and Sprogblogger. When I read Sprogblogger's news on Friday, I just sat numb at my computer screen. This was the last of the truly bad news I had read all week on the IF blogs. Both gals have had multiple miscarriages, so my heart goes out to them.

Please send a big hug over to Nikki who got a BFN on her FET from IVF #5 with two beautifully thawed embryos. Nikki has also been on this path way too long. Kate also got a BFN on IVF #2 converted to IUI. Kate holds a special place in my heart because we are the same age : ) on the same path.

Jill's FET cycle was canceled with a WTF poor lining. She was giving it her all to prepare her body, and then this bombshell.

Finally, please give a shout out to Mrs. LastChanceIVF who has endured drama after drama for her last chance at IVF. Let's be her cheerleaders hoping her retrieval goes off sans the drama on Tuesday! Universe, can we catch a break here this week?

Liberated

It was the consolation prize to the llama packing trip. We could not convince the teenagers to go more than a few days on a trip, so we bagged the llama packing, much to Magic's chagrin, and decided to take a yoga class at a local retreat center with this gal. It was a really great getaway, but I definitely could have gone longer. Our trip was not quite long enough to de-stress entirely, but long enough to recognize how stressed out I have been.

Our yoga workshop focused on dealing with anxiety and depression. Hmmm, this might be good for dealing with IF treatments, eh? I actually went with an attitude of "I'm not going to learn anything, but it will be a good review". Not that I'm any kind of yogi, by any stretch of the imagination. I actually learned some interesting things. One was that you can have a yoga workshop with 75 people in a large tent outdoors. We froze our asses off the first night at 8000 feet and were roasting the next day. Welcome to the Rockies.

The workshop focused on restorative yoga. I kinda poo-pooed restorative yoga in the past since I wasn't getting much of a workout. I have been so stressed about this "Mission Impossible" IVF that I do need something to de-stress. Working out is important, but so is taking time to relax. I often times feel like I don't have time to relax. Time. It feels like it is constantly slipping away from me as my body parts head south. I know time is an illusion, based on my premonitions of my car accident (how could I have seen it coming?).

The highlight of the trip was this:

This is the Great_Stupa_of_Dharmakhaya which_liberates_upon_seeing. I never got tired of visiting it. We made many hikes up to see the stupa, at least a couple of times a day. It was breathtaking at night. Even the Dalai_Lama has been here, but you don't have to be Buddhist to appreciate the stupa. It was build as a symbol of peace to inspire people from all kinds of backgrounds.

I'm happy to be back to my juicer though. No juice of any kind to be found at the retreat center. I definitely noticed a difference, with less energy by the end of the trip.

I'm on CD25 today! Another slightly longer than normal cycle. Let's see how long this one goes for. I'm guessing AF will be coming tomorrow. Maybe in time for the lunar eclipse?