Going through the Motions

When I started my FET cycle, I intentionally did not put my name on cyclesisters or post my news on Mel's "Lost and Found". I didn't want people coming by to check on what was going on, feeling like I was their daily entertainment and not leaving a comment. I do periodically check my statcounter and I've seen the numbers increase when I'm cycling. I wanted to hear from the women who have been following along and who would leave supportive comments. Thank you for those comments and e-mails. They have been helping me get through.

This cycle has been particularly challenging for me emotionally. I've had to re-live some of the trauma I previously experienced. I've had to examine my regrets. When I mentioned the post about peeing on sticks from The School of Hard Knocked-Up, I didn't expand on her suggestion of having a Plan B. I don't really have a Plan B. The whole fertility treatment nightmare has been so hard on me that I don't know that I could emotionally stand another IVF cycle. One Plan B scenario would look like this: IVF cycle with CGH, which would involve another FET since all the embryos have to be frozen while waiting for the test results. Maybe I could handle one more IVF cycle, but another frozen cycle on top of that? And I may have to do another clomid challenge. If I can't talk my doctor out of that, I may bail on the whole thing. I feel like another clomid challenge would be a waste of eggs, and I don't think I have that many good ones left.

Why am I talking about all this? I woke up this morning and peed, feeling confident that I was not going to POAS. I went back to bed, and eventually, a panic attack came 'round. I don't know what started it, but I tend to get them in the mornings. Then, I started having AF-like cramps again, and I needed to know. I did pee on a stick, actually two sticks, and they did come up negative. Maybe things could turn around, but these cramps just feel like the hormones are postponing the inevitable. I hope I'm wrong. I have no intuition about this because the hormones just mess with that. I'm in the familiar awful cycle of hope and despair.

The thing is, through all this, I've fallen in love with my spirit_baby. I know I'll be heartbroken if she doesn't come. I know that it may be that the embryos just weren't good enough and it has nothing to do with her. Since I have no Plan B, I know this may be it. The end of the road of trying. There is no hope for a chance pregnancy because the vasectomy my husband had 15 years ago was successful. There are no sperm. I've hoped for a miracle, but it isn't going to happen. I've given up hope that he will have a reverse vasectomy. I won't go into the anger I have about that, not that it would be a guarantee anyways. I never wanted to do any of this, the shots, the doctors visits, the emotional turmoil. I've hated it but muddled through.

I understand more than I care to, yet I know nothing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions now with the medications. It is completely out of my control, not that I really had any to begin with, though it's a nice fantasy. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Hot and Bothered

The Hot Flash Queen, Mrs. Duck, is apparently correct. I assumed that hot flashes mean you are deficient in some kind of hormone, presumably estrogen. I never got my hormone levels when they drew my blood last week before my transfer. I just assumed that I didn't need to worry about numbers when I got the message that everything looked good. Apparently, I have enough estrogen to supply a support group for menopausal women for a month, by my meager calculations. My E2 was just about as high as it was for my IVF cycle, just shy of 2000. I think that's crazy, and if I end up not pregnant, I'm gonna have a hellava hormone crash.

My nurse confirmed with me that the hormone fluctuations are what cause the hot flashes. She didn't seem concerned about it, so why should I? Because I keep getting these AF-like cramps. What would cause the hormone fluctuations? Implantation? I don't know, but that's pretty late for implantation - 5 days after transfer? I think last time I implanted 4 days after transfer, from my symptoms.

So what did I do yesterday but walked to the store to buy some evil pee sticks. Of course I could not wait to try one. That's like buying a chocolate bar and not eating any of it for 4 days. And of course it came up negative in the middle of the day after I had just peed an hour earlier 5 days after transfer and quite possibly the same day as implantation (?). My internal brain was eating crow, as I know I have told many a woman who has done the same thing that it's too early! It's my 2ww and I'll pee on a stick if I want to!! I've also optimistically told many women that AF-like cramps can also mean you are pregnant. Apparently, that optimism does not extend to hormonal moi.

After that lovely POAS experience and the weeping that eventually ensued that night and this morning, I have sworn off the evil sticks...until Thursday morning. Nishkanu has a great post about peeing on sticks. I agree with her that one should not POAS until as close to beta as possible, as in the morning of, but I could not wait. Now that I have had the negative reinforcement shock therapy, I am not going to drive myself crazy for the next two days.

Here's a great story. I have a friend here who has been my cycle buddy. She did her transfer with DE at BigShotFertilityClinic a week before mine. She was peeing on some cheapo sticks she bought last year, and they kept coming up negative. To torture her more, she had to wait an extra day to get her beta because of our blizzard. When she tested negative yet again the day of her beta, she was sure she was not pregnant. Not only did her beta come back positive, but it's so high that we are sure she's pregnant with twins.

I hope that my rising hCG is inversely proportional to the height of snow in my backyard, which is melting quickly!

Talk to Me

All us who have been through it know that the 2ww sucks, but one does not know how much it sucketh until in it. Here's the thing. I'm getting hot flashes. Seriously, hot flashes? Me thinks this can not be good. If anyone else has experienced the same thing and had a BFP, please let me know. I'm confused, and my mind dwells on doom. What is the medical explanation?

It's going to be a long five days.