Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Fork in the Road

It's been a rough week post negative.

Yesterday, I was on my way to my acupuncturist when I saw something I usually don't see around town - a pickup pulling a trailer with a donkey in it. I laughed to myself. That pretty much described my day yesterday; draggin' ass!

I have not had a drink since we got the bad news. I didn't even smoke the weed I found in a baggie in my stepson's dirty sock in the mountain of laundry I washed before our FET. It was a WTF/LOL moment when I discovered it! About the worse thing I have done is eat some cheese. I did not even stoop to chocolate, until yesterday. I could not stay awake yesterday at work, and I had bags under my eyes. Finally, I got a chocolate bar at the vending machine to see if I would feel better. I perked up a bit afterward, meaning my hormones are surely fucked.

I would like to think this reaction has to do with some wisdom I've gained at the age of 42. Drinking, drugs, and crappy food are just going to make me feel worse, and I already feel crappy enough between the grief and the wild hormone ride. My liver has gone tilt with the hormone overload and a drink isn't going to help it do it's job. Magic is getting the brunt of my hormonal-ness, with grumpiness and fits o' rage interspersed with lying-in-bed-non-functionality-depression.

I've dreaded this moment where I'm standing at a Y in the road. One direction is the child-less route, the other is another-IVF route. My confidence has been shaken after this BFN. I was also a bit surprised at how much I grieved this loss. I think, how at my age can I possibly think about doing another IVF with my own eggs? I was surprised to find how many women are doing the same after perusing the "IVF 40-44" forum on IVFConnections. I was also comforted by discovering that Wombded is pregnant at 43 with her own eggs after her second IVF. Regardless, it's not going to be easy, but I'm just not quite ready to throw in the towel, even though going through another IVF cycle is going to be only slightly better than waterboarding.

I felt some hope after seeing EM, my acupuncturist yesterday. I felt better after the acupuncture and got some more supplements that we haven't tried before, like Co-Q 10 and L-arginine. I'm back on Chinese herbs too. I know that the protocol and the lab probably help more than anything, but I do believe the Chinese medicine/acupuncture/supplements/good-lifestyle helps as well for egg quality.

The day of my beta, I asked for a price sheet for IVF. I was already considering going down this route. The money is really out of our reach, but we do have more frozen sperm, enough for one more try. Monday is the regroup with Dr. BloSunMyCha at BigShotFertilityClinic. He'll have the final say whether we can move forward or not with my own eggs. The decision probably won't be made until I am submitted to further poking, prodding, and other indignities. I just hope I don't have to do another Clomid challenge, though at least it's better than waterboarding (my new mantra).


Lost in Space said...

I have to disagree about the alcohol. Nothing like a good glass (okay, a bottle) of wine to drown it all away for a bit. (-;

I'm wishing you weren't at this crossroads. It is such a weird place to be, huh? One step at a time to decide on the next part of your journey.

Thinking of you lots, my dear....

Lori said...

It's hard to be at that Y, knowing you may get only one more chance.

Good on ya for respecting your body. Really? A dirty sock?

Emily said...

I know this post really wasn't meant to be funny, but it was cracking me up - the weed in the sock - LOL!

You do sound better...

Wishing you luck on whatever path you decide!

Phoebe said...

Lost in Space - I almost caved tonight, then I thought about my poor liver! Hey, if you lived here, I'd share that bottle with you!

Lori - My theory about the dirty sock is that my stepson was traveling somewhere with the weed, and he put it in a dirty sock so that a cop wouldn't find it. Problem was, he forgot to take it out when he put it in the laundry, LOL!

Emily - actually, it was meant to be kinda funny. At some point, what else can you do but find some humor in it all? Teenagers are pretty hilarious too if you don't let their shenanigans get to you!

This comment is from Clio. I deleted this post, then added it back with a different title. Her comment got caught in between:

I am so sorry about your BFN. It is so devastating. I also understand your anger towards the spirit baby. I'm really dwelling on that phase right now. No matter what I do... and don't take me wrong, I'm extremely spiritual in a very metaphysical way too. but I feel that my desperation has been cashed upon. I'm angry at the people who kept talking about spirit babies to me, and I'm angry at all the spirit babies that don't want me. I apologize if this offends you in any way, please know that it is not my intention. I'm just sharing my state of mind and heart.
What you said about feeling that someone is missing in your family is very deep. I hope you find your way as you work through feelings, expectations and actual possibilities. It is such a stormy ocean to navigate... I'm thinking of you and sending you love and support whatever path you choose.

DAVs said...

The BFNs are awful. Dreadful. I hate them. It always takes me a long time to come out of the funk.
The last one was especially hard--it was at CCRM, and now we're at a fork in the road ourselves. What to do? What to do? I hate the perpetual state of not knowing.

Wishing you an easy decision and some healing.

The alcohol? I can pass that up no problem, having never even been drunk myself (though it sounds kind of nice sometimes!). But chocolate? Well, you know me! :)

onwardandsideways said...

hey phoebe... i am sorry you have to go through this... and i understand about needing to try with your own eggs.

good for you for not punishing your body with anything... maybe at some point you can enjoy a nice glass of wine in a healthy way... until then, take good care and i hope you find some answers and direction soon...

Duck said...

I couldn't resist the wine, and have had some in the past few days, liver be darned, I will do more acupuncture to balance it out. I too am taking the q10 and the other one, hear it may help with the eggs.
IT's hard, these forks, trying to decide what to do, I'm here if you need me.

Retro Girl said...

Bravo on the will power to say no on all those indulgences. I can never do it - after our BFN with our fresh cycle, the first thing I did was down a Corona and then pig out on a very unhealthy dinner and a huge piece of cake...and I would have totally smoked the weed, too...but perhaps not inhaled :-).

I'm thinking of you lots and hoping that the next decision comes with peace and ease. Many hugs.

wereyoulookingforme said...

Your discipline is quite impressive - after what you've been through I think I would have given in to some chemical mood altering. :-)

I don't know if I am going to try IVF again. I don't feel like my body is up to it, no matter how hard I try. We did have the call with the NY RE who wants me to take DHEA and try a cycle there. But I don't know if that is the right path to take...will it get me to where I need to be or is it another 4-5 month delay? I wish there was a magic 8-ball to tell us what to do.

Kami said...

I'm sorry about the BFN.

As for chocolate, I think it is a good thing to perk yourself up every once in awhile.

Sue said...

Totally with RetroGirl on this one. My upside to a BFN is that I can get drunk (a very poor upside, but I am usually desperate for an upside by that time). And, given the state of depression after the BFN, I might have smoked that weed and been transported back to my early 20's and college days and happy memories!

But, I am wondering how your conversation with the big shot RE went (love him! he just seems so NICE)? What's the plan? Its that awful "pick up, dust off, get back on" time with whatever direction you choose. It is just so hard to do over and over again.