Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Stages of Grief

1. Sadness:
It is interesting that in the usual stages of grief, sadness is not mentioned. Depression instead is one of the stages. I am not depressed (yet). I am sad. I am deeply sad that our spirit_baby did not come. Why did she not come? I fell in love with her and now I feel that she has left. I visualized her in my uterus so much that I felt like I was carrying her. It is a loss. My heart aches.

I do come home after work and immediately get into bed and lay there all night. I've been lying on the couch a lot today, but I'm reading a good book. Ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.

2. Anger:
I am angry with our spirit_baby. I gave her so much love, and she gave me nothing back in return. Is she being picky about the embryo she chooses? Doesn't she know how much I have sacrificed for her? How much money I have spent? I don't have time for her to wait. I am already well past the fertility-dropping-off-the-edge-of-a-cliff age. I try not to be angry with her, but until I know the reason why she did not come, I can't help but act out in anger.

I was also angry with Magic initially. I blamed him for scaring away our spirit_baby. He was so grumpy and unsupportive when we moved the embryos. He is afraid of having more children. I know he has acted out of fear. Why won't he have a reverse-vasectomy? Why can't he share in some of the physical agony? I can resolve my anger with Magic more easily than our spirit_baby because he is much easier to talk to.

3. Denial:
Well, I have not gotten my period yet, so maybe I could be pregnant? Pee-on-a-stick cuz what the heck and I have one left. I could still have my miracle, couldn't I? Negative. Start the grief process over again with sadness.

4. Bargaining:
This is one step of the grief process I refuse to submit to. I will not be the desperate barren woman. I will not beg for a child. I will not sell my soul for this quest. I have done that and paid the price. I told myself before I got my beta and knew for sure that I would not let this define my life. I am more than my ability or non-ability to have a child. No, I will not reduce myself to bargaining.

Perhaps the one bit of bargaining I have done is that I have told myself, if only I could know why our spirit_baby did not come, then I would be alright. I have tried to contact her again, but I been unsuccessful in getting anything back. Maybe if I could reach her, then she will come the next time we try. Ok, I am bargaining. Fuck.

5. Acceptance:
I felt a twang of acceptance this morning. I had been through all the other stages of grief. Then, as I felt this bit of acceptance, I cycled through all the other stages of grief again, but more deeply this time. I suppose this is how it will be, for awhile yet.

10 comments:

OHN said...

There is no rule that says you need to rush through any stage to get to another. Take all the time you need to cycle through the stages as many times as you need.

Nobody can tell you when it has been "long enough".

Retro Girl said...

This is a good post - a reminder that the feelings associated with this crap are normal. I just wish so much that you were writing about the stages as an "outsider", not as someone going through the direct experience of them all :-(.

Thinking of you - lots of hugs.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh, those stages are oh so real...take your time, it's healthy to feel all of them completely.

DAVs said...

I understand the stages, certainly, but I don't put too much stock in them. I mean, on any given day at any given time I might in any one of them, and I can't make any predictions about where I will be next. Who knows. I'm just sorry any of us have to feel this way related to a process that should be so natural and easy. Thinking of you.

Emily said...

I am so sorry for your pain. Take your time, grieve as you need to. I am thinking of you...

Duck said...

I'm here. I get it, I totally get the angry, the angry at others ( i felt that way after the m/c - I was positive - I connected I visualized and all I could think is "who fed this up?). So it's normal, and I'm here.

Coming2Terms said...

There is no linear grieving process ...but just know that you're not alone in your feelings or questions. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and let us know what we can do to help...

onwardandsideways said...

I can relate to anger as well. And deep sorrow. I felt both intensely for a few days there...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, Phoebe.

I could be wrong, but I don't sense that your spirit_baby is gone for good.

And yes, how come men are particularly awful just when you need them to be supportive?!

Lost in Space said...

Crap, this part really sucks, huh? I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort to make it better, but we must go through all of these stages to make our way through.

Grief is not a linear process and jumping around through the stages is sometimes the hardest part of it all. We don't know which part is next or what will trigger it to come.

Hang in there and know that I am still next to you, walking along this effed up journey (clearly I'm back to anger). (-; Love you.....

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm sorry you are going through this - it hurts even more when you put extra investment into a cycle. give yourself time to experience this aftermath, don't feel like you have to rush through. I wish I could give you a real life hug right now.