The Stages of Grief

1. Sadness:
It is interesting that in the usual stages of grief, sadness is not mentioned. Depression instead is one of the stages. I am not depressed (yet). I am sad. I am deeply sad that our spirit_baby did not come. Why did she not come? I fell in love with her and now I feel that she has left. I visualized her in my uterus so much that I felt like I was carrying her. It is a loss. My heart aches.

I do come home after work and immediately get into bed and lay there all night. I've been lying on the couch a lot today, but I'm reading a good book. Ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.

2. Anger:
I am angry with our spirit_baby. I gave her so much love, and she gave me nothing back in return. Is she being picky about the embryo she chooses? Doesn't she know how much I have sacrificed for her? How much money I have spent? I don't have time for her to wait. I am already well past the fertility-dropping-off-the-edge-of-a-cliff age. I try not to be angry with her, but until I know the reason why she did not come, I can't help but act out in anger.

I was also angry with Magic initially. I blamed him for scaring away our spirit_baby. He was so grumpy and unsupportive when we moved the embryos. He is afraid of having more children. I know he has acted out of fear. Why won't he have a reverse-vasectomy? Why can't he share in some of the physical agony? I can resolve my anger with Magic more easily than our spirit_baby because he is much easier to talk to.

3. Denial:
Well, I have not gotten my period yet, so maybe I could be pregnant? Pee-on-a-stick cuz what the heck and I have one left. I could still have my miracle, couldn't I? Negative. Start the grief process over again with sadness.

4. Bargaining:
This is one step of the grief process I refuse to submit to. I will not be the desperate barren woman. I will not beg for a child. I will not sell my soul for this quest. I have done that and paid the price. I told myself before I got my beta and knew for sure that I would not let this define my life. I am more than my ability or non-ability to have a child. No, I will not reduce myself to bargaining.

Perhaps the one bit of bargaining I have done is that I have told myself, if only I could know why our spirit_baby did not come, then I would be alright. I have tried to contact her again, but I been unsuccessful in getting anything back. Maybe if I could reach her, then she will come the next time we try. Ok, I am bargaining. Fuck.

5. Acceptance:
I felt a twang of acceptance this morning. I had been through all the other stages of grief. Then, as I felt this bit of acceptance, I cycled through all the other stages of grief again, but more deeply this time. I suppose this is how it will be, for awhile yet.