The Year of Loss

New Year's Eve is usually a time to reflect on the previous year.  For me, it was just another blow, just another loss to top off an incredibly crappy year.  Let's review the year's losses:

• lost my mind
• lost my pregnancy
• lost my equity, at least half of it

and to top it all off, New Year's Eve

• lost my car

After waiting for over two weeks, my insurance company finally decided to total my car.  I was bummed.  My car represented to me something that I bought that I totally loved.  After buying a house that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes in my life, I bought my car and I loved it.  

After The Reading with the author of "Sp.ir.it Ba.bies", I was very disoriented.  It was as if I was in that spiritual plane.  I should not have been driving, let alone been talking on my cell phone while driving.  My boss called me.  She was making sure I was going to take care of some things before I went on vacation.  I told her I was coming in.  I told her I would take care of those things, but she just kept asking me again.  She heard the whole thing.  She heard me screaming on the phone.  It was deja vu to me.  I had two premonitions about the car accident that week, two feelings of screaming on the phone while getting into a car accident.  I thought I was just having another anxiety attack, that my craziness was coming back.  I was distracted driving and made a bad judgment call.  But for whatever reason, I felt it was meant to be.  I have mild whiplash.  Parts of my face still goes numb, which kinda freaked me out at first, but I'm getting used to it.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. Although I loved my car, which was a 2000 Toyota RAV4, I'm thinking that maybe I should buy a compact SUV that has a better safety record, like a Subaru. My mothering instincts are telling me to buy the car with the better safety ratings and side air bags if I'm going to be transporting a baby around. Besides, it's just a car.  I can get over that pretty easily.  I would like to get opinions from my readers, so I will put a poll up. Which car should I buy?

Let's recap the good things that happened in 2008, and there were a few bright spots in The Year of Loss:

• I learned a lot about trauma first hand.  I know this sounds like a weird thing, but the trauma of my pregnancy highlighted the trauma of my childhood.  The trauma of my car accident did not have any emotional baggage associated with it, so I am learning how trauma stays in the body and mind.  That's one reason why I think the car accident was meant to happen.  It's all this circle, and I think getting to the source of all the traumas in my life will ultimately be helpful.
• Magic's hip surgery was a success.
• Fluffernutter, my cat is still alive at 19 and still holding on.
• I had one of my best gardens ever with a killer basil harvest, which I am still enjoying.
• I sold my house.  I lost half my equity and more money just fixing up the place to sell it, but it's gone.  I won't be losing any other money on that.  I bought when the market was high just after Bush came in office and sold when the market was at the low just before Bush left office.  I needed the money in my equity and I didn't want to wait 3-4 years to the market to recover to sell it.  Plus, I would have had to sink more money into my house to keep it up.  Thanks a lot Mr. President.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out of office!!
• I paid off most of my outstanding bills.  I'm out of debt, for now.
• I found out I really didn't lose my mind.  From The Reading, I discovered that I was in tune with what was happening on this other spiritual plane.  Sorry to be vague, but most people wouldn't really understand.  Nevertheless, the whole experience sucked.  Oh wait, this is supposed to be the happy list...

I thought 2007 was bad.  2008 was worse.  Regardless, I do know that things could be a lot worse.  I just hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us who need it.