Friday, November 21, 2008

Maybe This Wasn't Such a Good Idea

"Can you let yourself take a break from this for awhile?" said my trauma therapist last night. She was referring to my planning on trying again and the emotion it has been bringing up for me. When I think about being pregnant again, the panic attacks start coming up and I worry that I'm going to have a repeat of my past experience.

I thought maybe it would be a good idea. Maybe I should take a break from blogging and think about getting pregnant. As I checked my e-mail today, I went into automatic comment moderation when one comment showed up. Next automatic blogging action is to check on all my blogs. I noticed that I reacted to the entries I read, and thought again, yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to take a break.

Another comment showed up in the meanwhile, and I wondered why all the sudden I started getting comments today after not having a blog entry since Sunday. The commenter's signature reminded me, "from ICLW". Oh yeah, I signed up for the monthy Comment-o-thon. Nice timing.

I wondered if my trauma therapist thought that my reliving my trauma from my pregnancy was too much for me. I am making progress. I uncovered some really old baggage last night. I need to go there. I have to do this if I'm going to get through another pregnancy. The only way is through it.

If you are new to reading my blog, you are going to notice here that I don't tell my "story". I've learned that it is better for me not to retell my story because it re-traumatizes me. This is the first time I have been aware of being traumatized in my life, though I am sure it has happened before, and now I understand what it means to experience Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. My latest mantra is, "I'm not going there," meaning I'm not going to succumb to the nervous system overload that trauma causes.

I can tell you some parts of my story on my babymaking journey. Fibroids, IUI, IVF, prenatal depression & anxiety, multiples, and loss. I prefer to think of my blog more as Eat, Pray, Love, some of my most favorite topics to talk about.


April said...

:( i remember my therapist asking me if i thought that i could not cycle and what would happen. the funniest thing about it is that it was BEFORE i even started with IUIs. i felt like she was already trying to talk me out of it.

sometimes blogging helps... ;)


Sam said...

that wasn't good timing was it!!? However, I do have a little button on my blog that says "blogging without obligation" - blogging because you want to not because you have to - you could always take that approach with blogging - blog when you want to not because you feel pressured to.

Melanie said...

It's times like these when we need a magic 8 ball for adults, with more situation appropriate advice than "try again later." Infertility and loss, as you know, oh too well, is overwhelming. And we often overwhelm ourselves more by surrounding ourselves with it so intimately through blogs and support groups, etc. You seem to be a well rounded, grounded person. You'll do the right thing for yourself.

Echloe said...

You've been throught so much. It is no wonder that you are traumatized. I hope that your doctors an help you get throught this dark time. I'm so sorry.

And they could be right about the taking a break from blogging business. Sometimes I wonder if knowing this much is good for me.


nh said...

I think perhaps if you need a break - you need a break, no matter what. But equally sometimes getting those feelings out thee does help!


Shelby said...

Hi there,

I can completely understand the position you are in. Although I don't know you story per say, I can certainly read so much loss in your words. Very few people, unless they too have been through the same thing, have very little idea of how traumatic it really is. 6 months after my miscarriage, I sit here as a changed person and as a more fearful person in so many ways. My heart goes out to you and I wish you healing. I'm glad you have someone who is working with you towards this. Take care!

By the way, thanks for stopping by my digs~ ICLW

Michelle said...

You do whatever is best for you and only you know what that is. I hope you find peace in your journey and everything works out the best for you.

Lost in Space said...

ICLW can be a busy time so do whatever you need to do. If that means bailing, then by all means take that break. Huge hugs, Phoebe.

Mo and Will said...


Hi from ICLW.

Agh. It's tricky isn't it?! When is blogging (or trying to conceive) cathartic and when is it masochistic or retraumatizing? My therapist also got a worried look when I told her that I and my husband Will were going to go ahead for IVF #3 (after losing three pregnancies and nearly my sanity and my marriage in the past year). She said, "how will you cope if you have another loss?" and the answer is that I don't know. But I do know that waiting was starting to be more painful than trying again. Hang in there. PTSD is a treatable condition. I hope you're getting good help.

And if it's helpful for you, I hope you keep blogging (if it isn't helpful to blog, I hope you trust your instincts and take a break). I really like your site and have added it to my blogroll.

I guess most of all, please know that you aren't alone.