One of the tools that was used in my support group was a variety of oracle cards. I used to have a deck long ago of spirit animal cards. It had been a long time since I had used any cards on a regular basis. Living in Woo-woo-ville, using cards like these isn't such a stretch. Now, I'm as woo-woo as it gets, so I don't mind this kinda stuff. I gravitated towards these magical cards:
These are beautiful purple cards with gold gilding on the edges. Each card has a different but beautiful drawing of a fairy with a message.
When I got to our local New_Age bookstore, I noticed that the author of these cards had a dozen types of these "oracle" cards. I thought, how do I know if I should have the Angel cards or the Goddess cards? I mean, I think angels are pretty cool. There were a half a dozen decks lined up at the cash register open so you could check them out. I pulled a card from the Angel deck. It said, "Fairies" across the top with the inscription, "Fairies are nature's angels. You are destined to heal Mother Earth". "Wow!" I thought. I heal Mother Earth in my job. Fairies deck it is!! I also got a Pema_Chodron calendar half off.
When I went home, I asked a question to be answer by my new cards. I asked, "What guidance can you give about my fears of being a mother?" I pulled this tear jerking card as an answer:
Your connection with children
is part of your life's purpose.
When I went to work the next day, I put up my new Pema_Chodron calendar, "Awakening the Heart". This calendar has quotes from Pema's book "When_Things_Fall_Apart", which is a book I read about 11 years ago when my life fell apart. The quote for February said this:
The trick is to keep exploring, and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we though. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought.
I thought about bailing out of our FET, but it was coming from a place of fear, from my survial instinct. Part of me, a strong part, feels like I'm going to lose my life if I have children, which is true on some level. The life that I have known will die, but what will be the life that will blossom?? Pregnancy was nothing like I thought it would be. It was a nightmare for me. I will never know how it will be to have a child if I don't jump off that cliff again into the great chasm. I just hope I will be caught. Or maybe, I'll grow wings and learn how to fly?
Most importantly, when I sense into my heart, I can feel my love for my spirit baby. I can feel my love for my embryos. I don't feel right leaving them frozen in suspended animation forever.
We are moving forward.