Friday, February 20, 2009

Disturbance in the Force

I got my box of medicines in the mail today for our FET. Magic said to me, "did you get everything you wanted?" I said, "I got everything, but it wasn't what I wanted." I can only imagine this is probably a similar response Brenda over at No Regrets would have had to her news today. Please go over and give her support as she grieves from her latest loss from IVF#3.

I woke up one day this week with a mild panic attack. It was reminiscent of the half hour to hour long panic attacks I used to wake up with when I was pregnant. I talked about my fears of my life changing after having a child. I talked about the challenges of finding a new shrink. I was getting all worked up describing the nine phone calls and how Magic told me he would have given up after four. I could feel my stress rising, the hopelessness creeping in. When I was done pouring out my fears, the person I was telling it to looked at me with a blank stare back and a flat response,

"I'm sure you will find someone,"

meaning I would find a new shrink. I didn't know if that blank stare was a "are you effin' crazy?" or the realization that she indeed was dealing with a nut case? It was as if I was flashing back to the time when I really needed help. Everyone who I reached out to had the same exact response. Either, they didn't know what to say or they just assumed I'd work it out or they thought someone else would take care of me. Or they were just too apathetic to give a damn. Or they were flabbergasted when I wasn't all happy when I should have been. You get pregnant and then life is all sunshine and roses, right? It's like the many responses I got around the issue. When I recently asked my mom if she would be there for me to help me through pregnancy, she said, "what's there to help you with? You get pregnant, and you have a baby. What's the big deal?" It's that moment when you realize the person you are talking to can't help you. Then, you feel like no one can. Totally alone. Doomed.

I tried my trauma tricks, but they would only work for a little while. I was back to obsessing about being abandoned again after a short reprive. I felt completely vulnerable.

Eventually, some exercise and a determination not to let this define me snapped me out of it. But I couldn't help but notice as I was writing this post, that reminders of my upcoming FET were all around me - my meds, my instructions, the latest notes I had taken from talking with my nurse, the cold formal legal documents e-mailed from the new fertility lab stating that they don't recommend transfering embryos from one clinic to another. I found it interesting that they had the time to look up my e-mail address instead of returning my phone call today. These were not happy reminders.

When I sit in the moment and just be, I am happy. I find this more comforting than thinking about the needles I am about to stick in my flesh. When I commune with my spirit baby, I feel soothed. We are in this together. She makes me feel happy. I don't worry about the liquid nitrogen vapors releasing when I transfer my embryos, prematurely thawing them out and killing them. I'm a jumble of emotions, thoughts and fears.


The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, Phoebe, I so remember that sense of aloneness, of reaching out and not getting the response I so needed. Let me know if you want to get together to talk or whatever. I have a therapist friend in your neck of the woods. I'll ask if she knows of any good psychiatrists who deal with prenatal mood disorders...But do let me know if you want to get together or talk by phone or whatever. I'm here!

Duck said...

Thanks for reminding me, I was doing this and then stopped, and I think i need to go back to making that connection again, it too gives me such a feeling of peace.
Good luck with the hunt for a great shrink, they are hard to find, but they too are out there, somewhere.

Lost in Space said...

Thanks, Phoebe....

I'm sorry you have found those around you to be less than supportive. I am always just a phone call away whenever you need me, wishing I could do more......... Hugs.

Anonymous said...

This post reminded me of some pre-natal meditation work we did in which we were asked to "communicate" with the women in our family and ask them to spiritually be with us for the birth and to watch over us, offer us guidance.

As I pictured my mom and sisters and grandma, they were all happy to help out and my grandma was (like your mom) "You don't need any help. You'll be fine."

Which was not the response I wanted. In fact, it suddenly struck me that no one believed I needed any help. I lived my whole life being and appearing to be very independent, someone who is very together and resourceful and capable and has no need for the help of others.

I realized what a double-edged sword that was because while I benefited my whole life from being strong, it also meant I was completely alone in moments of doubt, fear and weakness. I was so scared and felt so alone (but felt that it was my fault for never showing my vulnerabilities in these other areas of my life -- but to my defence, I mostly never spilled my guts because I knew people would/could never help -- that blank stare you talk of! how i dread it!!)

anyway, from out of the blue a person I never expected appeared in my meditation and said very sincerely and calmly that he would be there; that he understood my situation and he would watch over me. I burst out crying and couldn’t stop even after the meditation was over. It was so beautiful that someone I least expected appeared and believed I really was scared and didn’t dismiss it as nonsense.

I think there will be/is someone out there who will be the rock you need. You don’t need an army or a cheering section, you need one person in whom you trust and believe in and who makes you believe in your instincts.

I think it’s a very good sign that communicating with your spirit baby is soothing. What matters is your relationship with the baby. While you will need people around you to create a calm, peaceful environment around you and the baby, it really does come down to just you and the child. That is all that matters, that bond, that love and that gaze.

Sweet Pea and I bonded so closely when I was surrounded by people who did nothing but criticize and judge me. We locked ourselves away and cried together. We share something very deep because of this understanding and because of the hard times we went through together.

It is not a given that just because your path to motherhood may be paved with thorns and tears that your relationship with your baby and your life as a parent will be doomed. Rather, I believe you will be a better stronger parent because of the sacrifices and deep awareness you are experiencing.

I believe in you Phoebe. Listen to your heart.