Friday, February 27, 2009


On Monday, I was seriously questioning if I was moving forward in the right direction. I was terrified of becoming a mother. I needed guidance. During these times when my animal brain has a grip on me, I seek out wisdom from the divine.

One of the tools that was used in my support group was a variety of oracle cards. I used to have a deck long ago of spirit animal cards. It had been a long time since I had used any cards on a regular basis. Living in Woo-woo-ville, using cards like these isn't such a stretch. Now, I'm as woo-woo as it gets, so I don't mind this kinda stuff. I gravitated towards these magical cards:

These are beautiful purple cards with gold gilding on the edges. Each card has a different but beautiful drawing of a fairy with a message.

When I got to our local New_Age bookstore, I noticed that the author of these cards had a dozen types of these "oracle" cards. I thought, how do I know if I should have the Angel cards or the Goddess cards? I mean, I think angels are pretty cool. There were a half a dozen decks lined up at the cash register open so you could check them out. I pulled a card from the Angel deck. It said, "Fairies" across the top with the inscription, "Fairies are nature's angels. You are destined to heal Mother Earth". "Wow!" I thought. I heal Mother Earth in my job. Fairies deck it is!! I also got a Pema_Chodron calendar half off.

When I went home, I asked a question to be answer by my new cards. I asked, "What guidance can you give about my fears of being a mother?" I pulled this tear jerking card as an answer:

Your connection with children
is part of your life's purpose.

When I went to work the next day, I put up my new Pema_Chodron calendar, "Awakening the Heart". This calendar has quotes from Pema's book "When_Things_Fall_Apart", which is a book I read about 11 years ago when my life fell apart. The quote for February said this:

The trick is to keep exploring, and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we though. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought.

I thought about bailing out of our FET, but it was coming from a place of fear, from my survial instinct. Part of me, a strong part, feels like I'm going to lose my life if I have children, which is true on some level. The life that I have known will die, but what will be the life that will blossom?? Pregnancy was nothing like I thought it would be. It was a nightmare for me. I will never know how it will be to have a child if I don't jump off that cliff again into the great chasm. I just hope I will be caught. Or maybe, I'll grow wings and learn how to fly?

Most importantly, when I sense into my heart, I can feel my love for my spirit baby. I can feel my love for my embryos. I don't feel right leaving them frozen in suspended animation forever.

We are moving forward.


Cara said...

Ahhh - the inner voice is just such a powerful thing. I'm so glad your was loud and clear!!


The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, this made me cry! Thank you for sharing your hope, your courage, your vulnerability.

DAVs said...

I'm so glad you're moving forward.

And woo-woo land made me laugh! I loved your town!! My husband was drooling over all the Tibetan/Buddhism bookstores and shops.

Duck said...

Pheobe, so glad that your following your heart :). Can't wait for both of you to follow through with that connection. Thanks so much for introducing me to spirit babies, really it has made such a difference

Retro Girl said...

Great post and great signs...I'm also glad you are moving forward - for yourself and for totally selfish reasons...:-).

Anonymous said...

What a powerful message to have been given!

Running away from fear can only lead to regrets later on in life.

I always think of how brave you were in school (you can delete this: about your brace) and I knew you were a person with a strong determined sense of what you wanted and what you could do. You worked hard to be who you are. You will never succumb to what your mother is.

When I was preggo I had lots of danger/high risk dreams in which I had to sled down vertical sandy cliffs; walk across over chasms using suspended wooden bridges that were missing lots of slats; paddle down rapids with no paddle.

Weirdly, the initial fear turned into "Oh well, might as well." and I just jumped into it (while people around me in the dream told me not to), did what had to be done and completed each task safely. The shitting brick fear turned into exhilaration and pride which gave me strength the next time I had another similar danger dream.

I like your metaphor of taking the plunge as the way to finally grow wings.

Clio said...

I love oracles.
great to hear you are hopeful again.
I believe all women have wings, we just have to remember them. ;)

I tagged you for the honest scrap award: