Cross-Pollination: Dreams

A guest blog entry, bought to you by the Great Blog Cross-Pollination! Ok, this was supposed to happen on November 9th, but my first attempt at cross-pollinating didn't work out so well. Let's just say I'm a late bloomer, which I'm still hoping to be the case IRL!! Let me not hog the stage any longer...

I am thinking about dreams today. Specifically, I'm thinking about the things that we all expect, the ways in which we expect our lives will proceed.

I think you know what I am talking about. We expect that we will have a great job, a stable home, perhaps marriage (didn't you play to be a bride, with a tea towel for a veil?)

I am thinking of a friend of mine, who for whatever reason, has not gotten married. And I am thinking of the friend I saw tonight, who got married, but late in life, and her children, they are step children, almost completely grown.

When we talk about infertility, we talk about the pain of missed dreams. We talk about how we expected our lives to be, and how they actually are, and the pain, well, the pain is in the difference. When we look at, hold up in our minds, and turn it about, and what we expected for our lives, the ways in which we thought our lives would proceed, it is different than things really are.

We talk about infertility being isolating, and it is. We talk about it being a deep seated pain, and it is. But it does not seem that it should be that way. You see, dreams, I am learning, they are universal things. And the ways in which life takes our dreams away from us, it seems that this is universal too. Why is it that we can't see past the dreams that we have, the dreams that are not fulfilled, the dreams that we don't see come true, to the dreams of others? Why is it that when a dream dies, it is so isolating? I can, on some level, comprehend. The struggle with deep emotional pain is that it does not admit others - the long lasting, unfathomable pain we are in, it does not allow us to see past it.

But if it did, I wonder if infertiles could lead the charge in supporting others as their dreams were crushed, and the world did not answer their dreams? I wonder if this community, who is so supportive, this community that has brought solace and succor to my soul, could lead the way in helping others cope.

I wonder if we could find the words to say that we understand the fall out when dreams don't come true, we understand hoping and longing and weeping and sorrow, and while your dream might not have been mine, the pain and the sadness at not having your dreams come true, I can speak that language, and I will abide with you, as we wait for that place where all our dreams come true?

Now it's your turn to try to guess our guest blogger's identity in the comments (no cheating).

You can read my cross-pollination post here.

More Disturbing Hospital Screw-ups

The front page of the paper ran a story about another major screw up at our local hospital. This one was about a nurse stealing Fen_tanyl and replacing it with saline. Fen_tanyl is a drug they use to kill pain during surgery. I winced as I read a story about a man who woke up in the recovery room in agony after knee surgery. He apparently got the saline instead of the real stuff.

The reason I was riveted by this story is that Magic had the same experience four months ago when he had his hip resurfaced. The nurse that was pinching the drugs was hired in June, and Magic's surgery was in July, but the dates he was being implicated for were September through October. I wondered if maybe he could have been stealing before that and they just didn't have the evidence for it. Apparently, this person wasn't too smart because you have to enter an electronic code to access this controlled drug. They just tracked the tampered vials back to this nurse.

Magic told me that he woke up in the recovery room in a lot of pain. I couldn't see him in the recovery room, so there was nothing I could do for him. However, once he got to his room, I was prepared for such an emergency. You see, Magic was already on quite a bit of pain medication for his back, from a surgery that didn't go too well a few years ago, and his hip that was grinding bone against bone for way too long. He knew he would need extra pain medication during surgery, but thought he didn't get enough when he woke up in lot of pain after surgery. I brought some extra medication from home and slipped it to him throughout the night to get him through. Now we are wondering if he was one of the first victims of the slippery fingered nurse.

The whole thing with Magic's pain management was a disaster during his surgery. The doctor who usually managed his pain was out of town when Magic had his surgery, after he told her when it would be. She spaced it out, so Michael didn't have his normal pain doc around after he got out of surgery. Because I had to give him extra meds and because the hospital dispensed Magic's own prescription at a higher than normal rate while he was in the hospital, he needed to refill his prescriptions sooner than normal. This tipped off a whole freak out from pharmacists to the insurance company to the original pain doctor. They were basically accusing Magic of being a drug addict. Personally, I think this was set off by Heath Led.ger's death since he had illegal prescriptions of some of the same pain meds that Magic was on. Magic made his case though, and pointed out how he had a legitimate prescription from his pain doctor for everything, and that he needed extra pain medication during and after his surgery. Everyone eventually chilled out, and the good news is that because Magic's hip healed fabulously, he has significantly reduced his pain medications. He still has to take some because of his back problems (i.e. missing parts of a disc).

In fact, Magic is doing so well, he is hiking circles around me now. Whereas before, I had to wait for him and he would have to turn around in agony after hiking a mile, limping all the way, now he is hiking up and down the trail like a puppy dog while he is waiting for me to catch up with him. I'm glad that we can now hike together, but this is ridiculous!

I told Magic that he should pursue with the hospital about the pain med mix up, but I'm sure the hospital is going to be in enough hot water and law suits.

For the Record

It was a panic attack.

The meeting with Dr. G set off a whole string of reactions. I recovered fairly quickly, after two days, but still, there it was.

The worst part of it was hearing that I would be at a greater risk of having a repeat of what happened before. Still a small risk, but not as small as you would think, up to 10%. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet. I get nervous just thinking about it.

Anatomy of a Panic Attack

Or was it?

I woke up at 4:00am this morning, which is pretty typical for me. I checked in with my body. Usually, if I eat something and stretch a little, I can get back to sleep. So I got up, had a snack, popped a 5-H.T.P, just to cover all my bases, and listened to a relaxation tape to get back to sleep. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head about yesterday's events. I decided that I was going to meditate while listening to the relaxing sounds of waves, but my heart had other ideas. It was pounding. I felt like I was having the physical effects of a panic attack, without the mental freakout. I wondered if it was really a panic attack after all?

Stress
I decided to consult my book on adrenal fatigue to try to get some answers. First, I did not eat breakfast yesterday. Bad news if your adrenals are maxed out. I figure I pretty much live in a state of adrenal stress, and it will remain that way until I retire. I rarely miss breakfast, but I was rushed for my early morning appointment with Dr. G.

Second, this was my first appointment with an RE in seven months. Any trip to a fertility clinic is stressful. It didn't help that we were interrupted by a frantic knock on the door and a call for Dr. G to help a woman. I had no idea what was going on, though I made up some good, but terrifying, fantasies about it. Apparently, a woman had passed out after her bloodwork. Maybe she skipped breakfast too.

I did a pretty good job of not completely melting into a puddle of tears during my visit with Dr. G, though there were a few tear-jerking, pull-out-the-tissues moments while I was giving my background. I couldn't totally avoid my whole story. The information I was given by Dr. G was not comforting, though it was helpful. More difficult decisions will have to be made if I decide to go forward with FET or another fresh cycle. The stress from this one visit reminded me of all the anxiety I've sucked up for every RE visit, ultrasound, or bloodwork.

*insert your favorite expletive here*

Shortly after the RE visit, I had a meeting in which chocolate was available o-plenty. I had recently weaned myself of chocolate but went off the wagon as a cure for Wednesday's hangover. I decided this morning that the chocolate wasn't a good idea either for my stress.

Immediately after the choco-fest meeting, I'm faced with my co-worker's newborn. I made myself stay there, instead of doing the usual scurrying- away-before-she-sees-me tactic. It was too late to do that anyways. I also asked to hold her baby, because I wanted to see how I would react. Perhaps the timing wasn't stellar just after my RE meeting, but the Universe has an uncanny way of putting things in my face when I least expect it.

*more, but tamer, expletives*

That all added up to a lot of stress that I have not dissipated yet. I'm having lots of reminiscing about unpleasant pregnancy memories today, what ifs, and just general gloom-and-doominess. This is not a good path that I should be traveling down.

To DHEA, or not to DHEA
I was pleased that I did not get any DE lectures yesterday, but the "do you take DHEA" question came up. I told Dr. G that I was on 5 mg of DHEA. He was curious why I didn't take more, as REs kinda tow the line of taking quite a bit more than that to improve egg quality. I responded that I have high testosterone with only 5 mg. I've got a Lauren Bacall type of voice, but there is only just so much more I want my voice to get deeper anyways. As it is, I get mixed up with Magic when I answer the phone (and vice versa!). My testosterone is on the high side anyways without DHEA, and I certainly don't want any more facial hair than I already have. I went back on DHEA 12 days ago when I had another craptacular cycle, this time my second shortest at 14 days. The record breaker was three cycles before that at 13 days. It seems that I get all geared up to ovulate, and then I get my period instead. I'm completely befuddled by this, and of course did not utter word of it to Dr. G lest he throw me out of his office right then and there. I'm assuming it's due to poor egg quality and the DHEA would help. However, DHEA has an annoying side effect. I was curious if my heart pounding had anything to do with the DHEA. Dr. Google confirmed my suspicions. I also read that DHEA can cause abnormal menses. I decided I would stick with pregnenolone supplementation, which is another hormone precursor, but safer than DHEA. Pregnenolone is a precursor to progesterone as well as other important hormones, including the ones that DHEA is a precursor to.

I'm left wondering if I am experiencing some trauma reaction to yesterday's events, the side effects of DHEA, or a little of both. It's clear that I need to be more vigilant about stress in my life. Stress is the fertility killer.

Testing the Waters

I began my speech with, "I don't know how much of my story I can tell because I might start crying".

After I had made some progress with my last trauma therapy session, I decided I was ready to try again. My first plan of action was to make an appointment with the big time fertility clinic in my area. Everybody knows which one it is because, I will give you a hint, it's number one in the nation. It's only a 15 minute drive to their office branch near my house. You might wonder why I did not do my IVF cycles there before. I had consulted with one of their REs previously, but I did not have a good experience with her. They have a relatively new RE who I have heard good reviews about. I couldn't believe how quickly I got an appointment with him, which could have been the next day, but I stretched it to the day after that. It's a good thing, because I had a hangover yesterday morning. My main reason for going to the appointment was to get an update on my uterus in terms of any fibroids that might be lurking there, and to check out this new RE, Dr. G, in case I decide to switch clinics.

Most of the details of my first appointment with Dr. G can be read about on my private blog. If you have access to my private blog, you can click here to read more.

I'll go back in about two weeks for another ultrasound to see what the status of my fibroids are. Dr. G did say that the size and location of what appears to be a fibroid that Dr. Wonderful saw two months ago would not be a problem for future pregnancy at this point.

As it usually seems to go with doctor's appointments at fertility clinics, the information I got from Dr. G did not clarify my decisions. If anything, it seemed to make them that much more complicated.

YES!!

I am truly inspired by the night's election results. I helped a friend of mine who was canvassing tonight at the last minute drag a voter to the polls 20 minutes before voting closed. The nightmare of the last eight year is over! And Amendment 48 went down in flames too! I won't have to be Sarah Palin for Halloween again (for at least for another four years)!

This is an historic election. I kept saying to my friends, "I'm so happy!!" I have hope again for our country and for the world. Our new president to be said it so well, "Yes we can!"

Show & Tell: Palin vs. Phoebe

I really enjoyed the laughs at work I got out of my Halloween costume this year. The scary thing was that I didn't have to tell anyone who I was. I made one co-worker ill. I even wore female torture devices, called pumps, all day and night, something I never do and hope I won't be crippled permanently in the name of a little fun. I recouped some of my costume costs by winning a $25 gift certificate to REI for the "most transformed", though others wanted to nominate me for the "scariest" category.

Move over Sarah. I'm going to be the next hottie in the White House!

Join the rest of the class at Mel's Show & Tell.