The Process

Part of our decision to go ahead with trying with my eggs now is that we knew the whole donor egg process will take awhile. Part of the process is getting my family on board with egg donation, which I have not worked on yet. We knew we would have to wait until next year to try with donor eggs. If my family member were to agree to egg donation, we will have to fly her here for the work up, and then cycle, so we were well into next year.

I was really at a conflict about what do to. Magic surprised me with a seemingly logical solution. He said, let's try now. If it doesn't work, it will take time for us to recover before doing a cycle with donor eggs. We will also have to see where he is at with his job situation. He suggested that if he starts making a regular salary again, then we can try. If not, we would not try because we would not have the money. Having money be a barrier to having a child really sucks, but it is a reality. My motto is, if there is a will, there is a way.

I also kept thinking that if I was ever going to have a chance with my eggs again, this was it and BigShotClinic is THE place to do it. Hot flashes be damned, statistics be damned, we are going to give this our best shot. I have never thought of myself as "infertile". I'm just old and my husband had a vasectomy. We can overcome these things with the advances in technology. I just have a feeling that I've got a couple of good eggs in there still. As I told Dr. BloSun, we are not going to know what my embryos are like until they look at them in the lab. Last time I did IVF, the embryologist told me that she was surprised. My embryos looked like those of a woman 10 years younger than me. I am not someone who has been trying and trying on my own with my husband for a long time. He had a vasectomy that worked, so there is no chance of us getting pregnant doing it ourselves. I knew this when I married him, but I was naive at how intense IVF is. Even if you had a known fertile woman do IVF, there is no guarantee she will get pregnant.

I started having doubts about doing my cycle now. I've got this whole thing about having my transfer anywhere near the full moon. When I got my calendar, my estimated transfer is right between the new and full moon. I started to worry that I would be too near the full moon. I looked at the calendar, and thought a transfer in December would have been better. I started to beat myself up. Last weekend, it felt like December here, with snow and below freezing temperatures. I thought, I don't want to do an IVF cycle in that kind of weather so close to Christmas. If felt too stressful. Even though there is a good chance that I might be on bed rest or have my transfer on Thanksgiving, it feels right to do this now. On Wednesday, I read this post from Sheri's intuitive Tuesdays, and I knew I had picked the right time to do this (read my comment too). Later in the day, I read on IVF.Connections that BigShotClinic doesn't allow anyone to start stims after Dec 1st because of their shut down over the holidays, and I would have been out for December if I had waited another month to start my estrogen priming. To wait until January at my age is too risky to try with my eggs again. This is the right time for me to be doing this cycle. I can feel it!

Thank you so much for your support. I do not think I could go through these highly stressful fertility treatments without you gals.

It is time for me to ask of your help once again. I am looking for donations of any unused medications for our upcoming cycle. As much of the country has been impacted by the current financial crisis, so have we. My husband has not pulled in a regular salary in a year. My job is solid, but because I am a g-woman, I do not make enough to cover all of our expenses. We will be borrowing for this upcoming cycle anyway we can. If you have any of the following, I would really appreciate your help. I can pay for shipping and make a "donation" for your donation too!

Cetro.tide

Foll.istim, 900iu cartridges preferably

Men.opur

Viv.elle

Endo.metrin

Sai.zen

You can e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com for details.

Now, I'm off to make my juice.

The Hearts Have It

I've been putting this post off, because what I'm about to say next terrifies me. When I said I was "crapping my big-girl-panties" in my last sign off, I was partly feeling like I was getting yelled at by Dr. BloSunMyCha and partly feeling like, "holy crap, I might actually do this?!" I also wanted to take the weekend off from talking about fertility treatments and infertility. This last month has been so stressful, from the follow-up with Dr. BloSunMyCha, to the weighing of our options, and trying to decide what to do next. I had my first "hypnofertility" session last night. I'll post about that later. I will say that it relaxed me. Now, I just need one of these every night!

I really appreciated you gals getting all up in arms in my defense! Let me just say that I am not angry at Dr. BloSun. Actually, after the e-mail I got yesterday from him regarding my recent questioning of taking preventive antibiotics, I may take that statement back. More on that later. I think Dr. BS is mostly just doing his job, making sure I know what I'm getting in for. However, I see this as negative hypnosis. I know what he said had a huge emotional impact on me. In my heart, I still wanted to try one more time with my eggs and see if what I have been doing the last three months have been making a difference. My cycles have been basically very similar to what they were a year and a half ago when I last did IVF. My head was telling me the logical choice was to move on to donor eggs as it has the best statistical chances for us.

I thought I would never make a decision based on going against the "facts". I thought I would be a "smart" person. I also did not want to make any decisions based on fear. The fact is that by going right to donor eggs, I was allowing my fear of failure to get the best of me. I do not want to go into DE with any regrets. I do not ever want to wonder, "what if?" I can see how it affected the woman from my friend's baby shower. I see the shadow of regret and doubt in her face when she said to me, "so you got pregnant with your own eggs?" I could go straight to DE, but I also do not want that shadow the rest of my life. This is the only way to know.

We are following our hearts against the "medical experts". I feel happy about this decision, and terrified at the same time. We are trying one more time with my eggs. I also feel that it's fair that Dr. BS put some conditions on how many follicles he wanted us to have before going into egg retrieval. Frankly, I would rather he make that decision, than coming to us and saying, "what do you want to do?" I've been in that position before, and it's a hard decision to make. I also feel like I've got it in me to make five mature follicles, at least, I think I do!

Today, I started the est.race for the estrogen priming protocol. If you want to know what this protocol looks like, go over to Heidi's blog and click on the menu on the right where it says "The Protocol That Worked". Be forewarned that there is a picture of her infant daughter on her last blog post that you will see when you click over. The difference between her protocol and mine is that I'm starting the est.race on CD1 (today) and not taking it as long, as she extended hers because of a vacation. I think I will be on max stims too (been there, done that). I don't have my full calendar yet. I take the est.race orally, so I will not be among the blue skid marked smurfettes that Jill so colorfully described in her FET protocol. Maybe I'll just turn blue, but it will be out of the anxiety of holding my breath, not from the blue pills!

I'm also preparing to move this whole show over to Word.press. I'll transfer all my posts over, but I feel like I just need that password protect option. I've stopped posting on my other private blog. I need to move on from the past for the sake of our spirit baby. I'll miss some of the nice features of Blogger, but I need to ensure my privacy. I'll allow anyone access that asks to my private posts. I'm still going to need lots and lots of support through this!! I just do not want to feel like a celebrity reality show, providing entertainment to the masses. If you want to lurk on my private posts, that's fine. I just want to know who you are. The other nice feature of Word.press is that I can block IP addresses. Not that I'm planning on doing this, but if I get any harassment, which happened to me on my old blog that no longer exists, I can do something about it now. It will be a few weeks probably before I actually make the move. I'll be password protecting all my posts that have the details of my IVF cycle.

Here's the antibiotic story I mentioned earlier: My nurse called me and told me I would be taking antibiotics this month, which surprised me, since I'm not doing any procedures. I'm not a big fan of antibiotics, as I think it was one of the factors that led to me getting leaky gut syndrome and developing food sensitivities. BigShotClinic makes their patients take antibiotics every time they pass your cervix, which is ridiculous. I never did this at my old clinic, and I was just fine. For the third time, I had to send an e-mail to Dr. BS asking if I could forgo the "preventative" antibiotics this month. His response was something like, "yes, you can forgo the antibiotics, but I strongly recommend that you take them, or else your cycle may not be as successful". Now I really felt like Dr. BS was living up to his new acronym and just trying to strong arm me. I also told him that I would be happy to do IV antibiotics and that this would be my preference for egg retrieval. This is what I did at my old clinic, in lieu of oral antibiotics. I basically skipped my whole gut, but still got the antibiotics. Dr. BS responded to this, saying that IV antibiotics would not reach the uterus as well as oral antibiotics. WTF?? Doesn't the oral antibiotics go into the bloodstream from the gut, and wouldn't the liver and intestinal enzymes break down some of those antibiotics? I was so baffled by his BS, that I ran this past Dr. F, my acupuncturist who has never given his two kids antibiotics EVER. He supported me 100%, which made me feel better about standing up to Dr. BS. Oh, and Sweet Georgia hit the nail on the head when she said the polar body testing was for their study, not for my benefit. I really feel the coercion after realizing that (grrrr).

It scares me how narrow an RE's knowledge is. I know I am going to get comments like, "can you change doctors?", but they are all narrow-minded in my opinion. Dr. BS is the 4th RE I've been to, and I really don't think it's going to get any better than this. I just want to get my eggs to BigShotClinics fabulous lab and hope they do their magic there for some viable embryos!

Holy crap, I really am doing this!!

The Answer

I did not send my e-mail right away to Dr. BS. I needed time to calm down and make sure I finished it when I was not so emotional about the issue. I began drafting the e-mail Monday night. This morning, I woke up early, and realized that I needed to make a decision by Friday about starting EPP, in case my period comes early. I finished the e-mail, and sent it off to Dr. BS at 6:30am. Being the incredibly efficient and punctual man that he is, he replied by 11:30am. It truly is the one thing I love about this doctor, his accessibility.

I needed to send Magic an e-mail about something else, so I logged on to my personal account, knowing that "The Answer" could be there. My heart pounded. It was there. I read some other e-mails first. I considered waiting until tonight to read Dr. BS's e-mail. I had already surrendered myself to "whatever will be, will be". I finally got my big-girl-panties on again, and opened the e-mail. I will paraphase the answer here. I have changed all the names and exact wording to protect the innocent.

"Dear Phoebe,

I hope that you have been well.

At our last regroup, I told you your eggs were crap and that you should use donor eggs (ed note: you only kinda recommended it after the fact, being the super sweet nice guy that you are). You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting pregnant, let alone having a live baby. We here at BigShotFertilityClinic would not normally let someone like you ruin our statistics. But because you wanted a "last shot" at IVF, I was going to be nice enough to let you do IVF with polar body testing required. The pregnancy rate for polar body normal embryos is 17%, and by the way, don't forget that it will be a cold day in hell before you get a polar body normal embryo.

Obviously, I can not make you do the testing (ed note: really? then how could you "require" it before?), but I can't imagine why you wouldn't want this wealth of information on why your eggs are crap? If you insist on doing IVF with your own eggs, then I will require that you have 5 follicles that will be mature by the time of retrieval as determined by me. I hope you don't feel any pressure here about me cancelling your cycle, but if you agree to this, then you can waste your money on this cycle.

Have a nice day.

Dr. BloSun"

Crapping my big-girl-panties over here.

You Are a Smart Bunch!

This enhancing your fertility gig is my second job right now. Unfortunately, it does not leave me much time for blogging. My addition of frozen wheatgrass juice and vegetable juices seem to be working. Now, if I just had some time for sleep!

TMI Alert Ahead (You've been warned)!
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I am having the most crrraaazy cervical mucus. I shared this with my 51 year old friend, who is currently pregnant with twins from DE. She said, "you mean like the stuff I had back in college?" I said, "yeah, that's the point." I'm completely in awe. It's like back then, when I was in college and I didn't really understand what all this goop was in my underwear. Only now, I feel like I am blowing snot out my va-jay-jay (I did warn you). Em, my acupuncturist, says that you can't have too much cervical mucus. Not a problem right now!

You all were right about the Elk_and_Fairy art work from the card I pulled (see last post). I interpreted it as showing that I have lots of follicles left, and there is one, the big one the fairy is pointing to, that must be "the one". The elk is not my husband. Actually, I thought it was a stag, which is my patronus, another good sign.

It has been hard, staying the course. At first, I was very confident in this new path, but it's a major effort everyday. I question myself constantly. I think of myself as 43, but in reality, I'm still 42!! I really have to work at not letting those negative thoughts get the best of me. The grief started to creep back in as well. Em helped me this last session with communicating with the spirits, including my spirit baby! I didn't know she had it in her. It was very interesting. I also got feedback to trust myself and to continue the juicing! The feedback I got was that it doesn't matter what the number of my age is. The juice is helping to reverse the aging of my cells by preventing oxidation and clearing out free radicals (or something like that). Yes, this was the feedback from Em's spirit helpers. My instincts are right on!

I will request to be retested in September. That will be 90 days since I started the juicing, and about as long since my last lousy test results. If all is well, I want to start the estrogen priming. We'll see if my doctor goes along with my plan. I still have not done a follow up since my test results in June. I figure, what's the rush? I do need to take care of that. One step at a time. Let's hope I can turn the clock back with this crazy juicing obsession of mine.

Choosing Life

This has been my motto since Friday, "chose life". What point would it be to go around moping about my bad statistics? What spirit baby is going to want to come into my life if I just think about offing it because I can't get pregnant. What illusion am I buying into? No matter what, I am going to chose life.

Friday morning after the bad news, I didn't feel like eating. I went into the basement and dug out my juicer. I grabbed whatever vegetables I had in the frig and juiced up a big glass of veggie juice. I also got so mad that none of the "Sea of Supplements" helped me, that I took a supplement holiday. And you know what? I feel great. The juice really seems to be helping me. I've been juicing now twice a day since Friday. I can't eat enough vegetables in the day, so this makes sense to me to get more veggies in liquid form. My body likes it.

The real reason I started juicing is because somewhere in the back of my head, I remembered Julia_Indichova's book "Inconceivable" and how she started sucking down the juice to get pregnant with her high FSH. I actually went to one of Julia's workshops between IVF #1 and IVF #2. While I think she is a bit dramatic and very opinionated about IVF (did you miss the part where I said we had no choice because my husband had a vasectomy?!), I like her basic message that is to be your own authority. I pulled out her second book again, "The_Fertile_Female; How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World". It's a tall order, but I want to see just how far this longing will take me. I put all my confidence in my acupuncturists, and I didn't listen to my body. I didn't pay attention to all the stress I had been under with Fluffernutter passing away. Grief is so physically exhausting. I had my schedule, and I was sticking to it. Death is so inconvenient.

In a way, I am glad I got the bad news. It was a wake up call. I don't know if I can turn the tide of time against me anymore. I did pull it off for awhile, though I have not given up yet. Sure, I spent a day wallowing in self pity, but I needed a swift kick in the pants to wake up. This is not going to be easy at age 42 and I'll probably be 43 by the time I do IVF again (if they let me). I have to up the ante. I also have to listen to pay attention to myself better and try try try to get out of my head. Giving grief its space wasn't in the plan, but I see that I should have respected that. Another hard lesson learned. I hope to post more soon about my recent overhaul.

More Craptacular News

I'm in shock. I had my Day 2 testing done today at BigShotFertilityClinic. I thought all the acupuncture and herbs I've done over the past couple of months would have helped improve my numbers. They have gotten much worse. I'm crushed.

Resting Follicles: 2
FSH: 15
E2: 85
AMH: TBA

I don't know what to say. I knew this was a possibility, but I had hope after my last testing I had done. Dang, I should have had my Day 3 testing done back then, but would it have just given me false hope?

I had acupuncture last night, and I had hoped that would help me. Now, I wonder if it made it worse. I had bad hot flashes last night. I thought, "maybe I should wait another day", but then I rationalized that maybe the hot flashes just meant that my estrogen was low. That was stupid magical thinking. I was impatient.

I discussed this with Em, my acupuncturist. She didn't think my results would have been radically different a day later. We'll see if I have any hot flashes tonight. She thinks it's normal at my age for FSH and resting follicles to fluctuate. So do I, but BigShotFertilityClinic does not. I've discussed this before. She is encouraging me to work with an out of state clinic that specializes in high FSH and basically does not do an IVF cycle until your FSH is low. I would prefer to do that with BigShotFertilityClinic. I checked this other clinic for their stats, and their numbers suck for my age group. BigShotFertilityClinic still has the best stats for my age group, even though that number is still pretty low. I suppose I'll have a WTF appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. My plan to impress him has been shot down in flames, so we'll see what he has to say. I think I can predict what he has to say. I'm going to bring in my last lab results and see what he thinks.

To say that I am bummed out is an understatement.

A Sea of Supplements

When you are 42, almost 43, you know it's not going to be easy to get pregnant on your own, never mind the fact that DH has no swimmers, except for those under deep freeze. While I was going through my FET, I thought, "well at least I don't have to worry about egg quality!" I wasn't as careful about what I ate. It was kind of nice not to freak out about having chocolate or a beer (gluten free, of course) once in awhile without worrying, "OMG! This is going to affect my egg quality!! I'll never be a mother!" Oh yes, I can't tell you how many times I've had this internal chastising with myself.

I'm back to the optimizing egg quality campaign, which I have dubbed "Mission Impossible" IVF. Let's just call it MIIVF (is that pronounced miffed?!) for short. You know how it goes - the darning impossible chase/escape scenes, but the good guy always wins, right? That's pretty much how it goes in my MIIVF fantasy too.

My campaign involves forking out a lot of money for acupuncture and supplements, but in reality, it's all a lot cheaper than IVF. I have acupuncture once a week. I will start acupuncture twice a week at least 4 weeks before egg retrieval.

In this post, I will just discuss the supplements I am taking, and what I think they are doing or supposed to be doing. Keep in mind that this is constantly a work in progress. I work with my health care providers on what I am taking, which is mainly my two acupuncturists at this point. I also do my own research and get approval from my acupuncturists before I add something else into the already complicated mix.

Supplements Specifically for improving Egg Quality
Pregnenolone 30mg twice a day
L-arginine 2g
Gamma Linoleic Acid (GLAs), roughly 2g
Proanthocyaniadins in the form of Grape Seed, standarized to 109 mg; once a day
CoQ-10 90mg daily

Chinese Herbs:
Liu Wei Di Huang Wan for nourishing Kidney Yin before ovulation
Jia Wei Xiao Yao Wan after ovulation

I discussed in this post about the reason I take pregnenolone, which is a precursor to DHEA, and not DHEA itself. I go into a big long discussion about why DHEA doesn't work for me, mainly because of it's affect on my heart and how it makes me feel like I'm going to die. If you have already read the post, I edited it because I discovered that part of it got deleted in some weird code error, so you may want to re-read it. Pregnenolone can have similar side effects as DHEA, but they don't seem to be as severe in my experience. I think you basically take as much pregnenolone or DHEA as you can tolerate to improve egg quality, and that is different for every woman. Not everyone can tolerate 75mg of DHEA twice a day, which is what was recommended to me by my RE at BigShotFertilityClinic. DHEA is not harmless, and here is one study in which it proved harmful. My adrenal gland health also seems to be improved, as I am no longer taking the adrenal gland supplement (Iso_Cort) and I have lowered my dose of pregnenolone. I could tell I was taking too much when I felt as if I was on caffeine high, which I never drink, and also means I felt like crap.

I could write a whole post just on L-arginine. There were two studies done on L-arginine and IVF, one in 1999 and one in 2003 by similar authors. The studies are essentially the same, with the difference of the first one having a mean age of 40 for the IVF participants and the second study having a mean age of 33. The first study showed success in using a whopping 16 GRAMS of L-arginine on number of eggs retrieved, number of day 5 embryos, and pregnancy rates. The second study also used the insane dose of 16 GRAMS of L-arginine, but the IVF protocol was different. The results were almost opposite as the first study, and the authors concluded that L-arginine might be detrimental to IVF outcomes. L-arginine is precursor to human growth hormone, so you will see it in formulas for body builders. The idea for older women and poor responders is that human growth hormone will help with egg quality, hence the reason HGH (Sai.zen) is used in some protocols for IVF. The problem with JUST studying L-arginine is that a drug model is applied to a nutritional building block that has synergistic effects with other substances. Meaning that just giving L-arginine alone might not help, but including other nutritional factors may increase the absorption and effectiveness of L-arginine. So, I would say the jury is out on this one. It does seem that the research on L-arginine and IVF has come to a screeching halt, which is a shame. Other studies are done with L-arginine to help with circulation and heart issues, which I am speculating may help with blood flow to the ovaries and uterus.

My acupuncturist recommended that I take evening primrose oil to increase my AMH. I have not figured out what the difference is between evening primrose oil and borage oil in terms of effectiveness. Randine_Lewis seems to think that evening primrose oil is better, but borage oil has more Gamma Linoleinc Acid, which is the main active ingredient in evening primrose oil. For now, I am focusing on taking a flax oil/borage oil combo. I try to take 4 Tablespoons a day, spaced throughout the day. It definitely affects my, uh, bowel movements, hence the reason I don't chug it all at once, not like I could stomach that anyways. I did discover a bulk omega oil product, Barlean's_Total_Omega_Vegan_Swirl, that has lots of GLAs and is flavored to taste like a smoothie. The whole family has discovered it, and I have to beat off my DH and stepsons now from sucking it all down at once, it's that good. I might also add in some evening primrose oil to cover all my bases.

The proanthocyaniadins (also called pycnogenol or OPCs) and the CoQ-10 are also recommended by Randine_Lewis to improve egg quality for older women. These are both supposed to help with circulation, again, with the idea of improving blood flow to the ovaries and uterus. They also help with free radical damage. Here's what Randine has to say about it:

"One of the hallmarks of aging is damage to mitochondrial DNA caused by oxygen metabolism and the presence of free radicals in the system. This damage has also been shown to contribute to age-related decline in egg quality. A way to improve cellular function is to supplement your diet with enzymes like Co Q-10. Antioxidants (vitamins C, E, A, zinc, and selenium) and superantioxidants (pycogenol) also help prevent free-radical damage to cell mitrochondria."

They also have the side effect of lowering my blood pressure. I went to my GP the other day, and my blood pressure was 104/60! The dose on both is 100mg a day. With the proanthocyaniadins, you want to make sure you are getting 100mg of this standarized ingredient, and not just 100mg of grape seed or whatever the ingredient is.

The Chinese herbs I take are for Kidney Yin deficiency with Liver stagnation. If you don't have the same Chinese medicine diagnosis as me, don't take these herbs!! I never recommend self-prescribing on Chinese herbs anyway. Always have an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility prescribe your Chinese herbs!

Supplements for Mental Health
Zinc 20 mg
Neuro_Replete
Fish oil/EPA-DHA

Again, I could write a whole 'nother post about the supplements I'm taking for my mental health. Why am I taking supplements for my mental health? Well, we all know how uplifting and calming infertility treatments are. This will just be a summary post on another complicated issue.

I found an interesting article last year on mental health supplement research. I thought it was going to be another recommendation to take fish oil, but it wasn't. Go over an read the article when you have time. It's a fascinating read. William_Walsh (PhD) was doing research on convicts to try to understand how chemical imbalances and nutritional deficiencies or toxicities were affecting their mental health. Here is an excerpt from the interview with him:

"We’ve found that nearly all women with a history of postpartum depression have a tendency for very high copper levels in their blood. It is especially problematic for women, because estrogen and copper are proportionately related."

When I read this, all sorts of bells and whistles started going off. I had the same symptoms of postpartum depression, except I had it while pregnant. Was there a solution in here for me?

Awhile back, I had some hair testing done for metals. I was mainly concerned about toxic mercury levels, which I seemed to be ok. I had all my mercury fillings removed before I did IVF to improve egg quality. The problem with removing mercury fillings is that you can mobilize a lot of mercury in the process, but I did it with a dentist who specializes in mercury amalgam removal. Still, I'm sure I got more exposure to mercury at the time. I did some mild chelation with chlorella, but nothing more. Mercury toxicity can cause mental illnesses, but my hair analysis didn't indicate that I have a mercury toxicity problem. My copper levels were also tested, and they seemed to be ok. However, my Zinc/Copper ratio was abnormal. I was basically deficient in zinc, which could mean I have too much copper in my system. William_Walsh says this about treating excess copper in the interview:

"By normalizing a protein that removes excess copper from the body. We slowly, gradually introduce the nutrients that stimulate the synthesis and the functioning of that protein. People who are high in copper invariably are zinc deficient as well, so we also slowly and gradually normalize their zinc levels. Then the protein begins to function and, in most cases, the copper levels return to normal. It’s about a two-month procedure for most people. If we did it very suddenly, and we gave them high doses of everything, the excess copper would be dumped from tissues and the blood levels would go even higher. You could see a decline in health before the patient got better, as all the excess copper is exiting the body. So you have to be somewhat careful with overloads."

My zinc deficiency was confirmed by the hair analysis testing and muscle testing with my chiropractor.

I recently started taking the supplement Neuro_Replete at the recommendation of Dr. F. Last year, I was on the antidepressant Well_butrin for about four months. I was on the verge of looking to take another antidepressant after our FET failed, but Dr. F put me on this stuff. I was skeptical in taking it because of the amount of 5-HTP in it. I had taken 5-HTP before to help me sleep. It is a precursor to seratonin and seratonin helps you sleep. If you take too much, you can end up with seratonin syndrome, which manifests in disturbing dreams/nightmares. The Neuro_Replete website has lots of fascinating information on neurotransmitters, their precursors, and how antidepressants eventually deplete your neurotransmitter levels. For example, I learned that just taking 5-HTP alone will deplete your dopamine levels. The Neuro_Replete has a blend of neurotransmitter precursors. It works on a synergystic level, and not just adding in one precursor or supplement, similar to as how I described the L-arginine example above. I've been sleeping better and feeling more calm since taking the Neuro_Replete.

Other Stuff I take for General Health
Multivitamin without iodine and iron
Iron supplement, since my multi doesn't have it
Vitamin E, mixed tocopherols, 1000 mg daily
Vitamin D, 5000iu daily
Calcium for osteopenia, 1200 mg daily
additional Magnesium, 300 mg at bedtime for my heart, muscles, and to help me sleep
Probiotics for my sensitive digestive system

The multivitamin is a double edged sword. I found one without iodine. I don't take any iodine and I try not to get extra in my diet. None of the salt in my house has iodine anymore. I tend towards hyperthyroidism, and iodine seems to exacerbate it. The multi also has copper in it. I could take a multi without copper, but then it would have iodine. I can't win.

Whew, I think I covered it all! Now I think it's time for me to go choke down another another pill. I'd love to share notes about what you are taking, or not taking, to improve your egg quality and chances at IVF.

Evil Pee Sticks for FSH

These are two lines I DO NOT want to see.

http://firstresponse.com/fertilityTest.asp

Yeah, I'll be buying mine for next month, damn it.

The Follow-Up

I was pretty upset after our follow-up appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. I didn't think the news was very good, but after doing more research and reflecting on it, I guess it wasn't that bad. I think what makes me nervous is staring down the barrel of a gun. That's what embarking on another IVF cycle at 42 or 43 feels like. I described the IVF stats to my acupuncturist yesterday like this:

IVF at age 40: Stats are dismal at 40.
IVF at age 41: What, are you fucking crazy?
IVF at age 42: Shoot me now.

Em, my acupuncturist, pointed out to me that 35% pregnancy rates at 42 isn't that bad. True, this is BigShotFertilityClinic, after all, but those stats still make me nervous.

I felt good about our embryos being "normal", at least as far as they could tell, after thaw. Embryos with above 70% cell survival rate are considered normal, and ours had 80% cell survival. I made "normal" embryos at age 41, so I could possibly do it again. I asked Dr. BloSunMyCha if they would have done assisted hatching if we had allowed it. He said that they normally do AH with FET. This statement was in direct contrast to what he said to me when I told him that we could not agree to AH in good conscious if it increased the chance of identical twinning. I felt crappy about not agreeing to AH after our meeting, but realized that we would not have agreed to it anyways, so no point in second guessing ourselves. The only way to know if our embryos are normal is to do genetic testing, which I discussed in my last post.

One thing I love about blogging is finding other women who have also been to BigShotFertilityClinic and finding out what they were told about genetic testing. I have since learned some comforting news. It appears that I do not necessarily need 10 embryos at day 1, but at least 10 eggs at retrieval. I can do that. I've already done it once. My FSH needs to be lower than 10. I have no idea what it is since it hasn't been tested in two years. My anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH) needs to be above 0.6. I have never been tested for that, so no clue there either.

As long as I pass Day 3 testing, we can move forward with another cycle. Day 3 testing will include FSH, LH, estrogen, and AMH. If my FSH isn't sky high, I can move forward. The new protocol is Estrogen Priming Protocol with human growth hormone and probably max stims. No BCPs! I think I still stick with the antagon type protocol too, which means no lupron either!! I'm happy about the protocol, if there is something to be happy about doing another IVF cycle. I'm allowing myself to do Day 3 testing and make our decisions from there.

My current plan-du-jour is to get my body ready for the Day 3 testing. I don't think I will be ready this next cycle, though Dr. BloSunMyCha would let me. Besides, I need to get my follicles ready. My plan is to do the Day 3 testing the cycle after this next one, which would be the end of May. If everything looks good, then we would make plans to move forward with IVF #3. Right now, I'm thinking the actual egg retrieval would happen mid-July, which would give me three solid months to work on egg quality.

I've cracked open my already worn copy of "The Infertility Cure" by Randine_Lewis, going straight to Chapter 10, Advanced Maternal Age. There are some great stories in here about women getting pregnant in their forties with the help of Chinese medicine. I have read this chapter many times before. The one statement that sticks in my head is that the time it takes for a resting follicle to develop into a full-blown egg ready to be released is up to 150 days. FIVE MONTHS!! I'm giving myself three months, knowing that the last three months I have already been taking pretty good care of myself. I'll be writing future posts on what my egg quality improvement protocol will be. Heck, I've already started, but I know I'll be doing some more tweaking.

The challenging part will not to get stressed about this whole process. I'm trying to approach this seemingly huge undertaking that it will be good for my health, regardless of whether we actually go through with another IVF cycle. I will also be using this time to "fund raise". Grovelling will probably be involved, as well as looking at ways to sell off things of value.

I had two days this week when I felt really happy just as I was. I wondered how long it would last and if I could just be happy with my life as it is. It only lasted two days. I'm not ungrateful for my life. I know I have a lot of good things going for me without children. I've always wanted to feel that happy whether I was going through fertility treatments or living child-free.

The grief I have been feeling at this latest loss is greater than I would have expected. Part of the grief is seriously looking down the child-free road. I thought this FET was it, and I could not possibly take another IVF cycle. The truth is, I did a lot of healing in this FET cycle. It forced me to face my trauma and work through a lot of it. I've come a long way from how scared and freaked out I felt in my first IVF cycle. The truth is I can do this. But this truly is it, one more shot. Do I have to be ok with the child-free path, because otherwise, am I going to put too much pressure on myself going through another cycle?

CGH vs Microarray

Yesterday was the follow-up with Dr. G. Neither Magic nor I felt good coming out of it. I did get my question answered about the difference between the two clinical trials of genetic testing that BigShotFertilityClinic is doing. We do qualify, but there is a catch.

Both CGH (Comparative Genomic Hybridization) and microarray are two types of microarray genetic testing that looks at all 23 of the human chromosomes. First, the difference between CGH and microarray are that they are done at two different labs. BigShotClinic switches between the two depending on which one is having better quality control and less "no results" at the time. They make these decisions weekly. Therefore, you don't know which one you will be doing until you start your stims. CGH amplifies all 23 chromosomes and tests them where as microarray tests parts of the sequences on all 23 chromosomes instead of all sequences of the 23 chromosomes (I think). Both tests are used on day 5 blasts, and then the embryos are vitrified (special freezing technique) until you get your tests back in about 6 weeks and do an FET. This is my even more simplified version of Dr. BloSunMyCha's layman's version, so I'm sure I'm not entirely explaining this well.

The catch is that you have to have ten embryos on Day 1 or ten fertilized eggs. At my age, it's doubtful I will meet that criteria. I was happy to have six embryos on day three last time. The other alternative is to do Polar Body Testing, which is done on day 1, but it only tells you about the genetics of the egg, and not the embryo. Polar Body Testing also has a much lower pregnancy rate of 20 to 30% compared to 80% for CGH or microarray.

The other catch is that BigShotClinic does not do sex selection. They basically transfer back the best embryos, regardless of sex, and they do not tell you the sex until after they transfer them. I didn't ask exactly when they tell you the sex, but I'm sure it would be sometime after a positive beta. If they have normal and excellent quality embryos of the sex you prefer, they will put them back.

Waaay back when we had our first serious talk about baby making with my third RE after my surgery, we discovered a sperm selection program for gender called Micro_Sort. However, I did not meet the age criteria, which was 38 and younger at the time. I think I was 39 at the time. My research from last night shows they upped the age limit to 39. Bottom line: if you are "old" you take what you get. Can you say age discrimination?

Dr. BloSunMyCha recommended 3-day transfer with us, which I am fine with, but he recommended putting back four to six embryos at my age. This does not make me happy. I do not want to risk multiples again. Pregnancy rate for my age is 35% at BigShotClinic, with still a 20% chance of twins. The stats are not good, but considering that what happened to us last time was very low statistically, then maybe I still have a chance.

All I know is that I feel crappy about all this. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate taking a huge gamble on money we don't have. I hate not going through all this high tech process of getting pregnant, and then not having choices about it. I hated it then, and I hate it now. The only good thing that came out of yesterday is I got a pass on the Clomid challenge test. The rest will have to wait for another post.

A Fork in the Road

It's been a rough week post negative.

Yesterday, I was on my way to my acupuncturist when I saw something I usually don't see around town - a pickup pulling a trailer with a donkey in it. I laughed to myself. That pretty much described my day yesterday; draggin' ass!

I have not had a drink since we got the bad news. I didn't even smoke the weed I found in a baggie in my stepson's dirty sock in the mountain of laundry I washed before our FET. It was a WTF/LOL moment when I discovered it! About the worse thing I have done is eat some cheese. I did not even stoop to chocolate, until yesterday. I could not stay awake yesterday at work, and I had bags under my eyes. Finally, I got a chocolate bar at the vending machine to see if I would feel better. I perked up a bit afterward, meaning my hormones are surely fucked.

I would like to think this reaction has to do with some wisdom I've gained at the age of 42. Drinking, drugs, and crappy food are just going to make me feel worse, and I already feel crappy enough between the grief and the wild hormone ride. My liver has gone tilt with the hormone overload and a drink isn't going to help it do it's job. Magic is getting the brunt of my hormonal-ness, with grumpiness and fits o' rage interspersed with lying-in-bed-non-functionality-depression.

I've dreaded this moment where I'm standing at a Y in the road. One direction is the child-less route, the other is another-IVF route. My confidence has been shaken after this BFN. I was also a bit surprised at how much I grieved this loss. I think, how at my age can I possibly think about doing another IVF with my own eggs? I was surprised to find how many women are doing the same after perusing the "IVF 40-44" forum on IVFConnections. I was also comforted by discovering that Wombded is pregnant at 43 with her own eggs after her second IVF. Regardless, it's not going to be easy, but I'm just not quite ready to throw in the towel, even though going through another IVF cycle is going to be only slightly better than waterboarding.

I felt some hope after seeing EM, my acupuncturist yesterday. I felt better after the acupuncture and got some more supplements that we haven't tried before, like Co-Q 10 and L-arginine. I'm back on Chinese herbs too. I know that the protocol and the lab probably help more than anything, but I do believe the Chinese medicine/acupuncture/supplements/good-lifestyle helps as well for egg quality.

The day of my beta, I asked for a price sheet for IVF. I was already considering going down this route. The money is really out of our reach, but we do have more frozen sperm, enough for one more try. Monday is the regroup with Dr. BloSunMyCha at BigShotFertilityClinic. He'll have the final say whether we can move forward or not with my own eggs. The decision probably won't be made until I am submitted to further poking, prodding, and other indignities. I just hope I don't have to do another Clomid challenge, though at least it's better than waterboarding (my new mantra).

Sinking Feelings

I finally came to the realization, with Magic's help, that I can not go back to my old RE. I think it came down to feeling like I could not trust him or the embryologist to take care of me in the future. I also do not believe they would ever take any responsibility for their carelessness. I have thought about going back many times, rehearsed what I would say to them, and it feels too traumatic. As it is, I dissociated the last time I went to the new RE's office.

I didn't want to check my e-mail tonight. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I forced myself to e-mail him today, my new RE, to tell him that we are ready to move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. I knew he would have answered. I didn't really want to know the answer, to know that I will be going back in that cold environment where I have to shut down my emotions. Where strangers do things to me that I really don't want to think about. And who knows what the outcome will be. It all makes me sick.

On the other hand, I want to meet her so badly. I hope she will accept one of our frozen embryos. I don't know if I can go through another loss. I don't know if I can go through another IVF cycle. I hope that she will come this time. I hope she is ready. I hope I am ready.

Maybe This Wasn't Such a Good Idea

"Can you let yourself take a break from this for awhile?" said my trauma therapist last night. She was referring to my planning on trying again and the emotion it has been bringing up for me. When I think about being pregnant again, the panic attacks start coming up and I worry that I'm going to have a repeat of my past experience.

I thought maybe it would be a good idea. Maybe I should take a break from blogging and think about getting pregnant. As I checked my e-mail today, I went into automatic comment moderation when one comment showed up. Next automatic blogging action is to check on all my blogs. I noticed that I reacted to the entries I read, and thought again, yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to take a break.

Another comment showed up in the meanwhile, and I wondered why all the sudden I started getting comments today after not having a blog entry since Sunday. The commenter's signature reminded me, "from ICLW". Oh yeah, I signed up for the monthy Comment-o-thon. Nice timing.

I wondered if my trauma therapist thought that my reliving my trauma from my pregnancy was too much for me. I am making progress. I uncovered some really old baggage last night. I need to go there. I have to do this if I'm going to get through another pregnancy. The only way is through it.

If you are new to reading my blog, you are going to notice here that I don't tell my "story". I've learned that it is better for me not to retell my story because it re-traumatizes me. This is the first time I have been aware of being traumatized in my life, though I am sure it has happened before, and now I understand what it means to experience Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. My latest mantra is, "I'm not going there," meaning I'm not going to succumb to the nervous system overload that trauma causes.

I can tell you some parts of my story on my babymaking journey. Fibroids, IUI, IVF, prenatal depression & anxiety, multiples, and loss. I prefer to think of my blog more as Eat, Pray, Love, some of my most favorite topics to talk about.

Testing the Waters

I began my speech with, "I don't know how much of my story I can tell because I might start crying".

After I had made some progress with my last trauma therapy session, I decided I was ready to try again. My first plan of action was to make an appointment with the big time fertility clinic in my area. Everybody knows which one it is because, I will give you a hint, it's number one in the nation. It's only a 15 minute drive to their office branch near my house. You might wonder why I did not do my IVF cycles there before. I had consulted with one of their REs previously, but I did not have a good experience with her. They have a relatively new RE who I have heard good reviews about. I couldn't believe how quickly I got an appointment with him, which could have been the next day, but I stretched it to the day after that. It's a good thing, because I had a hangover yesterday morning. My main reason for going to the appointment was to get an update on my uterus in terms of any fibroids that might be lurking there, and to check out this new RE, Dr. G, in case I decide to switch clinics.

Most of the details of my first appointment with Dr. G can be read about on my private blog. If you have access to my private blog, you can click here to read more.

I'll go back in about two weeks for another ultrasound to see what the status of my fibroids are. Dr. G did say that the size and location of what appears to be a fibroid that Dr. Wonderful saw two months ago would not be a problem for future pregnancy at this point.

As it usually seems to go with doctor's appointments at fertility clinics, the information I got from Dr. G did not clarify my decisions. If anything, it seemed to make them that much more complicated.