Our wedding was one of the most memorable days of my life. That was a pretty awesome cake we had, but the things of our wedding is not what made it special. We got married at Magic's sister's ranch, with an unobstructed view of the Rocky Mountains. Having the wedding at her house was one of the things that made it special. It's a place where we had spent many days with family, and it's a place I felt supported and loved.
I did not know what to expect from a wedding. I did not enjoy planning our wedding particularly, and all the commercialization that goes with it. I wanted our wedding to be more than throwing the bouquet, which I forgot to do, and eating cake, though that is the first thing I ordered! Magic had been married before for many years, so getting married wasn't as important to him as it was for me, or so it seemed. I tried not to have too many preconceived notions of what our wedding would be like, good or bad.
On our wedding day, I experienced a tremendous state of love and heart connection that I have never experienced before or after. Magic felt it too. We felt it together. We really were in an altered state, of love and bliss. I had a permanent smile on my face the whole time. The feeling lasted into our mini-honeymoon, which is why I think now it is so important to take your honeymoon right after your wedding.For awhile, I tried to remember that feeling from our wedding, but it was only experienced in the moment, and then gone. When we got our wedding pictures a couple of months later, I was disappointed. They felt two dimensional and flat. Where was that excitement that I felt? Where was that expansiveness of my heart and soul, connected to my love, Magic, and all our friends and family, and every molecule of existence? The moment was gone. The pictures could not capture it. Such is the trap of trying to hold on to an experience. The present moment was not that feeling I so wanted to tap in a bottle and drink from it's nectar.
Now that time has passed, I enjoy looking at our wedding photos. I can not feel that wonderful state of love that was experienced on our wedding day, but I have a memory of what it was like. Our pictures help remind me of what a special day it was. Magic's love for me blossomed after our wedding. For someone who was reluctant to get married a second time, he has poured his heart out to me in ways I never expected. This difficult journey we have taken together through fertility treatments, pregnancy and loss has brought us even closer together. To my beloved, Happy Anniversary!!
