I got an e-mail from the psychologist who runs the support group I used to attend in the big city a bit too far from my house. I intentionally keep my story private because I worry it will isolate me from others even more. Yet I also know there are those out there who would benefit from my story. It's a conundrum for me. She had this to say about it:
I was touched by this. It reminded me of some of the people in my enlightenment training group. Some have been through horrendous abuse as children. I do not need to know the details nor do I need to have had experienced something similar myself to have compassion for them. I've grown in my experience down this path of trying to have a baby the not-so-old-fashioned-way. I've learned to open my heart to women I never thought I had the capacity to. It has opened my eyes and heart to the struggles of all women.Anyone who doesn't respond to your - or anyone's - story with openness and an attempt at empathy doesn't know what they themselves has lived.
So please understand when I don't share the particulars of my history. It's traumatizing to me. As I get closer to my FET, I relive the horror of my previous pregnancy. It's not something I can really explain very well. It's a feeling; a feeling of impending doom. I also understand now that my trauma goes back to experiences in other lifetimes around pregnancy. I can't explain that because I don't understand it. I'm not even sure I really believe it, but at the same time it makes perfect sense to me. Apparently, I'm still working out trauma from these other lifetimes too. Today, all I know is that I feel incapacited by it all. I know I am still grieving, for all the losses, this lifetime, and others, no matter how strange it may sound.
