Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Hearts Have It

I've been putting this post off, because what I'm about to say next terrifies me. When I said I was "crapping my big-girl-panties" in my last sign off, I was partly feeling like I was getting yelled at by Dr. BloSunMyCha and partly feeling like, "holy crap, I might actually do this?!" I also wanted to take the weekend off from talking about fertility treatments and infertility. This last month has been so stressful, from the follow-up with Dr. BloSunMyCha, to the weighing of our options, and trying to decide what to do next. I had my first "hypnofertility" session last night. I'll post about that later. I will say that it relaxed me. Now, I just need one of these every night!

I really appreciated you gals getting all up in arms in my defense! Let me just say that I am not angry at Dr. BloSun. Actually, after the e-mail I got yesterday from him regarding my recent questioning of taking preventive antibiotics, I may take that statement back. More on that later. I think Dr. BS is mostly just doing his job, making sure I know what I'm getting in for. However, I see this as negative hypnosis. I know what he said had a huge emotional impact on me. In my heart, I still wanted to try one more time with my eggs and see if what I have been doing the last three months have been making a difference. My cycles have been basically very similar to what they were a year and a half ago when I last did IVF. My head was telling me the logical choice was to move on to donor eggs as it has the best statistical chances for us.

I thought I would never make a decision based on going against the "facts". I thought I would be a "smart" person. I also did not want to make any decisions based on fear. The fact is that by going right to donor eggs, I was allowing my fear of failure to get the best of me. I do not want to go into DE with any regrets. I do not ever want to wonder, "what if?" I can see how it affected the woman from my friend's baby shower. I see the shadow of regret and doubt in her face when she said to me, "so you got pregnant with your own eggs?" I could go straight to DE, but I also do not want that shadow the rest of my life. This is the only way to know.

We are following our hearts against the "medical experts". I feel happy about this decision, and terrified at the same time. We are trying one more time with my eggs. I also feel that it's fair that Dr. BS put some conditions on how many follicles he wanted us to have before going into egg retrieval. Frankly, I would rather he make that decision, than coming to us and saying, "what do you want to do?" I've been in that position before, and it's a hard decision to make. I also feel like I've got it in me to make five mature follicles, at least, I think I do!

Today, I started the est.race for the estrogen priming protocol. If you want to know what this protocol looks like, go over to Heidi's blog and click on the menu on the right where it says "The Protocol That Worked". Be forewarned that there is a picture of her infant daughter on her last blog post that you will see when you click over. The difference between her protocol and mine is that I'm starting the est.race on CD1 (today) and not taking it as long, as she extended hers because of a vacation. I think I will be on max stims too (been there, done that). I don't have my full calendar yet. I take the est.race orally, so I will not be among the blue skid marked smurfettes that Jill so colorfully described in her FET protocol. Maybe I'll just turn blue, but it will be out of the anxiety of holding my breath, not from the blue pills!

I'm also preparing to move this whole show over to Word.press. I'll transfer all my posts over, but I feel like I just need that password protect option. I've stopped posting on my other private blog. I need to move on from the past for the sake of our spirit baby. I'll miss some of the nice features of Blogger, but I need to ensure my privacy. I'll allow anyone access that asks to my private posts. I'm still going to need lots and lots of support through this!! I just do not want to feel like a celebrity reality show, providing entertainment to the masses. If you want to lurk on my private posts, that's fine. I just want to know who you are. The other nice feature of Word.press is that I can block IP addresses. Not that I'm planning on doing this, but if I get any harassment, which happened to me on my old blog that no longer exists, I can do something about it now. It will be a few weeks probably before I actually make the move. I'll be password protecting all my posts that have the details of my IVF cycle.

Here's the antibiotic story I mentioned earlier: My nurse called me and told me I would be taking antibiotics this month, which surprised me, since I'm not doing any procedures. I'm not a big fan of antibiotics, as I think it was one of the factors that led to me getting leaky gut syndrome and developing food sensitivities. BigShotClinic makes their patients take antibiotics every time they pass your cervix, which is ridiculous. I never did this at my old clinic, and I was just fine. For the third time, I had to send an e-mail to Dr. BS asking if I could forgo the "preventative" antibiotics this month. His response was something like, "yes, you can forgo the antibiotics, but I strongly recommend that you take them, or else your cycle may not be as successful". Now I really felt like Dr. BS was living up to his new acronym and just trying to strong arm me. I also told him that I would be happy to do IV antibiotics and that this would be my preference for egg retrieval. This is what I did at my old clinic, in lieu of oral antibiotics. I basically skipped my whole gut, but still got the antibiotics. Dr. BS responded to this, saying that IV antibiotics would not reach the uterus as well as oral antibiotics. WTF?? Doesn't the oral antibiotics go into the bloodstream from the gut, and wouldn't the liver and intestinal enzymes break down some of those antibiotics? I was so baffled by his BS, that I ran this past Dr. F, my acupuncturist who has never given his two kids antibiotics EVER. He supported me 100%, which made me feel better about standing up to Dr. BS. Oh, and Sweet Georgia hit the nail on the head when she said the polar body testing was for their study, not for my benefit. I really feel the coercion after realizing that (grrrr).

It scares me how narrow an RE's knowledge is. I know I am going to get comments like, "can you change doctors?", but they are all narrow-minded in my opinion. Dr. BS is the 4th RE I've been to, and I really don't think it's going to get any better than this. I just want to get my eggs to BigShotClinics fabulous lab and hope they do their magic there for some viable embryos!

Holy crap, I really am doing this!!


Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

You and I are so in synch with the decision for a last ditch effort with our own eggs (same protocol), with donor eggs lurking there in the background. I'd be sad if I couldn't continue to follow your story, so I would like access to your new blog when it's up!

Mad Hatter said...

Yay for your plan! Go Phoebe's Eggs!!! Go Magic's Currently Frozen Sperm! Make those babies!
Looking forward to cheering you on and supporting you from the sidelines!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, I'm so glad you've found a way to honor your heart and your needs with this IVF cycle. I am excited and hopeful for you!!!!!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

P.S. Thanks for your comment on my blog. Our mental health system DOES suck! I have a therapist I LOVE, so if you'd ever like her info., let me know. Also, the psychiatrist I worked with prior to switching insurance was really competent and smart if not warm and emotionally intelligent. I'd definitely trust her to do a good job with meds and info on meds and pregnancy, so let me know if you'd like her info too!

DAVs said...

Hooray for making a decision! You know I'm behind you ALL THE WAY.

You know, they didn't make me take antibiotics on my last go-around...weird eh? Who knows.

I'm so excited that you're already getting started! Sign me up for the new blog, too :)

Infertile In the City said...

I have so much to say that I may just email.
1. Love that you are going for it with your eggs, they deserve it, all that juicing and love - it's the right move - no regrets.
2. I took oral antibiotics for 7 days prior to egg retrival, they did not give me antibiotics during egg retrieval (my old clinic did this as he said it was the best way to protect me) I was hospitalized for 5 days for my post egg retrieval infection - I will never ever do another egg retrieval without having iv antibiotics (not to scare you - but need to share the facts!).
3. love word.press - it's so great.

Lost in Space said...

I am so thrilled for you! I know that decision was not an easy one, but you weighed all the options and followed your heart. Medical stats don't hold a candle to that. I'm wishing you all the best and then some.

Bee Cee said...

From someone who needed to do 'one last try with my eggs' i can totally understand where you are coming from, regardless of the facts. Facts do not play on your mind in years to come, emotions do, so you have to do what's best for you and hubby.

My last 'own egg' cycle didn't work. It cost us the equivalent of $20k but I don't regret it one bit. I had to do it to live with the next steps.

I hope this does work for you.

Sweet Georgia said...

Woohoo! I'm glad you're going for it! I understand completely what you mean about not wanting to have regrets. I also agree that changing dr.'s is not always the answer. Good luck with the EPP. When you said you'd be on "max stims" what does that mean? I've been to two REs and neither of them would let me do more than 300ius of Puregon.

Sue said...

I'm glad you made a decision to go forward and that (barring some arguments) they are allowing you to. I will say that I love your Dr. BS (also my doc)...and have absolutely nothing bad to say about him (and not just because we had success actually) so I'm a little bummed that you've been so harsh with him but you are right, he is doing his job and trying to be honest and forthright about it without coddling. So, I do understand why you have difficulty with him. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision to move forward...and I'll be cheering you on. Now, bring on the hormones, lol. Oh - and I got food sensitivities (actually am pretty sure I am full-on celiac now) after my first miscarriage/ectopic...and I've heard that that is a significant enough stressor that it can bring it out in people who are already sensitive, so that is an idea too.

Mo and Will said...


everything you write makes perfect sense to me. I am wishing you all the best this cycle and I am so glad to hear you standing firm and advocating for yourself, yet still able to stay at the clinic you believe the most in. Rooting for you.


Anonymous said...

right on. you must never live with the thought "what if..."

I think your eggs are going to kick some ass. just hope Dr. Blo Me is impressed. geez!

Beautiful Mess said...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire you for standing up for yourself and your beliefs! Good for you! I'm glad your doing this! I'll follow you anywhere you go! No gettin rid of me ;o)

Jill M. said...

Can't wait to hear about the hypnofertility session! Listen to it over and over again. It takes awhile to reprogram your subconscious, esp after IF!

I really think the CCRM doctors are trained to be very realistic and not candy coat anything. Many times they error on the low side of the statistics so we are not mad if things go bad, but think they are miracle workers when things go better. Plus, when they are taking that much of our money, we really need to hear the truth so we can make an informed decision. I know it's not fun to hear at all and you are right, it is negative hypnosis. But, it would be much worse if they gave us a fluffed up chance and we based our decision on that, spent the money and ended up with a terrible outcome. I really don't think they are doing any of it to be mean. We just hate hearing it.

I am excited about your decision and happy you are going with your hearts! That is so exciting that you finally started the process after prepping your body for so long!

OMG, LOL, I just got to the part about smurfette, too funny!

I'd love to follow your new blog when it's up, so send me an invite if I'm invited.

Are you doing PB?

Best of luck!!!

Sheri said...

Phoebe -- I am really happy you followed your heart and made your decision. It's sometimes tough to follow your intuitive guidance, even when the facts may suggest otherwise.

I pulled a card for you today and got The Empress. This is the strongest female energy in the tarot deck. It is about nurturing abundance and healing. It suggests love, harmony, continued growth and the queen of life. This is a PERFECT card for you!!!

I pulled this card for YOU on my blog in July. You can check it out here as a reminder: http://www.wildwomenuniverse.com/2009/06/intuitive-tuesday-empress.html.

When I looked back and found the post, I thought it was interesting to have pulled the same card for you again today. There are 78 cards in the deck. What are the odds of that happening? Cool!

If you want more information, The Empress was also featured in June at: http://www.wildwomenuniverse.com/2009/06/intuitive-tuesday-empress.html.

Go Phoebe and be the Empress that you are!!

Me said...

I'm singing Hallelujah to your last paragraph.

Denver Laura said...

BigShotClinic likes to push their schedule and procedures on you. My first IUI was a bit late due to my cycle but they upped the Clomid the second time around and told me to come in on the same late day. I insisted they move the insemination date up since there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't have to trigger or have a late cycle. They reluctantly moved up the date and sure enough, I was ovulating and immediately made an appointment for the next day. If I had not insisted, it would have been too late. Go with you gut. Yes they are doctors but you have many more years of knowledge of your own body and what's right and what's not.