Cycles Good & Bad

The touchiness I wrote about in my last post was what I could only suspect: PMS. I started spotting today on CD19. This is not good. It means that 1) I did not ovulate this cycle or 2) I had a bad egg. My last cycle was 26 days long, which I thought was a hopeful sign that I was turning the tides. My hot flashes had been getting less frequent, but started up again shortly after I returned from my trip, which should have been around the time I would have been ovulating.

I discussed with Em, one of my acupuncturists about my previous voluminous CM. She suggested that I put some warming things in my juice, like ginger. I started doing that and cut back on drinking juice so much, going down to once a day. As I mentioned previously, my CM seemed to have dried up this cycle. I don't understand how it can go from blowing-snot-out-my-vaj-yay to the Sahara desert.

I discussed this all with Dr. F, my other acupuncturist. He thought that maybe I was going through some kind of cleansing, and that my body was expelling mucus that could have been in my girly-parts. He optimistically said it might make me more fertile and was I still trying naturally? I had to remind him that it would be an immaculate conception, after which he apologized for forgetting my history (for the umpteenth time). I personally think that I was on the wrong Chinese herbs this cycle, but I couldn't get in to see him sooner, due to the fact that he cancelled on me twice!! Dr. F prescribes my herbs, and I take one formula between my period and ovulation, and a different formula after ovulation until I have my period again.

The PMS moodiness resulted in a mini-meltdown yesterday morning as I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff I need to do to try to retain/resuscitate my fertility. I'm feeling emotionally a bit better now, and I need to take the reins on getting this figured out. I was by a Chinese medicine apothecary today, and was able to talk to the acupuncturist. He reminded me that fertility issues basically come down to supporting the adrenal glands. I'm not sure if I should just keep working with Dr. F on this or switch to this other acupuncturist. Dr. F has 30 years experience and definitely knows what he is talking about, but I haven't always responded well to the adrenal supplements he has given me. The other guy has had 20 years experience, and a friend of mine who used to see me said that she took a lot of supplements when she saw him, which doesn't really speak to how good he is. I know that my body is very particular about what I take, and Dr. F is generally good about prescribing me herbs and supplements, but he is not perfect. I hate times like these when I don't know what to do, but know that I have to do something.

I have since cut out the ginger in my juice, as it might just be too warming for me, and I went back to juicing twice a day. I do need to get back to paying attention to my adrenal health. I think it is going to be the key to keeping my fertility going for a while longer yet.

I finally got my big-girl-panties on and scheduled a follow-up appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. My body just cringes when I think about any fertility treatments, but resistance is futile. My plan was to get tested again on CD3, but with the short cycle and hot flashes, I don't think that would be a good idea right now. This means that doing IVF is going to be delayed. I was hoping for a November retrieval, but with this short cycle, that would put retrieval right at the full moon, and I know that would be a failure. The full moon and me don't mix. This most likely puts a retrieval right before Christmas. Not ideal, but I can't do anything about it.

I have been trying to prepare myself for the very real fact that this may not work with my own eggs. I'm trying to tell myself that I am ready to move on, but it just isn't working. The last time I talked with Magic about donor eggs, he said "no" again. I am not ready for donor eggs, but I'm not ready to give up yet either. I have less faith in my eggs than I did two years ago. My confidence has been shaken. I'm beyond the whole "I should have gotten married/pregnant when I was younger" thing because it's a moot point. I just hate getting older.

The weird thing is that I'm having the same symptoms I had four years ago, THE SAME SYMPTOMS. The difference is that I had not radically changed my diet yet and I did not start weekly acupuncture. I have done all that (plus a little surgery), and what worked a couple of years ago doesn't seem to be working anymore. I feel that if I could just figure out what to do, I could buy myself some time. That's what I say to myself when I'm feeling optimistic. More often these days, I feel pessimistic. One of the resigning things I have been saying to myself is, "you can't fight your genetics". No one in my family ever got pregnant at my age (not that they were really trying). I hope to write a post soon on some of my family background that was recently revealed to me. It's that vicious cycle of hope and despair all over again.