Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Reading #2

The day after our BFN, I called Walter. I needed to know what happened with our spirit baby. I needed to know if she left. I needed to know what I did wrong. It's been almost three months, and we finally had our reading.

Our spirit baby is still with us, but she has been laying low. She is grieving too. Walter said that all of my feelings of sadness may not be my own. Sometimes, she is hanging off our necks and crying. Unfortunately, he did not get much information from her about why she did not come. From the answers to the questions I asked, I got the impression that it didn't have anything to do with Magic or I.

At first, I felt happy after the reading because at least she is still around. But I also feel hopeless, which makes me feel incredibly sad. The reading made me feel as if there is nothing I can do at this point. Alternatively, I feel I have so much to do and I fear that if I put that much energy into it again, I'll just end up heartbroken once more. I worry that she will not believe me when I tell her that I love her and that I really want her to come. All I can do is try to move through the grief and depression. I also have to try to keep my fertility up for a few more months, a feat that is not easy at my age, especially when you feel the situation is hopeless. The reading confirmed that the grief and depression are not doing anything for my fertility, which I already knew. We can not rush this. The earliest we will try again is fall, if that is still an option for us.


Beautiful Mess said...

Is it possible that your spirit baby is still with you becuase you're not ready to let her go? I don't want to hurt your feelings or sound crass, but you're still grieving and part of grieving is holding onto what could have been. I hope that makes sense and it didn't offend you.
Sending you lots of peace and LOTS of love.

Phoebe said...

Beautiful Mess, no that is not it. I didn't want to post the details of the reading, but it really has nothing to do with me. She does want to be our child.

Sweet Georgia said...

Phoebe- That's a heck of a lot of pressure to be putting on yourself. As long as you have an open heart, your spirit baby will know you and be with you. How she enters your life may not be through the usual route, but she will come into your life.

Sending hugs to you.

Phoebe said...

Sweet Georgia, I actually asked Walter some questions about this, if I'm understanding the meaning of your comment. I did not get any indication that our spirit baby would come through adoption. She would prefer if she came through Magic and I, but she would accept donor eggs. We are not quite there yet with donor eggs though.

Infertile In the City said...

Glad that you met with Walter - and that she is still with you - I am sure part of the sadness that you feel is her sadness that she could not make the move from spirit world to ours during the last cycle (who knows the reason - but - it maybe for any number of reasons - perhaps it was a boy embryo and she would like to be a girl - or it may not have been healthy enough...). I think about this stuff a lot (my inlaws starting trying to have my husband 5 years before he showed up! But here is the kicker - if he was born 5 years earlier we would have never got together - so sometimes it really has nothing to do with you or magic - but just timing that is all).
Hugs to you - perhaps we can take the big plunge together in the fall.

Wishing 4 One said...

Thanks for your kind words. Thinking of you and hoping your baby will find you soon.

Lavender Luz said...

"there is nothing I can do at this point."

I find that the hardest thing to do is to completely surrender. And, ironically, surrendering is what makes things flow again.

Hugs, Phoebe.

Sky said...

Phoebe, I'm sorry for your sadness. You and I are the same age and I know it's so difficult to let go of your own eggs - it feels like defeat. Thankfully, I had a relatively easy time at donor eggs but that's rare and I understand.

I guess, you have to try with your eggs until YOU are ready to stop.

Keep up the good work improving your fertility and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes glued to your blog when you're cycling at big fancy clinic.

Pie said...

Ugh, I'm sorry your struggling right now. It is so hard. I do agree with Lavender's comment, sometimes letting go and just being is the way to get the energy flowing again in a positive direction. It almost feels like the opposite of what you need to do. I always grapple with feeling the need to control, to do things to help me move forward, but I also know that I need to let go at times too. The elusive balance, I guess.

Anonymous said...

I am sure your baby knows and senses that you love her. Sending you peace.

Lost in Space said...

I wish I knew the answer as to how to get her to you. I'm glad she is still with you, but am sorry that you both are grieving so deeply right now. That helpless, hopeless feeling is a hard one to shake. I'm sitting with you, listening and waiting for whatever is next. Hugs.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

Hi Cutie,
I am so sad reading this post because of how it makes me feel about my spirit baby.

I am glad to know your spirit baby is still with you. I wish I knew what was the special circumstance or requirement that would make it feel right for her to come to you physically.

Hi spirit baby. Maybe you know what is here on this blog. I hope you come to mommy soon so you can start a marvelous life.