Friday, July 4, 2008

Land of the Free

Home of the Brave

It's been a rough week for me. I started out the week feeling pretty good. I felt I had found some meaning in our loss. I felt some hope in transformation through The Phoenix Process. Then, just when I thought I was doing better, reminders of our loss kept popping up. I haven't been getting much sleep because of these things bothering me. This morning's experience pushed me to act.

After a restless night, I woke up depressed. I allowed myself to grieve some more in bed, sobbing, and wondering how I would get through this. These feelings are intensified by the fact that I am ovulating. I can feel my uterus today, and it strangely feels similar to when I was pregnant. Yesterday morning, I woke with a clear message in my head: "I do not want children." Well, that's true, in that I didn't want children right at that moment. I wondered if it was really a true feeling, or a reaction to the trauma I experienced while pregnant. I went to the office and was completely engrossed in my work, when another reminder hit me like a 2x4 in the head. I walked in the bathroom, and one of the pregnant women in my office just came out of a stall with her very large belly exposed as I nearly ran into her. A cascade of emotions began flowing from my heart. First jealousy that she was having the baby girl I should be having. But no, I wasn't angry with her. It wasn't her fault, what happened to us. Then, wishing that we had never been put in the position we were in. Angry with our clinic. Regretting that we had been put in a shitty situation that I never wanted to be in. I spent the rest of the day mulling over the events between work commitments, and it continued into an emotional session with my therapist. My therapist described what happened to us in a metaphor, about all the efforts I had put into getting pregnant and what happened afterwards: "It's like you were driving 65 miles and hour, and you hit a brick wall that you didn't know was there. Now, you are left to pick up the pieces."

This morning, when I sensed into my uterus, I felt her love. I felt her love for a child. Since our loss, the couple of times I have ovulated, I've felt a renewed desire to have a child. Even if I am not ready to go there yet or I am considering quitting all efforts to get pregnant, ovulation pulls me back into wanting a child. This drive feels stronger than my will.

I was feeling all this love and desire for a child again, so I picked up a book I had been avoiding, Understanding Your Moods When You are Expecting, and dang it, if there wasn't a story that paralleled mine right on the pages I opened to. My heart stood still, ready to break all over again. Luckily, the story did not say what the outcome was, but it did confirm that I was not crazy.

I have been fairly cryptic about my pregnancy loss experience for many reasons. It was a complicated situation that not everyone would understand, but I believe would be a helpful story for those who are ready to hear it. Unfortunately, Blogger does not have password protected posts. Wordpress does have password protected posts. I tried to get comfortable again with Wordpress last night, but I really don't like it. Today, after reading this uncanny story similar to mine, I found the only way to protect my posts in Blogger is to create a separate private blog and link the posts. I am going to try it out today, on Independence Day.

"The truth shall set you free"
American's have this thing about the truth. We value the truth. Our Constitution talks about our truths (guess I'm feeling a bit patriotic today). While I am a lover of truth, not everyone is. Sometimes, I feel like I'm having this conversation with the blogsophere, or maybe even myself, when I think about sharing what happened to us. It's one of the great scenes from an American movie classic, "A Few Good Men":

Col. Jessup (Jack Nicholson): "You want answers?"
Lt. Kaffee (Tom Cruise): "I think I'm entitled."
Jessup: "You want answers?"
Kaffee: "I want the truth!"
Jessup: "YOU can't handle the TRUTH!"

This scene from the movie will raise hairs on the back of your head. It's such a great performance by Jack Nicholson, that I couldn't resist including it here again. Americans, if you're not feeling patriotic today, this will surely make you question your country!

She's Got Ovaries
In the book Broken Open that I talk about in my previous post, The Phoenix Process, the author, Elizabeth Lesser, writes about her extramarital affair that she had for a year before divorcing her husband. I thought that was pretty ballsy of her, or, as my friend likes to say, "she's got ovaries". The affair and her former lover was what prompted her decent to the fires of hell, metaphorically speaking, and she emerged like the phoenix from the ashes to transform her life that was true to her real self. When I first read it, I thought she was being awfully self-indulgent, but as I pushed my ego's judgment aside, I saw that she was making a point. That life might unfold in such a way that you find yourself doing things you that you never thought you would do, but that there is a method to the Universe's madness, or at least, I'd like to believe there is. She didn't have to divulge this controversial thing that she did in her life, but in her candor of her humanity, I got the point she was trying to make, probably much more so than if she just lectured about the process without the personal connection. I got it, and I respected her for her honesty and humility. Sometimes, it takes an experience like hers to really crack you open.

If you would like to read my story, e-mail me at to request access to my private version of this blog. Please also write a line or two about why you would like to read my story. If I like what you say, or I know you are a regular reader from your comments, I'll grant you access. My story may be potentially disturbing to you, so consider that in your request. If you want to read my story for entertainment purposes only, then I'll have to decline your request. If you are a lover of the truth, then I welcome you. It goes something like this...

Not What I Expected When I Was Expecting


Spicy Sister said...


I haven't commented in a long while but I read every post you write.

It is eye-opening to me at times to feel how much I identify with your emotions, your process, your approach to your process....when we are in such vastly different places.

The emotions brought on by this pregnancy come like giant waves. Waves of grief for what I am missing from my family, waves of fear for what I find missing in myself, waves of despair for what I find missing in the world.

But what I want to say is that I am so glad that you have decided to share your story and your truth, and to do it in a way that will protect your heart and the sacred nature of what you carry inside. It takes so much courage to do this. I am challenged by your courage and your creativity. I have been sitting on so many thoughts, feelings, processes that I am too afraid to write about, too afraid to share - for fear of certain people I know might read it and how they will react.

I believe in you and what you are doing. I believe you are moving towards great healing and restoration and that you are leading others there as well. All I can offer is to encourage you to stay with it....stay with your heart. It is very very good.

Blessings to you.

Lost in Space said...

Huge hugs. I hope that being able to speak freely about your loss will help you find some healing.

Duck said...

I love your posts, the honesty and purity of them.
Since learning that I can't get pregnant ever, I feel changed, and I've been searching for bloggers like you, that are trying to heal, to make sense of things that are impossible to make sense of.

Thanks for blogging