You Know Your FET is Getting Closer When...

10. Your needle sizes get larger.
9. The PIO needle starts looking more like a subcutaneous shot than a whale harpoon.
8. You look at the freezer-burnt buns in your freezer and hope your embryos will fare better.
7. Working in the office consists of checking IF blogs every hour.
6. You spend more time worrying than getting poked by needles or didlo-cams.
5. Hurry up and wait turns into "OMG, so soon"?!
4. When your husband asks, "how was your day, honey?" you no longer respond with, "eat sh*t and die!!"
3. You are starting to look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy Girl.
2. One minute you are crying because you know this is going to fail, and the next minute you are fantasizing about jumping on couches when you find out you are pregnant.
1. You think of cute names for your frozen embryos, like Snowflake, Nannook, and Frosty.

Which officially kicks off the "Name Phoebe's Frozen Embryos" contest. The winner will get one of their choosing:

Door #1. Phoebe's positive pee-stick, made of the finest plastic from Taiwan.
Door #2. Snowcone from authentic Rocky Mountain snow (we'll try to avoid the yellow stuff).
Door #3. Mystery gift.

Leave your:
1) "You know your FET is getting closer when..."
2) Frozen Embryo Name(s) - no more than two
3) and choice of gift in the comments!
Two winners are possible!

Game on Tuesday, March 24th!

Into the Heart of the Beast

Actual conversation at Big-Shot-Fertility-Clinic:

Me: I really like these John_Fielder photos they have here. Our old clinic didn't have anything nearly as nice.

Magic: Yeah, they are gorgeous.

Me: They couldn't have been cheap (these photos are at least 4'x5'). How much do you think they cost?

Magic: At least two or three IVF cycles.

Me: Baahaahaa!

Today was the big move of the embryos from our old fertility clinic to the "new" big-shot-fertility-clinic. The conversation above took place at our cozy local satellite office, which is nothing like HQ big-shot-fertility-clinic in the big city nearby. I had heard a nick name for this place alluding to a place where kings live, but I have a new one. We walked in and the obligatory large water fountain greets your entrance. I immediately noticed the cheesy mall type music piped in all over the place. We went upstairs to wait for our shipping tank, and I could look over the balcony and watch the nervous couples sign their consent forms. I felt like I was in a friggin' mall, the music and all! They even have a "food court" with a flat screen TV! So I named this place "The Mall". It even looks like a big box store from the outside. It's really weird and not nearly as nice as our friendly local satellite office.

Our consent forms to transfer our embryos were equally weird had me in a panic the last couple of weeks. The first line says,

"While Big-Shot-Fertility-Clinic-Lab does not recommend transferring embryos from one Center to another, there are circumstances which warrant transporting patient's embryos to another program."

Gasp!! I know this is CYA, but still, I was freaking out. What had we done? Dr. BloSunMyCha reassured me that they do this kind of thing all the time. Were we putting our embryos at risk? The third line of the consent really made me second guess our decision to move our embryos:

"Embryos must be transported in a special "Dry Shipper" and it is possible for the dry shipper to fail or for the nitrogen vapors to drain out should the shipper not be placed upright. Should the embryos thaw during shipping, they will be non-viable."

I almost had a heart attack. Luckily, it is very handy to have a husband that works with liquid nitrogen tanks. He assured me that I had a greater chance of being hit by lightening than having our tank fall over and all the liquid nitrogen vapors drain out. Once we did pick up the tank, I realized that a dry shipper is very safe, even if it does tip over. The liquid nitrogen in a dry shipper is absorbed into it's walls, so there is very little liquid nitrogen left in the tank to spill out. Below is what the shipper looked like from the outside.

Magic was miffed that it didn't have wheels, like his. The protector symbol from my patronus on top of the tank is mine, not the lab's! I had to move one of the seats from the back of my car to brace the shipping tank - one of the other things I love about my new car, removable back seats! The actual tank is inside, and I didn't want to take a picture of it for fear of any cold vapors escaping!

I had hoped that I could have moved my embryos without having to talk to anyone at my old clinic. Such was not the case, unfortunately, but I was able to do it all over e-mail. The embryologist at my old clinic wrote me, "sorry to see you are moving to another program." This set off a whole slew of emotions and confirmed for me the reason I couldn't go back there. What I wanted to say to her was, "remember that e-mail you sent me that said, 'our job is to just get you pregnant, so sorry about what happened to you'?" or "you failed to have me sign some critical consent forms that should have warned us of the risks we were getting into" or "you fucking lying whore-bitch, I hope you rot in hell!!" At least we had ad nauseum consent warnings from the big-shot-fertility-clinic, hence the reason we turned down assisted hatching. We do not want to have any more procedures done to our embryos that may cause them to split. There was a bit of an uncomfortable moment when we first met the embryologist to retrieve our embryos and the remainder of Magic's 15 year old sperm. It was a brief stay, and we went on our merry way after she showed us the straw that the embryos are stored in and the two vials of remaining sperm, cursing her in my mind as we left.

I was really glad I got to personally talk to the man who will be responsible for handling our embryos. I gave him the 30 second version of our story, so he would understand our situation and hopefully prevent what happened last time. While I was pretty stressed about moving our embryos, it turned out to be relatively trivial. Magic got a snack from the "food court" before we left, and we fortuitously were able to meet Arpee from The Saga of Being Fruitful and her husband for a brief rendezvous in the parking lot on our way out. It was a nice touch of comfort after being all wound up about a potential disaster. What better place to meet your fellow blogger than at The Mall?

Show & Tell: The Ring

Resourcing

Part of working with trauma is to find resources. These are resources that you find supportive and help you when you are feeling a trauma response. One of my resources is this ring:

The ring has two purposes. This is my great-grandmother's, but I more associate it with my maternal grandmother. The ring reminds me of all the nurturing that my Italian grandmother gave to me as a child. The ring and how it got here has an interesting story. My great-grandmother, who also was from Italy, came to this country with her husband. She sent her husband back to Italy to sell some land she owned and to bring the money back. He ended up bringing back this stunning diamond and sapphire ring instead. She was very angry with him because, as she said, "I can't eat that ring!" They ended up getting divorced.

My great-grandmother lived with her daughter-in-law, my grandmother who also immigrated from Italy. My grandfather, who was 1st generation Italian-American, whisked my grandmother away from Italy after knowing her for three weeks and not speaking any Italian. My grandmother did not speak English and did not learn English until my mother went to school. My grandfather was known as "the American" to the Italians, and he was my grandmother's ticket out of poverty in Italy to a better life in America. She got the ring from her mother-in-law, she gave it to my mother, and my mother gave it to me when she got too fat to wear it. As the youngest in a family of six who usually gets worn out hand-me-downs, this is one I cherish.

Coming into the Present

The second purpose of the ring is to serve as a distraction. When you are experiencing trauma, you are not present. You focus on the trauma as if it was happening now. The ring and other things that catch my eye serve to bring me back into the present. When you experience trauma, you get extremely focused. You focus only on the trauma. The point of looking around is to see the bigger picture and to focus on other things. It also helps me realize that I am not actually experiencing the trauma right now, though that is what my brain keeps replaying.

I have been struggling with re-living the trauma of my past pregnancy and loss as I get closer to our FET transfer. Some days are better than others when I am not identified with the trauma. Other days, something sets me off and I'm stuck in this doom-n-gloom feeling. The "Dream Team" that I posted about previously are part of my pool of resources. The ring reminds me of my other guardian angel, my grandmother.

Angels sponsored by Mel's Show and Tell.

How You Can Help

I have intentionally not been posting all the gory details of the ups and downs of this FET cycle for me. I want to focus on the positive. Even though I am struggling with past memories of my traumatic pregnancy, I chose not to identify with that. One way not to identify with that is for me not to write about it here. I realize that this may be frustrating for you, my reader, because your natural inclination is to want to help. How can you help me if I'm not telling you what is happening during this cycle? It is possible to be empathetic without knowing all the details.

One way you can help is by leaving a comment. It really helps, even if you have to fake something. It feels supportive to me and I don't feel that people are only commenting when I'm bitching or agonizing about something or writing about something you can relate to.

Guardian Angel (1 inch tall) on top of my closet door*

Next, I have a very specific way you can help. This was in response to a request from my friend over at GeeksInRome. Yes, it has something to do with the image above. I have posted this on my private blog for those who have access: please click here. If you do not have access to my private blog, please e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com and I will e-mail you the post. I thank you in advance!

I've also been just down right busy and trying to take care of myself at the same time. That doesn't leave much time for blogging, though I have half-a-dozen blog entries written in my head. All the moping (as in mope) and goofing around I did in December and January has caught up with me at work. Ok, I had a car accident in there, so I had a good excuse for some of it, but still. Our busy season at work has started, plus I want to get some gardening done before my FET. My priority right now is communicating with my spirit baby with the little time left I have in the evening to myself. Thanks for understanding. Now leave a comment, dammit! (that's the Lupron talking, really! Where's an estrogen patch when you need one?!!)

*This is a protector angel. Notice that she has a baby in her arms. Her actual size is a little over an inch tall. She's on top of the door to my closet because that is the "Children" part of our bedroom according to the Feng Shui bagua.

Another credit to Anne_Taintor for the vintage_humor above!

Calling All Angels

I was looking forward to this FET being "easy" compared to IVF, but I'd have to say that it's not. Yes, there are less shots to do and wanding and the like, but I've said before, the shots are not the hard part.

Which is why I'm looking for help wherever I can get it these days. I bought some inspirational reminders this weekend of my "army" of help. I can't always tell they are there, so it's helpful to have their representatives to cheer me up.

First up are the angels.

I've been starting at this beautiful angel with the baby in her lap at every acupuncture appointment I go to. I love her sparkly wings! I finally asked Em, my acupuncturist, where she got it. Fortunately, she bought her at a local groovy store right here in Woo-woo-ville!! She doesn't really come from here, but from here.

While I was at the local groovy store, I had to get this little figurine of my other patronus with baby patronus.


The mother owl is kinda scary looking but the baby owl was too cute to resist! I also loved the inscription that came with the owls.

Night Vision

Owl Mother teaches her
fledgling to pierce the darkness
and reveal what is hidden.

Shedding light on shadow
deepens understanding and calms fear.

This reminded me of what Walter told us that our spirit baby wanted to learn from me, so it fit perfectly.

Lastly, the Quan Yin my husband bought from me on his last trip to China. Magic and I joke that she is the finest plastic that money can buy!


"Hope" and "Courage" that flank Quan Yin were sent to me by Brenda at No Regrets. You see, I lent Brenda my Quan Yin necklace, and while her cycle was not successful, I have her lovely spirit as a support now. It's not about luck for me. It's about the heart, and Brenda's heart is big and beautiful. I will cherish carrying her love with me now in my Quan Yin necklace. Below Quan Yin are the beads I received from the women in my support group from the Blessingway we did together. I had never done a Blessingway before, and this was a powerful ceremony in which we welcomed our future children and honored the mother in all of us. I hope to do again soon.

My representatives from a mish-mash of traditions sit all together on my dresser, and I have to admit, they look kinda ridiculous together. I should spread them out in different places, but I also like to think of them as my "Dream Team".

Next up: How you can help in Calling all Angels.

BL-OSCARS

I've been getting some blog-bling, and it's time to show it off. Nothing like a few good awards from fellow bloggers to make you feel good. After a craptacular start to my week, I needed a pick me up. Plus, I've been storing these up (read, procrastination). It's time to pass some of the love on.


Thanks to Clio at Dancing with Gaia for tagging me on this one.

What is expected is that I need to -
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.



1. I don't like ketchup and mustard. Never have. As a kid, I always got plain hamburgers at McDonald's. For some reason, my brothers always hated me for that. Probably because they had to wait longer for their meal while they were cooking my special order.
2. I confiscated my stepson's weed stash a few weeks ago and contemplated saving it for myself, but then flushed it down the toilet. I'm kinda regretting that now!
3. If I didn't pluck my eyebrows, they would be singular. Gotta love those Italian genes!
4. The only Italian I learned from my sweet little old Italian grandmother who religiously said a rosary every night were swear words.
5. I broke my leg first time I went downhill skiing at age 12. I never learned to downhill ski, but I actually tried snowboarding a few years ago. After bruising my tailbone, I decided that wasn't so good for my fertility.
6. I hated physics and philosophy in college.
7. I wanted to be an astronomer growing up. Upon learning that astronomy is basically physics, I bailed.
8. I love reading books that are considered childrens' books or for adolescents. I read the first four Harry Potter books in 3 1/2 weeks. Hey, I had to catch up with what my husband was reading his kids when I first met them!
9. I don't dye my hair. I have very few grey hairs. Doctors either think I do dye my hair because I'm forty-two, or they think I'm younger because I don't.
10. I'm a sucker for a man with grey hair. Move over Brad Pitt, I'm more of a George Clooney kinda gal. It's one of the things that attracted me to my husband.

I'm passing this on to the following bloggers:
1. Onward and Sideways
2. Laura at Fertility Alphabet Soup
3. Dora at ISO the Golden Egg
4. Murgden at Conceive This!
5. Geohde at Mission Impossible
6. Melissa at How to Get From 0 to Pregnant in 365 Easy Steps
7. Chicklet at Bloorb


Next, thanks to the Muser at MusingsMusingsMusings for this lovely award!

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:




1. Where is your cell phone? upstairs
2. Where is your significant other? here
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Absent
5. Your father? Co-dependent
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? dreamy
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? gardening
11. Your fear? mothering
12. Where do you want to be in six years? mothering
13. Where were you last night? couch-surfing
14. What you're not? blonde
15. One of your wish list items? carpet!
16. Where you grew up? Ohio
17. The last thing you did? shots
18. What are you wearing? Car.hartts
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? cat
21. Your computer? on
22. Your mood? stressed
23. Missing someone? daughter
24. Your car? Toyota
25. Something you're not wearing? makeup
26. Favorite store? REI
27. Your Summer? surviving
28. Love someone? Magic
29. Your favorite color? rainbow
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I nominate the "I heart your blog" award to the following lovely women and man:
1. RetroGirl at Life Through My Lens
2. Ashley at Planet Davila
3. Luna at Life from Here: Musings from the edge
4. Cassandra at Baby Smiling in the Back Seat
5. Mo and Will at Life and Love in the Petri Dish
6. Loribeth at The Road Less Traveled
7. Kate at Gluten Free Gobsmacked


Finally, a big thanks to Brenda at No Regrets for giving me the "Uber Amazing Blog!" award. I'd give it to her too, but someone beat me to it! She really made my day at the time she gave me this award. It was embarrassingly too long ago to admit when she gave it to me, but thanks just the same!

Here is a little bit about the award:

The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of the award are:
1-Put the logo on your blog or post.
2- Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that for you are uber amazing.
3- Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog
4-Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.
5-The envelope please...

1. The Muser at MusingsMusingsMusings.
2. Eurydice at Geeks in Rome
3. Spicy Sister
4. The Duck's big ol' blog of how to build a nest
5. Lori at Weebles Wobblog

Choosing was difficult. There are a lot of great blogs out there. I hope all blogs will get an award at some point, if we just keep passing the good mojo on!

Show & Tell: Car Shop

Today's Show & Tell is titled Car Shop, a spoof off my favorite car radio show Car_Talk. After a fender bender in December that ended up totaling my 2000 Toyota RAV4, I was in the market for another car. I asked readers in a poll which car they think I should buy:

1) Same car as I'd had, 2000 Toyota RAV4
2) Toyota RAV4, Newer Model
3) Subaru Outback
4) Subaru Forester

Before you scroll down to the bottom and see what kind of car I ended up buying, read through this entire post. You might learn something about car safety!

I loved my old car, so my inclination was to purchase the same thing. Nobody voted for this one, which was a good idea. I decided to think like a mommy and check out what mother's recommended for safe vehicles. I found this website called MotherProof that has all kinds of car reviews. This website doesn't have any reviews of cars older than 2006, so it didn't really help me there in the used car market I was looking at. It did educate me on car safety by watching this video on crash-testing. The video was produced by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS). I perused their safety ratings for my 2000 Toyota RAV4, and basically learned that it was a death trap. Had I been in a serious car accident, I could have been injured for life! I also learned by comparing ratings that the government organization that does crash tests, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, doesn't have nearly as comprehensive testing or ratings for car safety. Lesson learned, if you want to check a car you are considering to purchase for safety ratings, go to the IIHS.

No one voted on my poll for the Subaru Outback, which was also a good idea. While the Subaru Outback and Forester have the best safety ratings out of all the compact SUVs I was looking at, I just plain didn't like driving the Outback. The Subaru Forester got second in my poll. It was OK, but I didn't like some of the features it had compared to the RAV4. I did like the 2009 Subaru Foresters, though out of my price range, probably because Toyota bought Subaru a few years ago. Foresters are lookin' a lot like RAV4s these days!

Then, there was another compact SUV that I did not put on the poll, the Honda CRV. I wanted to love the Honda CRV, really I did! The 2005-2006 models I was looking at were nicely updated with lots of storage room and I could find it in a manual transmission. I no longer felt like I was driving a bus, as I did with the 2000 Honda CRV. It made perfect sense to buy this car as it was larger than my old RAV4, but still small enough to feel like a compact car. The problem was the seats. After test driving a couple of different ones, I'd always have a backache or buttache afterward.

The RAV4 won out in the end. I bought a 2005 Toyota RAV4. This was the last year of the older model before the RAV4s got bigger in 2006 and got rid of the manual transmission. I found one with a stick shift and low miles. The engine is upgraded from my old RAV4 from 2.0 liter 122 horsepower to 2.4 liter 144 horsepower. For a 4-cylinder engine, this car has pep and is much more fun to drive than my old RAV4. Upgraded safety features for this RAV4 include antilock brakes and side curtain airbags. To compare the IIHS safety ratings of my old versus new RAV4s (more detail can be found on their website):

2000 Toyota RAV4
Frontal Crash Test: Marginal
Side Impact: Poor

2005 Toyota RAV4
Frontal Crash Test: Good
Side Impact: Good

Reader's Choice wins! "Toyota RAV4, Newer Model" got the most votes. The view of my new/used 2005 Toyota RAV4 from my driveway:


See what the rest of the class is showing off this week at Mel's Show and Tell.