Monday, June 15, 2009

Psycho PMS Bitch meets Grief Beast

The uncontrollable crying started yesterday. The tip off I had that this was PMS related was that I had the same thing happen last month; the sobbing while not really sure where it was coming from - from nowhere and everything at once. The other tip off was that I started spotting this morning. Why is it that PMS magnifies any sad feelings you are having a hundred times?

I was doing laundry today, and it reminded me of Fluffernutter. What cat doesn't like sleeping in the dirty laundry? That made me cry. I cried again for those who never were and were lost. With every new loss, the past losses feel as if they are happening fresh all over again.

I asked Magic to make dinner tonight. I smell something burning from downstairs and come up to see the kitchen filled with smoke. He left to go to his office and thought I would somehow magically intuit that I need to watch the soup. I was in such a rage. It was a good thing neither he nor Fluff were here. Screaming like that really does not make me feel better. It makes me feel psychotic and gives me a sore throat.

I can bear this knowing that it is transitory and will only last a day, the PMS that is. I wish there was an antidepressant I could take for a day or two only for PMS. Should I have known that if I suffer severe and sometimes suicidal mood swings during PMS that I would have pre-natal suicidal depression? Not even the neurotransmitter precursors I am taking as a supplement help with this type of hormone crash. I suppose I should be happy that I have any hormones to crash. I'm hoping that is the silver lining in all of this.

I had a couple of disturbing dreams the other night. I dreamt that Fluff was alive and healthy. I said to Magic in the dream, "how is this possible? She was dead?!" He said, "I need to give you and explanation." My mind was frantic, thinking, "did I take her to be cremated and she was actually still alive??!" I never got an answer, as that was where the dream ended. The next dream was about a cat who had markings like Fluff, but was not as fluffy. She came to me, as many of my cats do, and had a long stitched up scar along her body. She was someone else's cat, because she had a collar with tags on, but I didn't want to know who she belonged to. I wanted to keep her. Grief has a funny way of working its way out in your dreams.

I've had moments of feeling exhausted over the past couple of days. It's that monster, grief again. When I let the exhaustion really overcome me, the tears soon follow. I know grief is crushing me and I need to let it out. I guess I haven't really let it sink in how much of a hole in my heart has been exposed by Fluffernutter's passing. My super-ego says, "she was just a cat, get over it." I come home and look for her, but she's not here. She's not in the laundry. She's not anywhere. I can't even hold onto her in my dreams.

This is like some modern day horror movie, Psycho PMS Bitch meet Grief Beast. I wish it were entertaining like the cheesey Godzilla meets King Kong. I wish it was a movie, but it's all too real. All I can do is hold on and hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm still waiting to be happy again, someday.

16 comments:

Beautiful Mess said...

The silver lining here is that this is one less time you'll do this. Every time your grief monster comes, it's a little more you're letting out. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I truly am! I wish I could hold you until you've let it all out. It's completely OK that the loss of Fluff is bringing every thing up to the surface. I'm sending you TONS of hugs and even MORE understanding.
*HUGS*

Pundelina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have had those weird grief dreams too - they suck.

'Murgdan' said...

I'll wait with you. This stuff is all so hard to wade through.

Sweet Georgia said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. PMS really can be a bitch at times. Sending big hugs your way.

Erin said...

I came over from Stirrup Queens and am so sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. Losing a pet is so hard, and it compounds any other grief. I hope that soon your memories of her will bring smiles instead of sadness.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I hope today is better, sweetie. That the feelings broke through yesterday and are calming down today.

Emily said...

I am so sorry. Hoping tomorrow is a better day...HUGS

dragonflymama said...

i am so sorry for you loss. i can only send you hugs and light as you move through your grief.

Retro Girl said...

I'm so sad to read about the loss of Fluff...I feel privileged to have met him.

Many hugs to you.

kayjay said...

That's just the thing though - they're not "just" cats or dogs to us...they're a member of the family and I have cried buckets and buckets of tears over the loss. Don't beat yourself up about it. Mourn Fluffernutter as a member of your family. My DH always says that his old childhood dogs visit him when he dreams about them. I like thinking about my old cat and dog like that...that they come to see how I'm doing and visit with me in my dreams.

eyeheartinternet said...

Oh I am so sorry about your Fluff. (hugs) ):

Eurydice said...

so sad finding the kitty hair...

what about making a Fluffer shrine? When a friend's cat/roommate died after 18 years, he made a shrine near his bed that had the cat's collar, his fave toys, pictures, sympathy cards, cat bits (hair...) and he'd light a candle every night or whenever he missed him. It was really nice and he had it up for a long time.

It helped fill that void just a tiny bit.

Delenn said...

Coming from LAFCA. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had those types of loss dreams too--it leaves you so shaken.

Lavender Luz said...

I'm so sorry that this is a rough time. Sad + Mad = Total Ick.

Hope the storm clouds clear soon.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

oh, trauma, trauma, trauma...I know that feeling of every loss bringing up every past loss and grief. It's so hard. It was amazing for me after I'd been doing my trauma therapy for awhile to find that I was experiencing normal grief for the first time in years...experiencing just one loss rather than every previous loss too...I will keep hoping for more recovery for both of us. This trauma stuff--it sucks! Also, I think there are antidepressant treatments for severe PMS (PMDD?) where you just take one for a few days a month. My doctor told me about it before I went on a full schedule of zoloft. Maybe something worth looking into? Sending love and healing your way!

barrenlands said...

I once read somewhere that PMS is the time when a woman gets to explore that very dark side of her life. I wish I had the article... it felt empowering in a way and made me feel like it was okay to cry or want to scream. But you have been through SO MUCH too lately. Fluff was a part of your family and as soon as you first hugged her, she was more than just a cat. And she always will be. (hugs)