Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Baskin Robbins of Grief

Today, I learned I have a new flavor of grief. Anniversary grief. I guess it's kinda nice to have a name for it. It's not the same grief as the grief I had last year grief. I'm not big on talking about this anniversary, but yeah, it's been kicking my ass, especially because of how close it is to Mother's Day. I lived, but I think I'd just rather be in another country where they don't celebrate Mother's Day on that actual day. I actually feel much better, emotionally, since Sunday passed. I holed up in my house, but that wasn't enough. I also could not turn on the TV or read the newspaper lest I be reminded of what day it was. Really, it was hopeless.

I did get a nice Mother's Day gift. I talked with my mother for half an hour! For those who have not been following my story, my mother has this thing about talking on the phone, as in, she won't do it. I haven't talked with my Mom since I visited her last December. My Dad will talk a blue streak with you, but my Mom refuses to get on the phone. The love didn't last long. I got an off "joke" e-mail from my Mom two days later that went like this:

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No...I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I'm the youngest of six and my oldest sibling is seven years older than me. It's no mistake that my Mom found this funny, but to me, I just felt sad. Who would want to be thought of as a customer complaint? Thanks for making me feel wanted, Mom. If she had actually used some birth control, which I think would have been the best thing for her sanity and all of us in our family, I wouldn't be here, which is really ok by me.


B said...

With you in "Anniversary Greif". It's true, it's true. I think your body remembers time somehow.

thinking of you


DAVs said...

Well, I for one am glad you're here!

Glad you survived Sunday, it can be like a black hole of suckitude.

Anonymous said...

oh babe, this is so sad. Just when you thought she was making progress... bam!

try not to take her goofy condom joke personally. i really think she is like a lot of women from a certain generation that just don't show or allow themselves to feel love for their kids (they don't want to "spoil" them or don't want to become vulnerable to having the kids' break their hearts).

My MIL has never shown love for my hubby. he would have been 1 of 6, but 6 miscarried and acted like an IUD for the rest of her Fanny the Fertile life. (thank god, right?)
these women just really don't believe loving their children is their job. They see their job as "doing their duty" (leaving their fertility in fate's hands), then getting their kids fed, smart, and out the door in one-piece.

It's sad, but we are better off because we know there is more to motherhood than that.

I would be sorry if you had never been born. Even if you weren't born to be the apple of your mom's eye, you were still born for an important reason.

It's ok to feel sad, but just want you to know I love you and that ain't no small thing!!!

Duck said...

ugh awful comment, and I'm glad that you're suviving (I love the title baskin robbins of grief - that's great).

Lori said...

I was so excited that you had a long conversation with her, but then that joke, which could be taken as hurtful, deflated me. I can only imagine how it made you feel.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

I tried to leave a comment on this, but my internet connection crapped out just as I sent it. Mostly I wanted to say that though our experience must have its differences, I can so relate to that sense of not being wanted by a mother. And I just want to say that you are delightful and beautiful and authentic. I have learned that my own mom never rejected me--she couldn't, because she's never even known _ME_ she's only known her own pain and her own projections. She's never been able to see me. And I have beautiful moments of knowing deeply that beneath the grief and the sense of rejection, there is a me that glows with belovedness, with beauty. I think the same is true of you. Hugs to you!

butamoment said...

{Hugs} to you on your mom's joke. Sometimes they just say the totally wrong thing. They are just human and they live in a different generation. The first IVF baby is only 30 years old. ART is such a foreign thing to them.