Tuesday, October 14, 2008

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The Traumarama continues. Yesterday was my first trauma therapy session with a second therapist. I'm taking the shotgun approach. I felt good after the session, which I took as a positive sign. However, I had my usual agitation in the evening before going to bed. After listening to my Brainspotting CDs for 45 minutes, I finally got calm enough to sleep. Unfortunately, Magic wasn't sleeping well either, and he ended up waking me up about three hours after I fell asleep. I've been up ever since.

While I feel I made some progress in my session, I'm back stuck in my reactive state again. I swear, sometimes I feel like the Universe is after me. I walked out of my session feeling pretty good, and there is a dead squirrel right outside the driveway that wasn't there when I went in. I try not to let things like that bother me, but then I got upset when one of my favorite characters in the TV show "Heroes" got killed last night. The littlest things just build into a giant mushroom cloud.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never get beyond this, that I'm too damaged. I feel completely hopeless. I feel that this trauma will keep me from ever being a mother, and of course, there is the piece related back to my mother, so it feels like a vicious cycle. When I get like this, I feel that I'm to blame for everything, which of course isn't true. There is no reasoning in a state like this. You just wait for it to pass. You just hope that it will eventually pass, sooner rather than later. The blame takes the place of the not knowing. I want to know that everything that happened was ok and that everything will be ok. I either come up with answers I can not feel settled with or no answers at all. I'm not sure which is worse.

All I wanted was to get pregnant, be happy, and have a family. It was the story book ending that wasn't. Kinda like my childhood. I thought I was ready to be over it, but apparently I opened the Pandora's box without even knowing I was doing so.

I've always wanted to be a mom, and even after all that's happened, that hasn't gone away. I'm just a bit more wary of what I ask for.

If I didn't have so much to do at work, I would have taken another sick day and tried to get some sleep. I'm sure the sleep deprivation isn't helping either.

2 comments:

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, sweet Phoebe. I can relate. I'm sorry. I so hope this trauma therapy brings more peace.

geeksinrome said...

You can and have risen above the mistakes and dumb choices of the people before you. You are wise, reflective, humble, sensitive and very VERY good -- and your choices and desires are valid and right and the best for you and your family.

I know you know that, but because you're smart and sensitive those evil nagging doubts can drown out reason, so I just want to tell you you are on the right path and whichever fork you take from here on out -- you will be capable of doing what will be necessary to make that journey.

You are not making stupid, rash decisions about your life that are putting you places that are over your head (see: Palin). Never underestimate the power within you. The strength you have is never revealed until you are tested.

It is hard because you are sensitive and rightly worried about what other people think or if you are to blame for whatever... But ya know, there will always be someone out there who likes to point fingers.

Perfection sux and it's paralyzing in a bad way vs. an intelligent, stop-and-let-me-think about that before I act approach. I say embrace being imperfect, yet kind; stupid, yet knowing when you should be true to your own little voice.

Dude, nothing will stop the Phoenix from rising!! :) love you :)