Saturday, May 24, 2008

Shell Shocked

It's been less than a month. Why do I feel this way? I realized that I'm shell shocked. I keep waiting for things to get better. I keep waiting for the pain to go away. It comes and goes in different waves of different emotions. Sadness, guilt, anger, doubt...I keep going back to "why did this happen to me?". The Wizards tell me it's too soon to think about anything else but grieving.

We were told by our clinic that what had happened to us was 0.4% of their last 750 cycles. How do you plan for 0.4%?

I can't help but think about trying again, but I also am too terrified to go there, too traumatized to even think about it. I know I need to sink into the sadness, to allow the grieving. But sometimes, it feels like too much. It wasn't supposed to be this way. How much more can I let my heart break?


Lori said...

What a great name for your blog.

You WILL rise from the ashes.

In the meantime, let the grief have its way with you. I've found it moves through faster that way.

My Wizard told me: "That what you resist persists." So don't resist.

The Muser said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and for your very kind words. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I'm hurting for you. And though I don't know what it's like to go through IVF, I do understand loss and trauma and terror and grief, and I know the courage it takes to heal. Love and peace and gentleness and new life to you.

luna said...

I also love the name for your blog. hoping your rise is graceful and strong.

thanks for visiting my blog and for your comment!