Tales of the Phoenix

Join Me at My New Digs

2009-11-12T21:25:00.003-07:00

Yeah, the party has moved. Click over to find my new location:

http://talesphoenix.wordpress.com

Directions on how to get the password for protected posts are on my new blog. I hope you will make the move with me!

EPP CD 20: Moving

2009-11-01T13:44:00.006-07:00

I have 5.5 days left of my estrogen priming protocol medication. My IVF cycle should be starting sometime next week. In preparation, I'm moving this whole show over to Word.press. I have decided to password protect all of my posts about my IVF cycle details. Anyone who e-mails me and asks for the password will be sent it. One thing I realized is that I can now post pictures of myself with the password protect posts!!

My new blog will look similar to this blog. I have imported all my blog posts over to the new blog. The URL even looks similar. I hope you will all join me over there. I know it's a pain, but please update your links and readers. I have very much appreciated all of your support. I hope to see you over there! Click below to be re-directed to my new blog.

The New Tales of the Phoenix

Please e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com for the password.

EPP CD 17: Snowed

2009-10-29T12:15:00.000-06:00

One good thing about a big snow storm before Halloween is that no one has their Christmas lights up yet.

Phoebe's backyard today

Looks like about a foot and a half of snow, huh? I just wish I hadn't gone to the climbing gym last night before I shoveled the driveway. Ugh! I feel sorry for the trick-or-treaters come Saturday. Snow melts pretty fast around these parts, but I don't think it will melt quite that fast.

I'm not sure what's going on down in my nether regions with the whole estrogen priming thing. What I am happy about is that the side effects of est.race are WAAAAAYY better than BCPs! In fact, I have had relatively few side effects. Today, I started the Pro.metrium. This is smooth sailing so far. Could it be the hypno.therapy? I had my second session last night. I really hope to blog on it soon. I am really loving it! Even though it is expensive, I feel like I get my money's worth because I'm in a session for two hours, plus I get little freebies, like Lynsi's book or CDs.

Back in June, I wrote about all the supplements I was taking to improve egg quality and general health. After getting my stellar Day 3 results in June, I scrapped most of that and went back to the drawing board. First, I added in the juicing, mostly with vegetables. I still am juicing, but I'm only averaging once a day now. It's hard to get the second one in after work, with all the acupuncture (2x/week), hypno.fertility sessions (once every 2 weeks), and support groups (1x/week). I have to cook dinner and work out somewhere in there too. I stopped the pregnenolone for awhile, but I'm now back on DHEA. I can tolerate it for short periods of time. I'm taking 10 mg twice a day. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's all I can tolerate. Otherwise, it gives me heart palpatations. I also don't need my voice to go any deeper than it already is. It's bad enough when I answer the phone and the caller thinks I'm Magic! I'll stop the DHEA once I start my stims. I am also taking something like 3 g of L-arginine a day. I switched to a different brand and formulation that I seem to absorb better than what I was taking before. Everything gets approved by Dr. F, with his electro-dermal testing machine, before I take it.

In July, I added in frozen wheatgrass juice. I have now switched from frozen wheatgrass juice to chlorella, my secret ingredient of success, I think, for egg quality. I switched for a couple of different reasons. First, the frozen wheatgrass juice was a pain to buy and drink. I don't do well with cold drinks, according to my Chinese medicine diagnosis, so I would have to warm it up to room temperature. Also, the quality I was getting at the store was not consistent. I switched to chlorella because it is much easier to take and is much more potent than frozen wheatgrass juice. Plus, Paul_Pritchford, the well known TCM author who wrote Healing_With_Whole_Foods, loves the stuff. My brain feels clearer on the chlorella. I really feel like it is helping. I tried spirulina, but it tastes awful. I first started taking chlorella after I had all my mercury amalgams removed from my mouth two years ago. This was one of the many things I did to try to extend and improve my fertility. Not only do I like the idea of a toxic metal being removed from my mouth, I like how my teeth look with the white composite fillings now. It was one of the best things I ever did for my health and fertility. Chlorella helps to bind mercury from your body, also know as chelation, and remove it.

My last cycle was another 24 dayer for me, which is on the long end for me, or otherwise my normal. It was also clear when my period started. No weird starting and stopping, or spotting beforehand. This tells me I must be doing something right.

Eight more days of meds for the EPP. Everything feels like it is falling in place.

Edited at 8:37pm to add more info.

Lost

2009-10-23T18:32:00.003-06:00

I've lost a few friends during my baby making journey. Mainly the gals who just wouldn't understand what I've been through. I'm sad about this because I'm trying to reconnect with one of them, and it clearly isn't working. I haven't told her I'm going to cycle again. I know she wouldn't be able to support me in the way I need.

I attended a new support group on Thursday at our local office of BigShotClinic. It was just me and one other gal. She was a lot younger than me, at 31. She had a failed cycle at BigShotClinic and was really scared. I gave her all my good info and told her not to worry since she hadn't done anything before to improve her egg quality. I didn't really get much support myself, but I was happy afterward. I was able to talk to someone about what I was going through, what we were going through! I no longer felt like this person who censors a big chunk of my life, putting on my smiley face at work, when underneath, I'm scared, anxious, depressed, or just in the doldrums of waiting, like now. I really want to talk about this with other women who are going through the same thing, and not just do it once a week for an hour.

I really have cherished meeting the bloggers who I get to know through their blogs. I always feel happy after meeting with you. It is the same effect as I had after the support group this Thursday. I have to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been looking out for me since my last post. I'm very, very grateful and amazed at the outpouring of generosity!

So tell me, have you lost a BFF through your IF journey?

The Process

2009-10-18T10:40:00.005-06:00

Part of our decision to go ahead with trying with my eggs now is that we knew the whole donor egg process will take awhile. Part of the process is getting my family on board with egg donation, which I have not worked on yet. We knew we would have to wait until next year to try with donor eggs. If my family member were to agree to egg donation, we will have to fly her here for the work up, and then cycle, so we were well into next year.

I was really at a conflict about what do to. Magic surprised me with a seemingly logical solution. He said, let's try now. If it doesn't work, it will take time for us to recover before doing a cycle with donor eggs. We will also have to see where he is at with his job situation. He suggested that if he starts making a regular salary again, then we can try. If not, we would not try because we would not have the money. Having money be a barrier to having a child really sucks, but it is a reality. My motto is, if there is a will, there is a way.

I also kept thinking that if I was ever going to have a chance with my eggs again, this was it and BigShotClinic is THE place to do it. Hot flashes be damned, statistics be damned, we are going to give this our best shot. I have never thought of myself as "infertile". I'm just old and my husband had a vasectomy. We can overcome these things with the advances in technology. I just have a feeling that I've got a couple of good eggs in there still. As I told Dr. BloSun, we are not going to know what my embryos are like until they look at them in the lab. Last time I did IVF, the embryologist told me that she was surprised. My embryos looked like those of a woman 10 years younger than me. I am not someone who has been trying and trying on my own with my husband for a long time. He had a vasectomy that worked, so there is no chance of us getting pregnant doing it ourselves. I knew this when I married him, but I was naive at how intense IVF is. Even if you had a known fertile woman do IVF, there is no guarantee she will get pregnant.

I started having doubts about doing my cycle now. I've got this whole thing about having my transfer anywhere near the full moon. When I got my calendar, my estimated transfer is right between the new and full moon. I started to worry that I would be too near the full moon. I looked at the calendar, and thought a transfer in December would have been better. I started to beat myself up. Last weekend, it felt like December here, with snow and below freezing temperatures. I thought, I don't want to do an IVF cycle in that kind of weather so close to Christmas. If felt too stressful. Even though there is a good chance that I might be on bed rest or have my transfer on Thanksgiving, it feels right to do this now. On Wednesday, I read this post from Sheri's intuitive Tuesdays, and I knew I had picked the right time to do this (read my comment too). Later in the day, I read on IVF.Connections that BigShotClinic doesn't allow anyone to start stims after Dec 1st because of their shut down over the holidays, and I would have been out for December if I had waited another month to start my estrogen priming. To wait until January at my age is too risky to try with my eggs again. This is the right time for me to be doing this cycle. I can feel it!

Thank you so much for your support. I do not think I could go through these highly stressful fertility treatments without you gals.

It is time for me to ask of your help once again. I am looking for donations of any unused medications for our upcoming cycle. As much of the country has been impacted by the current financial crisis, so have we. My husband has not pulled in a regular salary in a year. My job is solid, but because I am a g-woman, I do not make enough to cover all of our expenses. We will be borrowing for this upcoming cycle anyway we can. If you have any of the following, I would really appreciate your help. I can pay for shipping and make a "donation" for your donation too!

Cetro.tide

Foll.istim, 900iu cartridges preferably

Men.opur

Viv.elle

Endo.metrin

Sai.zen

You can e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com for details.

Now, I'm off to make my juice.

The Hearts Have It

2009-10-13T12:31:00.009-06:00

I've been putting this post off, because what I'm about to say next terrifies me. When I said I was "crapping my big-girl-panties" in my last sign off, I was partly feeling like I was getting yelled at by Dr. BloSunMyCha and partly feeling like, "holy crap, I might actually do this?!" I also wanted to take the weekend off from talking about fertility treatments and infertility. This last month has been so stressful, from the follow-up with Dr. BloSunMyCha, to the weighing of our options, and trying to decide what to do next. I had my first "hypnofertility" session last night. I'll post about that later. I will say that it relaxed me. Now, I just need one of these every night!

I really appreciated you gals getting all up in arms in my defense! Let me just say that I am not angry at Dr. BloSun. Actually, after the e-mail I got yesterday from him regarding my recent questioning of taking preventive antibiotics, I may take that statement back. More on that later. I think Dr. BS is mostly just doing his job, making sure I know what I'm getting in for. However, I see this as negative hypnosis. I know what he said had a huge emotional impact on me. In my heart, I still wanted to try one more time with my eggs and see if what I have been doing the last three months have been making a difference. My cycles have been basically very similar to what they were a year and a half ago when I last did IVF. My head was telling me the logical choice was to move on to donor eggs as it has the best statistical chances for us.

I thought I would never make a decision based on going against the "facts". I thought I would be a "smart" person. I also did not want to make any decisions based on fear. The fact is that by going right to donor eggs, I was allowing my fear of failure to get the best of me. I do not want to go into DE with any regrets. I do not ever want to wonder, "what if?" I can see how it affected the woman from my friend's baby shower. I see the shadow of regret and doubt in her face when she said to me, "so you got pregnant with your own eggs?" I could go straight to DE, but I also do not want that shadow the rest of my life. This is the only way to know.

We are following our hearts against the "medical experts". I feel happy about this decision, and terrified at the same time. We are trying one more time with my eggs. I also feel that it's fair that Dr. BS put some conditions on how many follicles he wanted us to have before going into egg retrieval. Frankly, I would rather he make that decision, than coming to us and saying, "what do you want to do?" I've been in that position before, and it's a hard decision to make. I also feel like I've got it in me to make five mature follicles, at least, I think I do!

Today, I started the est.race for the estrogen priming protocol. If you want to know what this protocol looks like, go over to Heidi's blog and click on the menu on the right where it says "The Protocol That Worked". Be forewarned that there is a picture of her infant daughter on her last blog post that you will see when you click over. The difference between her protocol and mine is that I'm starting the est.race on CD1 (today) and not taking it as long, as she extended hers because of a vacation. I think I will be on max stims too (been there, done that). I don't have my full calendar yet. I take the est.race orally, so I will not be among the blue skid marked smurfettes that Jill so colorfully described in her FET protocol. Maybe I'll just turn blue, but it will be out of the anxiety of holding my breath, not from the blue pills!

I'm also preparing to move this whole show over to Word.press. I'll transfer all my posts over, but I feel like I just need that password protect option. I've stopped posting on my other private blog. I need to move on from the past for the sake of our spirit baby. I'll miss some of the nice features of Blogger, but I need to ensure my privacy. I'll allow anyone access that asks to my private posts. I'm still going to need lots and lots of support through this!! I just do not want to feel like a celebrity reality show, providing entertainment to the masses. If you want to lurk on my private posts, that's fine. I just want to know who you are. The other nice feature of Word.press is that I can block IP addresses. Not that I'm planning on doing this, but if I get any harassment, which happened to me on my old blog that no longer exists, I can do something about it now. It will be a few weeks probably before I actually make the move. I'll be password protecting all my posts that have the details of my IVF cycle.

Here's the antibiotic story I mentioned earlier: My nurse called me and told me I would be taking antibiotics this month, which surprised me, since I'm not doing any procedures. I'm not a big fan of antibiotics, as I think it was one of the factors that led to me getting leaky gut syndrome and developing food sensitivities. BigShotClinic makes their patients take antibiotics every time they pass your cervix, which is ridiculous. I never did this at my old clinic, and I was just fine. For the third time, I had to send an e-mail to Dr. BS asking if I could forgo the "preventative" antibiotics this month. His response was something like, "yes, you can forgo the antibiotics, but I strongly recommend that you take them, or else your cycle may not be as successful". Now I really felt like Dr. BS was living up to his new acronym and just trying to strong arm me. I also told him that I would be happy to do IV antibiotics and that this would be my preference for egg retrieval. This is what I did at my old clinic, in lieu of oral antibiotics. I basically skipped my whole gut, but still got the antibiotics. Dr. BS responded to this, saying that IV antibiotics would not reach the uterus as well as oral antibiotics. WTF?? Doesn't the oral antibiotics go into the bloodstream from the gut, and wouldn't the liver and intestinal enzymes break down some of those antibiotics? I was so baffled by his BS, that I ran this past Dr. F, my acupuncturist who has never given his two kids antibiotics EVER. He supported me 100%, which made me feel better about standing up to Dr. BS. Oh, and Sweet Georgia hit the nail on the head when she said the polar body testing was for their study, not for my benefit. I really feel the coercion after realizing that (grrrr).

It scares me how narrow an RE's knowledge is. I know I am going to get comments like, "can you change doctors?", but they are all narrow-minded in my opinion. Dr. BS is the 4th RE I've been to, and I really don't think it's going to get any better than this. I just want to get my eggs to BigShotClinics fabulous lab and hope they do their magic there for some viable embryos!

Holy crap, I really am doing this!!

The Answer

2009-10-08T14:57:00.003-06:00

I did not send my e-mail right away to Dr. BS. I needed time to calm down and make sure I finished it when I was not so emotional about the issue. I began drafting the e-mail Monday night. This morning, I woke up early, and realized that I needed to make a decision by Friday about starting EPP, in case my period comes early. I finished the e-mail, and sent it off to Dr. BS at 6:30am. Being the incredibly efficient and punctual man that he is, he replied by 11:30am. It truly is the one thing I love about this doctor, his accessibility.

I needed to send Magic an e-mail about something else, so I logged on to my personal account, knowing that "The Answer" could be there. My heart pounded. It was there. I read some other e-mails first. I considered waiting until tonight to read Dr. BS's e-mail. I had already surrendered myself to "whatever will be, will be". I finally got my big-girl-panties on again, and opened the e-mail. I will paraphase the answer here. I have changed all the names and exact wording to protect the innocent.

"Dear Phoebe,

I hope that you have been well.

At our last regroup, I told you your eggs were crap and that you should use donor eggs (ed note: you only kinda recommended it after the fact, being the super sweet nice guy that you are). You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting pregnant, let alone having a live baby. We here at BigShotFertilityClinic would not normally let someone like you ruin our statistics. But because you wanted a "last shot" at IVF, I was going to be nice enough to let you do IVF with polar body testing required. The pregnancy rate for polar body normal embryos is 17%, and by the way, don't forget that it will be a cold day in hell before you get a polar body normal embryo.

Obviously, I can not make you do the testing (ed note: really? then how could you "require" it before?), but I can't imagine why you wouldn't want this wealth of information on why your eggs are crap? If you insist on doing IVF with your own eggs, then I will require that you have 5 follicles that will be mature by the time of retrieval as determined by me. I hope you don't feel any pressure here about me cancelling your cycle, but if you agree to this, then you can waste your money on this cycle.

Have a nice day.

Dr. BloSun"

Crapping my big-girl-panties over here.

BS

2009-10-05T21:54:00.010-06:00

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard
-Dixie_Chicks "So_Hard"

First, I want to thank each and everyone of you who have been leaving me comments during this difficult couple of weeks. I really appreciated the comments from NoodleGirl and Niobe who educated me about epigenetics, or the ability of the pregnant mother to turn on certain genes. I have never considered this possibility before. This really does help me let go more of my genes. Also, thanks to all the gals who have struggled with this issue, have made their peace and found happiness in having a child through donor eggs. Thanks as well to the gals who are in a similar situation as me, still struggling with the idea of donor eggs and still in limbo land hell.

Magic and I talked. He wants to try again with my eggs. I can not blame him, and I want to honor that. For me, I kinda feel like I'm fed up with my eggs. But I also realize that if there is any chance to do IVF with my own eggs now is the time and BigShotFertilityClinic has the best stats for my age group.

I am reluctantly agreeing to one more cycle with my eggs, but we still have to get past Dr. BloSun. After requesting 10 days ago for my clinical notes from our follow-up appointment (does it take an act of God here people?), I finally read in writing that Dr. BS is requiring us to do polar body testing if we do IVF with my eggs. For those of you who have never read your clinical notes from your doctor, do it. I always learn something new. For example, the new thing I learned was that Dr. BS is giving us less than 1% chance of a live birth. Neither Magic nor I recall him telling us this in our last appointment with him. I call this "emotional blackmail". It's the donor egg talk without the donor egg talk. It just makes me burn. I mean, really, why not just have the balls to say no, you can't do IVF with your eggs?

I'm so angry that I have to try to convince him out of the polar body testing. I will make my case in an e-mail and send it tomorrow or the next day. Decision time is here. No more waiting. I have nothing to lose, since apparently, he gives me less than 1% chance of having a baby with my own eggs anyway. I'm not doing IVF if polar body testing is required. It will be a lot of heartache for nothing.

So Hard

2009-10-02T00:00:00.002-06:00

Today, Magic and I had our first appointment with a BigShotClinic counselor to talk donor eggs. This is a different counselor than I blogged about before, who I had a good first session with, and then a disastrous second session with Magic. We wondered if we scared her away, which would be a good thing. I since found out that she was courting Em, my acupuncturist, to network for infertility patients for her new private practice. I told Em that I wouldn't recommend her to anyone. Just had to get that rant out.

The new counselor was good, but there is no getting around the fact of how hard this donor egg decision is. She encouraged us to go for a "closure" cycle with my eggs if that is what we needed. I would so love to do this, but I feel like someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness who decides to go for treatment, knowing it is doomed to fail. I don't think I could take a BFN for $20k. I really need to try that hypno_fertility to get out of this mental rut. The counselor gave us homework. I'm supposed to write a letter to let go of my eggs. I'm not ready to break up with my eggs just yet though.

Magic and I came out of our session both exhausted. I came home and proceeded to unravel. I think I am really grieving the loss of my eggs. I don't want to let go of them. It's like when someone you love dies, and you just can't accept that they are gone. This is like a death to me. I can not accept it, not yet.

A gal in my support group that I attended before my FET gave us all a "fertilty angst" CD. I keep playing the song, "So Hard" by the Dixie_Chicks in my head. They wrote this song specifically about their own fertility crisis. This verse really speaks to me:

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

I can't do this by myself. This is so hard.

An Interesting Week

2009-09-28T12:38:00.003-06:00

The day came and passed when I had my opportunity to do my Day 3 testing again. I decided that it really wasn't going to tell me what I needed to know. We really won't know what is going on with me until we commit to IVF with my own eggs and until I go through estrogen priming. I rationalized that I should just save my money, but the other side of me told me I was chickening out. I didn't want to run the risk of my FSH being higher and Dr. BloSun telling me IVF was out with my eggs.

After an informative chat with BigShotClinic's embryologist, we found out that we do have enough frozen sperm to do a cycle with my own eggs and one with donor eggs. Unfortunately, my lottery ticket that I bought did not provide the money to make this a reality. We are back to looking at what we would do if we only had enough money for one cycle. I also found out today that BigShotClinic now has three potential financing options to fund IVF! Back in May, they did not have any options. We'll see what my research on this will reveal and what kind of debt we are willing to take on.

I was sweating out attending my good friend's baby shower this past weekend. I was ok with it, until I found out kids were going to be there. I went because I really wanted to support my friend, who was kind enough to give me an out if I did not want to attend, and because I knew this would not be any ordinary baby shower. The shower was a friggin' romper-room of babies and young children. Every time the door opened with even more babies and toddlers, I wanted to run screaming from the room. I stuck it out because I wanted to observe these parents their children from the many different ways to build a family. There was the single mom with twins from donor sperm via IUI. Another single mom was there with her adopted three year old from Vietnam. There was the best friend who had two young daughters from donor eggs and a husband that had a reverse vasectomy. And then there was my friend at 51 very pregnant with twins from donor eggs. As far as I could tell, they didn't act any differently than the other DIY parents.

I talked at length with the mother of the two daughters from donor eggs. She told me that she thinks about her children not looking like her, but that mostly, she is grateful that she has two healthy children. She said the decision for her to use donor eggs was fairly quick. She and her husband had been trying for a few years on their own after a successful reverse vasectomy. At about my age back then, she was at a place in her life that she could not take on any more stress than life was giving her, and she just wanted something that would work. I wish she had talked about how much she loved her children, but I have noticed that people have a hard time talking about love to strangers in our society, even if it is their kids. They say things like, "I wouldn't have it any other way," or "I'm very grateful."

I was also in a panic on Tuesday night when I realized how tight our money was and how it was going to affect our ability to fund any kind of cycle. I made the decision to quit enlightenment training so that I could use the money I had been spending on that to fund our future cycle. We had a five day retreat starting the next day. I was torn. Part of me has been very angry at the lack of support I have gotten from my enlightenment training around the whole baby making thing, and part of me loved all the wonderful teachings and experiences I have had over the last 10 years. I was very busy on Wednesday morning before the retreat, and did not have a chance to talk with my teacher about it. I decided I would talk to her in person at the retreat at the first break possible. I was prepared to tell her that I couldn't afford enlightenment training anymore and that I was leaving. To my surprise, I found that I did want to stay and that my teacher was going to work with me to be able to afford the retreat. It was probably the first time in a year that I really enjoyed enlightenment training.

The material in the retreat also challenged a lot of what I have been holding on to with using my own eggs. I know that if we make the decision to use donor eggs that I will have to grieve the loss of my own eggs and genetics. I have been able to love my stepsons as they are my own, who have no genetic link to me, so I'm not quite sure why I have had such a hard time with this issue. My husband has been struggling too, but the fact that he is even willing to consider donor eggs is huge. Pride is one of the factors getting in the way. I think that I am doing this and that I can make it happen. I have had that attitude for the past four years. While it served me well, the fact is that I'm 43 now and I may not be able to fight my genetics anymore. I don't want my ego to make us go bankrupt trying to pay for more IVF cycles we can't afford. What I did learn from my last IVF cycle is that it really is all out of our hands what happens.

Magic and I have been having some great discussions about donor eggs and having a child. Because I have been having such a hard time with the idea of donor eggs, I honor his difficult process with it as well. We need to decide soon what we are going to do, in the next two weeks. I have a new list of things to do. I did not forget about the whole polar body testing issue from my last action list, but I will save that for another post.

1) Make an appointment with a therapist to discuss donor eggs with Magic and I.
2) Call family members to find out if they are willing to donate their eggs to us.
3) Follow up on financing options.

I feel great today. I don't know if that is because I am beginning to let go and that I feel that I have viable options for a baby, or that I just am appreciating life for what it is, or that I ovulated and that the hormones from that always make me feel good. For today, I feel great, and I'll take that any day.

Perfect Moment Monday: Rainy Day Inspiration

2009-09-21T12:12:00.005-06:00

I'm a "Perfect Moment Monday" virgin. I usually don't have time to post this kind of frivolous stuff, but I had the most perfect moment this morning, I had to share it.

I woke up to a dark, dreary, cold, rainy day, the kind of day you want to just pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep, especially when you have the AF blues. One of my morning rituals is to peek under the blinds while Magic is still sleeping and look out the window down to my garden. I wish I could have taken a picture of what I saw this morning.

A hummingbird was taking a bath on a collard green leaf that had collected some water from the rain. The collard green leaf was one I had not picked, and was lying parallel to the ground. The little hummingbird was rolling back and forth on the leaf, having a good old time taking it's bath. I had never seen anything like that before. Life is always in fast forward for hummingbirds, so this moments didn't last long before the hummingbird flew off.

With the weather beginning to change, it won't be long before the hummingbirds will fly south for the winter. I worry about them, and hope they can stay warm on this cold, wet day.

You can find the rest of the "Perfect Moment Mondays" over on Lavender Luv's blog.

Thanks everyone for your comments over the last week. It really helps me to stay somewhat sane while making this difficult decision. I finally e-mailed my embryologist this morning to get his take on what our inventory will cover. I have a feeling that we only have one shot left.

Things That Make You Go, "Hmmmm"

2009-09-20T14:23:00.004-06:00

Are the messages I am getting from the Universe, or my fears projected upon the world? Last week, as I felt in my gut that trying one more time with my eggs was the right thing to do, I get behind the bus with the "be an egg donor" add on it. Later in the week, I hear the "be an egg donor at BigShotClinic" ad on the radio. When I am once again thinking about cycling with my eggs as I am driving to work, I see a passenger in a vehicle who is handicapped, probably from birth defects. Part of me thinks the Universe is trying to tell me something, and the other half of me thinks it's just my fears being reflected back to me.

Here is what I do know. I had a fabulous cycle this month, 25 days with a 12 day luteal phase. I rarely have 12 day luteal phases. It has been three months since I started juicing. I cut back when I had the short cycle the one before this, but I can only theorize that the traveling screwed up my ovulation. I have since been trying to still juice twice a day, but I don't get bent out of shape if I don't have time to. Has the juicing helped with my egg quality?

I know it has not helped with my estrogen production. I still get hot flashes, more than I would like to admit. That means my FSH is probably high, but I would expect that at my age. My body is trying to crank out it's own follistim. My body really wants to get pregnant with my own eggs. The problem is if my FSH is high, then the stims won't do much in terms of recruiting more follicles. But do the hot flashes really mean that my egg quality is crap? This I do not know, but it is what the doctors tell you. I think that maybe the estrogen priming protocol will help lower my FSH, though Dr. BloSun did not blow any sunshine on this idea.

After seeing how long this luteal phase lasted for me, I'm all fired up again about trying with my own eggs. I have a few action items I need to take care of first:

1) Checking with the embryologist to see if we have enough of Magic's frozen sperm for both a cycle with my own eggs and one with donor eggs without having to do ICSI. We have already decided that ICSI is not right for us. We would certainly have enough sperm if we did decide to do ICSI, but neither Magic nor I feel good about it after our last fiasco.

2) Convincing Dr. BloSun to let me do a fresh transfer without polar body testing. I have done a little bit of research on polar body testing, though I have been having a hard time finding relavent articles. Basically, the technique was developed for countries that do not allow genetic testing on embryos. The testing methodology has lots of potential for errors, which is why I think the success rate is so low. To me, polar body testing does not make sense if your pregnancy rate is only 20% when transfering normal eggs. I have not found a published journal article anywhere that says that doing polar body testing increases an older woman's chance of pregnancy. Maybe in the case of an older woman having recurrent miscarriages with IVF, but that is not my issue. Maybe Dr. BloSun forgot that the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because Magic has no swimmers, not because we've been trying all this time on our own.

I am so angry that I have to do all this crap, the research, the negotiation, etc, etc. However, I do know that it is imperative. I can not have the attitude that this is what my I'm paying my doctor and embryologist for, because I learned the hard way once already that they do not have the time to care for me in such an intensive way. I have to do my own research and be my own advocate. It just makes me so mad.

Not Dead Yet - Part 3

2009-09-16T10:17:00.004-06:00

I wanted to give the polar body testing issue a post of it's own, in case anyone would have a comment that might help me with it. Because what is to come next is really a much bigger deal and deserves it's own post. It is a much bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Magic said to me the night after our follow-up, "I've been thinking that this is your dream, and I don't want to be the one holding you back. I would consider it." Donor eggs, that is. Yay!!

I was happy that night. I felt like I had choices. We both agree that we would only do donor eggs if I had one of two potential family members agree to donate their eggs to us. I began to see all the advantages of donor eggs:

1) Single embryo transfer. We would reduce the risk of multiples.
2) Greatly reduce the risk of genetic birth defects. We definitely run this risk with my older eggs.
3) Much greater chance of pregnancy and birth.
4) I wouldn't have to stress out over trying to produce eggs.

Logically, everything points to donor eggs.

So why do I have a sinking feeling in my gut?

Suddenly, I'm the one having a problem with donor eggs. My heart is not into it. I feel tremendous grief when I think about giving up on my eggs. I worked hard the last four years to regain and maintain my fertility. I would say it worked, up until the last 10 months. I think the frozen embryo transfer really screwed up my ovaries. Probably getting older doesn't help either.

I have been given the donor egg speech at least three times previously. I would either find another doctor or at least find a doctor who would allow me to cycle with my eggs. I had surgery to remove a pound of fibroids. I fooled all the tests with my Chinese medical treatments. I did get pregnant with my own eggs, but we could not have predicted the very small risk that happened to us because we did IVF/ICSI. You can try to plan for everything, but in the end, you just never know what is going to happen.

In my heart of hearts, I want to try one more time with my eggs. However, reality is not only dictated by what is in our hearts. Reality is always much more complicated. The financial crisis has hit us at home, and we are not in a position financially to do both one cycle with my eggs and a donor egg cycle if my eggs are not up to snuff. Heck, we are not in a position financially even to do one cycle period, but I will find a way to make it happen. I thank all of you who pointed out that less than 5% chance of pregnancy is better than zero percent chance. If there is anyone out there that believes in my eggs enough to donate $20k towards this cycle, then I would try again myself in a heartbeat.

I am not one to give up lightly. I have struggled with this for four years. I know that I am not producing estrogen and progesterone like I did when I was younger, and I am convinced this is the reason why my test results are less than stellar. I wonder if the estrogen priming protocol would be enough to help, though Dr. BloSun doesn't think so. I know how all the statistics work, and I also know how reality works, that is, not usually the way you think it works. I've studied the literature to well know that my test results do not bode well for IVF success. I have tried all the alternative treatments. I am not being negative; I am being realistic. I do not believe that hope and positive thinking alone will get me pregnant. I have been down that road too. Positive thinking is very helpful during IVF, but it is not the deciding factor. If money were no issue, I would take the "wish and a prayer" statistics and go for it.

On the other hand, if I do get pregnant with DE, I don't want to be second guessing my decision. Would I always be looking at my child, knowing that her genetics are not mine? Will I regret not having tried again with my eggs? I tell myself that genetics are not that important to me. I know that if my spirit baby comes, I won't care about the genetics. But it is a little white lie I tell myself. I do care, or at least I feel incredibly sad about giving up on my eggs. I feel like I am giving up on myself. I feel like a failure.

I don't know how to reconcile these feelings. Magic feels much the same way. He is not crazy about donor eggs, but is considering it for me. I am on the fence and feel like I can not move. One minute, I'm convinced that I should go with my heart and try with my eggs. The next, I see that my eggs are doomed and I'm in for donor eggs. Back and forth it goes. It is driving me mad. I can not choose. I now understand how hard this decision is. It is easy when you are looking on the outside at someone else's situation and say with confidence what you would do if you were in their shoes. This is a very personal decision and will not be made lightly.

I've been having a pretty good cycle. It gives me some hope that maybe my eggs are good after all. I know I ovulated, because I have been taking my basal body temperatures and they are up. I'm eight days past ovulation, and no period yet. That's pretty good for me. Last night, I had a hot flash. This surely means that if I do my Day 3 testing with my coming next cycle, my FSH will be elevated. When things like this happen, I do feel like my eggs are doomed. I am incredibly sad, even though I do have another choice. I know in my mind that I will have to grieve the loss of my eggs if we do go with donor eggs, but to experience it in my heart is a whole 'nother thing. It makes me feel hopeless. I don't know what to do.

Not Dead Yet - Part 2

2009-09-13T22:37:00.003-06:00

Dr. BloSun said that he would let us do IVF again on the condition that I would have polar body testing. I remember talking to my previous RE about polar body testing, and they did not do it. He said that the research was not conclusive, and it is another impact to the embryo. I was convinced back then that I never wanted to do polar body testing, but I know that BigShotFertilityClinic is big on it. Apparently, so big on it that they now want me to do it.

A polar body is a cell that is cast off by the egg when it fertilizes. It only gives you information about the egg. Some say that it is not a reliable test since a polar body cell is degenerating. I have also hear that the sperm can help correct problems with the egg. The statistics on polar body testing is that IF you get a normal egg, your chance of pregnancy is 20%. The embryos would be frozen on Day 1. You wait 6 weeks for your results. Then, if I had any normals, they would thaw the 1 day embryos and transfer then on Day 2. Dr. BloSun doesn't think my embryos would make it to Day 3.

I have a lot of issues with the whole polar body testing. It's kinda like "why bother" testing to me. If he really thinks my egg quality is that poor, then why not just transfer the embryos on Day 3 and let the embryos and my body sort it out? Why go to the extra expense and torture waiting 6 weeks for your test results? Why put your embryo through freezing and thawing? Though BigShotClinic says that their vitrification has a 95% thaw success, it's still another impact to the embryo. I don't like the idea of my embryos being messed with any more than they have to. He did mention that some women do not get pregnant with the high amount of stims in their body, but that is not my problem. I got pregnant after a day 5 transfer after being on max stims. If I was going to blast, I would insist on CGH testing, but that's out of the question now. I would really be happy with a Day 3 transfer without polar body testing at this point. Now I need to become an expert on polar body testing before I present my case to Dr. BloSun.

In the parking lot, I talked with Magic. I asked him, "what are you going to let me do?" The statistics we were just given for success with another IVF cycle were grim. At this point, Magic was the one holding me back from donor eggs. This wasn't going to be decided in the parking lot right then and there.

That night when I got home. Magic said to me, "I've been thinking..." I waited. The end of the thought did not come. Finally, I asked, holding my breath, "you've been thinking?" I closed my eyes. I didn't want to hear the bad news. I didn't want to hear that Magic was going to say that he just couldn't do to donor eggs. I didn't push him, because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer...

To be continued...

Not Dead Yet - Part 1

2009-09-10T12:57:00.007-06:00

We finally had our regroup with Dr. BloSunMyCha. The meeting started with, "how can I help you?" Uhhh, did you even look at my Day 2 results from back in June? Do you remember my name?

I know now why I waited almost three months to have our regroup. I knew that the news was not going to be good with my test results, but I wasn't quite prepared for the gloom and doom talk we got. It was the "almost donor egg" speech, but we are allowed to do IVF again with my eggs, with some conditions. It's the conditions I have a hard time with. I will save that for another post.

Let's review my test results from back on June 18th. The ideal will be in parentheses next to my test results.

FSH 15.4 (less than 10)
LH 5.9 (less than FSH)
Estrogen 85.5 (less than 50)
AMH 0.2(>1.0)
Resting follicle count 2 (>10)

The number that bothers me the most is the last number, my resting follicle count. All the numbers were "abnormal" except for the LH. I know that I would not have done IVF that cycle, but Dr. BloSunMyCha is in the camp of doctors that believes you are only as good as your worst FSH. He does not believe my egg quality will get any better. I think that is BS, but the resting follicle count AND the weird symptoms I have been getting the last few months worry me. Dr. BloSunMyCha gave me a less than 5% chance of getting pregnant with IVF. Ugh.

I'm at a point that I really do not know what to do. I asked if I could do my Day 3 testing again for my peace of mind. I want to know if anything I have been doing in the last three months has been making a difference. He warned me that if my FSH goes to 20 or higher, he will not let us do IVF with my own eggs. At that point, I won't want to either. Up to this point, Magic has been adamant that I use my own eggs. I asked him after our appointment, "what will you let me do?" I can't imagine not having children. I can't imagine leaving our spirit baby out there.

I was a little upset after our regroup, but honestly, I had already done much of this grieving and I had to go to work. I had a big project I was working on for today and a big grant application due Friday. It would have to wait until after work until I could get back to processing all this.

Memories

2009-09-01T19:51:00.003-06:00

My Dad finished a memoir recently, which was a pretty cool thing to hand down. I learned some things about his mother that I did not know. I knew that she had a son who died at a young age, only a few months old. He was sick, and she took him to the doctor. She was told he just had a cold, and she was relieved. However, he never woke up that night. What I did not know is that my Grandmother also had a stillbirth girl about a year after that. I felt so sad reading that in my Dad's memoir. I'm sure she did not have the support she needed back then for these terrible tragedies. Eventually, my Grandmother gave birth at age 36 to my uncle. He was 12 years younger than my father, and the prized son after these sad losses.

My other Grandmother was finished having children at age 31. I wonder if she just did not want to have any more children, after basically raising all her seven siblings after her mother died, or she was just not able to have any more children. I learned some interesting things about "Grandma Cookie", as we called her, from my Dad's memoir also. She was engaged to my Grandfather after only knowing him a short time. They also did not speak the same language. He spoke English and she spoke Italian. My Grandfather proposed to my Grandma through both parents. After my Grandma accepted, they were married three weeks later. My Grandfather had to go back to the US soon after, as it was the Depression and he needed to get back to retain his job. My Grandmother ended up taking the boat to America a few months later by herself and three months pregnant. How amazingly gutsy was that of my Grandmother?! I can't even imagine how rough that journey was being pregnant with no airplanes and not speaking English in a new country.

My Dad said of me in his memoir, "Phoebe was born breech, which means that she came out butt first. She has always done things her own way." I don't know if this is a compliment or not. Unfortunately, it does seem to be true in the trying-to-get-knocked-up category. None of my uber-fertile sisters ever had any girly problems. One of my sisters did get pregnant at 40, which was encouraging to me. That was when I was 40-41 and I still had unwavering confidence in my eggs. I hope there is still a happy ending for my memoir when I write it.

Cycles Good & Bad

2009-08-25T13:07:00.005-06:00

The touchiness I wrote about in my last post was what I could only suspect: PMS. I started spotting today on CD19. This is not good. It means that 1) I did not ovulate this cycle or 2) I had a bad egg. My last cycle was 26 days long, which I thought was a hopeful sign that I was turning the tides. My hot flashes had been getting less frequent, but started up again shortly after I returned from my trip, which should have been around the time I would have been ovulating.

I discussed with Em, one of my acupuncturists about my previous voluminous CM. She suggested that I put some warming things in my juice, like ginger. I started doing that and cut back on drinking juice so much, going down to once a day. As I mentioned previously, my CM seemed to have dried up this cycle. I don't understand how it can go from blowing-snot-out-my-vaj-yay to the Sahara desert.

I discussed this all with Dr. F, my other acupuncturist. He thought that maybe I was going through some kind of cleansing, and that my body was expelling mucus that could have been in my girly-parts. He optimistically said it might make me more fertile and was I still trying naturally? I had to remind him that it would be an immaculate conception, after which he apologized for forgetting my history (for the umpteenth time). I personally think that I was on the wrong Chinese herbs this cycle, but I couldn't get in to see him sooner, due to the fact that he cancelled on me twice!! Dr. F prescribes my herbs, and I take one formula between my period and ovulation, and a different formula after ovulation until I have my period again.

The PMS moodiness resulted in a mini-meltdown yesterday morning as I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff I need to do to try to retain/resuscitate my fertility. I'm feeling emotionally a bit better now, and I need to take the reins on getting this figured out. I was by a Chinese medicine apothecary today, and was able to talk to the acupuncturist. He reminded me that fertility issues basically come down to supporting the adrenal glands. I'm not sure if I should just keep working with Dr. F on this or switch to this other acupuncturist. Dr. F has 30 years experience and definitely knows what he is talking about, but I haven't always responded well to the adrenal supplements he has given me. The other guy has had 20 years experience, and a friend of mine who used to see me said that she took a lot of supplements when she saw him, which doesn't really speak to how good he is. I know that my body is very particular about what I take, and Dr. F is generally good about prescribing me herbs and supplements, but he is not perfect. I hate times like these when I don't know what to do, but know that I have to do something.

I have since cut out the ginger in my juice, as it might just be too warming for me, and I went back to juicing twice a day. I do need to get back to paying attention to my adrenal health. I think it is going to be the key to keeping my fertility going for a while longer yet.

I finally got my big-girl-panties on and scheduled a follow-up appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. My body just cringes when I think about any fertility treatments, but resistance is futile. My plan was to get tested again on CD3, but with the short cycle and hot flashes, I don't think that would be a good idea right now. This means that doing IVF is going to be delayed. I was hoping for a November retrieval, but with this short cycle, that would put retrieval right at the full moon, and I know that would be a failure. The full moon and me don't mix. This most likely puts a retrieval right before Christmas. Not ideal, but I can't do anything about it.

I have been trying to prepare myself for the very real fact that this may not work with my own eggs. I'm trying to tell myself that I am ready to move on, but it just isn't working. The last time I talked with Magic about donor eggs, he said "no" again. I am not ready for donor eggs, but I'm not ready to give up yet either. I have less faith in my eggs than I did two years ago. My confidence has been shaken. I'm beyond the whole "I should have gotten married/pregnant when I was younger" thing because it's a moot point. I just hate getting older.

The weird thing is that I'm having the same symptoms I had four years ago, THE SAME SYMPTOMS. The difference is that I had not radically changed my diet yet and I did not start weekly acupuncture. I have done all that (plus a little surgery), and what worked a couple of years ago doesn't seem to be working anymore. I feel that if I could just figure out what to do, I could buy myself some time. That's what I say to myself when I'm feeling optimistic. More often these days, I feel pessimistic. One of the resigning things I have been saying to myself is, "you can't fight your genetics". No one in my family ever got pregnant at my age (not that they were really trying). I hope to write a post soon on some of my family background that was recently revealed to me. It's that vicious cycle of hope and despair all over again.

Birthday Bitch

2009-08-23T21:00:00.009-06:00

Yesterday was one of those days when it was too hot to do anything but sit in front of the TV. The movie "Meet_The_Parents" was on TV. Magic and I got a good laugh and decided that we needed to watch the next in this series, "Meet_the_Fockers", which is even funnier. Who can forget the party scene where they are pointing out all the relatives, like Dom Focker and Ima Focker?! I really wanted to see the scene where Jinxy the cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet. The problem was that I forgot the whole part about the fiance having a surprise pregnancy (have you heard of birth control?), and the rest of the movie involved trying to hide it from her uptight dad. It is amazing what triggers me and that one simple thing was enough to set me off for the rest of the night into the next day. First, I was sad because Jinxy the cat is a dead ringer for the late, great Mr. B, our Himalayan cat who preceded Fluffernutter in passing. I started crying about missing him because I was so in love with him! You had to know Mr. B to understand. He just had that kind of charismatic personality, even though he was a cat. Mr. B's passing always seems to remind me of every other loss we have had since, so I was quickly a mess.

Imagine how I felt today when I opened this belated birthday card:

(inside) "EAT THE BIRTHDAY CAKE
YOU SKINNY BITCH!"

OMG, I laughed my ass off!! Thank you to the blogger who sent me this (you know who you are). I don't think it would take you too long to guess who sent me this, but please don't guess, or I'll have to delete your comment! You totally made my day! The funniest thing about this is that I had just left a comment on Mad Hatter's post about giving up birthday cake on my birthday. The irony of it is that Ms.-Holier-Than-Thou did have Italian chocolate the day before my birthday. Since my BFF had hand carried some over from Eat-aly, who was I to turn it down? The chocolate was the prize for answering trivia questions about our high skool daze. The second best prize was this:

The Popener

I just had to throw that one in for laughs. I guess you would have had to go to an all girls Catholic high skool, or be Catholic to appreciate this one. Thank you for the belated birthday card mystery blogger!!

More Love Needed

2009-08-20T23:44:00.003-06:00

A few of my Fertile Forties friends are in need of your loving words.

The Barren Goddess got some bad news on her embryos. She's waiting for more results on this latest IVF cycle. Please give her a hug and some cheer while you are at it.

Dear Sky has lost her pregnancy. I'm in shock. Her loss has brought me to tears. Please go sit with her as she grieves this incomprehensible loss.

Some days I feel 34. Other days, I feel 43. Right now, I feel 43.

43yrs 3d

2009-08-18T13:08:00.006-06:00

Only 362 more days to go until I am no longer eligible to do IVF with my own eggs at BigShotFertilityClinic. I was telling Magic last week how depressing it was that I was turning 34. Then I caught myself. I have a little dyslexia creep in once in awhile, which is not age related. Then I thought about it. Why couldn't I be 34 for a year? Everyone is always talking about how having a positive outlook can help you get pregnant. Instead of bemoaning the fact that I am now officially 43, I can just pretent I'm 34. I don't feel any older than 34, at least in my mind.

I attended my 25th high school reunion this past weekend as well. This was the first high school reunion I have been to, craftily having avoided all the others. Enough time has passed from teenage angst days that I really wanted to see where everyone was in their lives. Plus, I got to stay with my BFF, someone who I don't see often these days. It is daunting to have a number "25 years" in front of anything at my age, but I would have to say that all my classmates looked great, a little weight gain aside. Some women looked even more beautiful than when we were teenagers. A little over a third of our classmates attended out of a class of 63. I could only deduce that myself and one other did not have our own children, but I did not get a chance to directly ask everyone, though that was one of the standard questions. I was hoping to meet more women who didn't have children. There was only one gal like me who got married later in life who has been trying but no luck yet.

The juicer came with me this time, half way across the country. I found a rolley bag that worked well to pack it in and didn't get hassled too much at airport security about carrying it on. I really wanted to take pictures of my juicer on my trip, in the airport, at the reunion, but I think I would have gotten odd looks from my classmates who haven't seen me in 25 years. The crazy lady with the juicer. I didn't juice as fervently as I do at home, but at least I felt like my whole routine wasn't shot from traveling. I even found my brand of frozen wheatgrass juice at the store. My CM has taken a hike this cycle, and I'm not sure how much the traveling had to do with that. I had fun catching up with my classmates, but me and my juicer are glad to be home. I think I'm good for reunions for another 25 years!

A Brutal Week - Send Love

2009-08-09T21:28:00.004-06:00

It's been a rough week for fellow bloggers on the IF path this week. This may be old news to many, but since I live under a big ol' IF rock, I'm just getting to this. Please take some time to send your love to them. Two gals miscarried this week, Mo and Will and Sprogblogger. When I read Sprogblogger's news on Friday, I just sat numb at my computer screen. This was the last of the truly bad news I had read all week on the IF blogs. Both gals have had multiple miscarriages, so my heart goes out to them.

Please send a big hug over to Nikki who got a BFN on her FET from IVF #5 with two beautifully thawed embryos. Nikki has also been on this path way too long. Kate also got a BFN on IVF #2 converted to IUI. Kate holds a special place in my heart because we are the same age : ) on the same path.

Jill's FET cycle was canceled with a WTF poor lining. She was giving it her all to prepare her body, and then this bombshell.

Finally, please give a shout out to Mrs. LastChanceIVF who has endured drama after drama for her last chance at IVF. Let's be her cheerleaders hoping her retrieval goes off sans the drama on Tuesday! Universe, can we catch a break here this week?

Liberated

2009-08-05T12:30:00.008-06:00

It was the consolation prize to the llama packing trip. We could not convince the teenagers to go more than a few days on a trip, so we bagged the llama packing, much to Magic's chagrin, and decided to take a yoga class at a local retreat center with this gal. It was a really great getaway, but I definitely could have gone longer. Our trip was not quite long enough to de-stress entirely, but long enough to recognize how stressed out I have been.

Our yoga workshop focused on dealing with anxiety and depression. Hmmm, this might be good for dealing with IF treatments, eh? I actually went with an attitude of "I'm not going to learn anything, but it will be a good review". Not that I'm any kind of yogi, by any stretch of the imagination. I actually learned some interesting things. One was that you can have a yoga workshop with 75 people in a large tent outdoors. We froze our asses off the first night at 8000 feet and were roasting the next day. Welcome to the Rockies.

The workshop focused on restorative yoga. I kinda poo-pooed restorative yoga in the past since I wasn't getting much of a workout. I have been so stressed about this "Mission Impossible" IVF that I do need something to de-stress. Working out is important, but so is taking time to relax. I often times feel like I don't have time to relax. Time. It feels like it is constantly slipping away from me as my body parts head south. I know time is an illusion, based on my premonitions of my car accident (how could I have seen it coming?).

The highlight of the trip was this:

This is the Great_Stupa_of_Dharmakhaya which_liberates_upon_seeing. I never got tired of visiting it. We made many hikes up to see the stupa, at least a couple of times a day. It was breathtaking at night. Even the Dalai_Lama has been here, but you don't have to be Buddhist to appreciate the stupa. It was build as a symbol of peace to inspire people from all kinds of backgrounds.

I'm happy to be back to my juicer though. No juice of any kind to be found at the retreat center. I definitely noticed a difference, with less energy by the end of the trip.

I'm on CD25 today! Another slightly longer than normal cycle. Let's see how long this one goes for. I'm guessing AF will be coming tomorrow. Maybe in time for the lunar eclipse?

You Are a Smart Bunch!

2009-07-28T22:10:00.004-06:00

This enhancing your fertility gig is my second job right now. Unfortunately, it does not leave me much time for blogging. My addition of frozen wheatgrass juice and vegetable juices seem to be working. Now, if I just had some time for sleep!

TMI Alert Ahead (You've been warned)!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I am having the most crrraaazy cervical mucus. I shared this with my 51 year old friend, who is currently pregnant with twins from DE. She said, "you mean like the stuff I had back in college?" I said, "yeah, that's the point." I'm completely in awe. It's like back then, when I was in college and I didn't really understand what all this goop was in my underwear. Only now, I feel like I am blowing snot out my va-jay-jay (I did warn you). Em, my acupuncturist, says that you can't have too much cervical mucus. Not a problem right now!

You all were right about the Elk_and_Fairy art work from the card I pulled (see last post). I interpreted it as showing that I have lots of follicles left, and there is one, the big one the fairy is pointing to, that must be "the one". The elk is not my husband. Actually, I thought it was a stag, which is my patronus, another good sign.

It has been hard, staying the course. At first, I was very confident in this new path, but it's a major effort everyday. I question myself constantly. I think of myself as 43, but in reality, I'm still 42!! I really have to work at not letting those negative thoughts get the best of me. The grief started to creep back in as well. Em helped me this last session with communicating with the spirits, including my spirit baby! I didn't know she had it in her. It was very interesting. I also got feedback to trust myself and to continue the juicing! The feedback I got was that it doesn't matter what the number of my age is. The juice is helping to reverse the aging of my cells by preventing oxidation and clearing out free radicals (or something like that). Yes, this was the feedback from Em's spirit helpers. My instincts are right on!

I will request to be retested in September. That will be 90 days since I started the juicing, and about as long since my last lousy test results. If all is well, I want to start the estrogen priming. We'll see if my doctor goes along with my plan. I still have not done a follow up since my test results in June. I figure, what's the rush? I do need to take care of that. One step at a time. Let's hope I can turn the clock back with this crazy juicing obsession of mine.

It's in the Cards

2009-07-23T20:51:00.005-06:00

I use cards as an oracle to get guidance. The deck that I have been using for the last couple of months has been the "Magical_Messages_from_the_Faires". Some of the backstory of how I came to use this deck is here. I recently discovered that Weebles Wobblog's sister, Sheri, who also happens to be an intuitive, does weekly readings on her blog, Wild Women of the Universe, pulling cards from various tarot decks and interpreting them! She did a wonderful reading for me on Wednesday. Go check it out!

Part of my inspiration for juicing was brought on by cards I was pulling from the deck. When asking about what I could do for my health/fertility, I pulled the "Vegetarian" card. I thought, I'm not going to go back to being a vegetarian. I knew that I needed to get more vegetables in my diet. I was already eating as many vegetables as I could cook in a day and was frustrated by trying to figure out how to eat more. The only way I could practically get more vegetables in my diet was to juice them!

I recently used my deck again for this question, "what guidance do you have about my fertility and having a baby at my age?" (or something along those lines)

I drew this card from the deck, "Travel". I didn't get much out of the message, which was

An upcoming trip proves to be life-changing in positive ways.

I was actually disappointed in the card.

What I have learned about this oracle deck is that the words are not always what I should be paying attention to. As I stared at the beautiful artwork, I realized that there was a very profound message for me. Click over to this page to see the image. Do you see what the amazing message is? Please tell me how you interpret the Elk_and_Fairy artwork. I'll follow up with an update on what the message I interpreted was!

Hint: only women who have had frequent ultrasounds on their girly parts will probably pick up on this one.

Feeding the Elephant

2009-07-16T12:45:00.005-06:00

I was serious about my last post. Juicing has taken up all my free time and money. It is amazing how much produce I go through in a week. It's like feeding an elephant!!

This will be a quickie post because my life has been completely taken over by work this week, and I have 10 minutes (better type fast).

After drinking fresh vegetable juice twice a day for a week, I had the best CBC blood test ever. For once, my protein levels were normal instead of elevated. My cholesterol rocked at 154. I've also noticed some other improvements. My cycle was 25 days long! Those of you who have been following my blog know that this is one day longer than my average. I thought this past cycle would be a bust with the hot flashes and high FSH, and surely AF would have come earlier. Also, I had no spotting before my period this time. I still have hot flashes, but not as much or severe as the beginning of my last cycle. The down side is that my period was pretty scant. Ah well, Rome wasn't built in a day!

I've also gotten a lot of questions, like, does you juice taste good? Why yes, it does! Here is one of my favorite recipes:

3-4 kale leaves
4 sprigs of parsley
3 carrots
1/2 apple

Juice the greens first up to 1/4 cup. In general, don't drink more than a 1/4 of greens or anything from the broccoli family, like cabbage, at a time or it could upset your stomach. For me, drinking juice from kale is like drinking a glass of milk. Since I don't do dairy, I have to get my calcium from somewhere! Next, juice the carrots and 1/2 apple up to 1 cup of juice. Add more carrot if you have less than 1 cup. Stir well. Mmmmm!

Also, thanks to Jill for turning me on to frozen wheatgrass juice. I found a brand called Evergreen Juices that is carried at my local health food store. The taste is much better because this wheatgrass is grown outside for a longer period of time than inside for short periods of time in trays that can have problems with mold. It's like drinking lawn clippings, which to me tastes better than icky sweet fresh wheatgrass grown in trays. I have a lot more energy since combining both juices, sometimes too much energy!!

Gone Juicing

2009-07-09T22:40:00.003-06:00

Now that I'm on a two glass a day juice habit, my little free time has been sucked up by prepping veggies and cleaning up. I did invest in a new juicer because my cheapy one was so loud, it was waking everyone in the house up in the morning. I was about to have a riot on my hands. I can now juice to my heart's content in the morning without any of the sleeping beauties slamming doors in irritation.

I have to say that something seems to be working with the juice. I know it's going to take awhile to really see a difference, but my whole attitude has changed from doom-n-gloom to "failure is not an option". I just have a feeling that this is going to plump up my wilting ovaries. I wake up feeling happy instead of anxious or depressed. Today is day 23 of my cycle and I have not gotten my period with narry a spotting in site. I've been high-fivin' my ovaries all day. You see, my last two cycles have been a whoopin' 22 days long. "Normal" for me is 21-24 days. It's been that way all my life. With my crappy Day 2 results this cycle and hot flashes, I just assumed this would be an anovulatory cycle and I'd get AF by day 19 (it's happened before, though rarely).

A few days after juicemania started, I decided to get a shot of wheatgrass at Whole ~~Foods~~ Paycheck. Even though I sipped it, I thought I was going to hurl afterward. Wheatgrass is the most veilest of juices. This stuff is good for you? I even tried mixing it in my veggie juice at home and I couldn't finish it. A dab will do you. I read in Julia_Indichova's book that she drank it because she read somewhere that it improved the fertility of cows. Well, since cows eat grass, I can see how they would do well on wheatgrass. Now I know why my cats always puked up the grass they ate. Although I feel bloated like a cow sometimes, I don't have four stomachs. Nevertheless, I will start adding wheatgrass to my juices in small quantities because it's supposed to be so great for you. No more shots for me. It's like drinking a strong shot of pure stevia - ick.

I fear that if this juicing really works, I'm going to become a fanatic, like this spoof Jim Carey did of Jay the Juiceman:

The Reading #2

2009-07-02T22:22:00.006-06:00

The day after our BFN, I called Walter. I needed to know what happened with our spirit baby. I needed to know if she left. I needed to know what I did wrong. It's been almost three months, and we finally had our reading.

Our spirit baby is still with us, but she has been laying low. She is grieving too. Walter said that all of my feelings of sadness may not be my own. Sometimes, she is hanging off our necks and crying. Unfortunately, he did not get much information from her about why she did not come. From the answers to the questions I asked, I got the impression that it didn't have anything to do with Magic or I.

At first, I felt happy after the reading because at least she is still around. But I also feel hopeless, which makes me feel incredibly sad. The reading made me feel as if there is nothing I can do at this point. Alternatively, I feel I have so much to do and I fear that if I put that much energy into it again, I'll just end up heartbroken once more. I worry that she will not believe me when I tell her that I love her and that I really want her to come. All I can do is try to move through the grief and depression. I also have to try to keep my fertility up for a few more months, a feat that is not easy at my age, especially when you feel the situation is hopeless. The reading confirmed that the grief and depression are not doing anything for my fertility, which I already knew. We can not rush this. The earliest we will try again is fall, if that is still an option for us.

Choosing Life

2009-06-22T22:20:00.002-06:00

This has been my motto since Friday, "chose life". What point would it be to go around moping about my bad statistics? What spirit baby is going to want to come into my life if I just think about offing it because I can't get pregnant. What illusion am I buying into? No matter what, I am going to chose life.

Friday morning after the bad news, I didn't feel like eating. I went into the basement and dug out my juicer. I grabbed whatever vegetables I had in the frig and juiced up a big glass of veggie juice. I also got so mad that none of the "Sea of Supplements" helped me, that I took a supplement holiday. And you know what? I feel great. The juice really seems to be helping me. I've been juicing now twice a day since Friday. I can't eat enough vegetables in the day, so this makes sense to me to get more veggies in liquid form. My body likes it.

The real reason I started juicing is because somewhere in the back of my head, I remembered Julia_Indichova's book "Inconceivable" and how she started sucking down the juice to get pregnant with her high FSH. I actually went to one of Julia's workshops between IVF #1 and IVF #2. While I think she is a bit dramatic and very opinionated about IVF (did you miss the part where I said we had no choice because my husband had a vasectomy?!), I like her basic message that is to be your own authority. I pulled out her second book again, "The_Fertile_Female; How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World". It's a tall order, but I want to see just how far this longing will take me. I put all my confidence in my acupuncturists, and I didn't listen to my body. I didn't pay attention to all the stress I had been under with Fluffernutter passing away. Grief is so physically exhausting. I had my schedule, and I was sticking to it. Death is so inconvenient.

In a way, I am glad I got the bad news. It was a wake up call. I don't know if I can turn the tide of time against me anymore. I did pull it off for awhile, though I have not given up yet. Sure, I spent a day wallowing in self pity, but I needed a swift kick in the pants to wake up. This is not going to be easy at age 42 and I'll probably be 43 by the time I do IVF again (if they let me). I have to up the ante. I also have to listen to pay attention to myself better and try try try to get out of my head. Giving grief its space wasn't in the plan, but I see that I should have respected that. Another hard lesson learned. I hope to post more soon about my recent overhaul.

More Craptacular News

2009-06-18T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'm in shock. I had my Day 2 testing done today at BigShotFertilityClinic. I thought all the acupuncture and herbs I've done over the past couple of months would have helped improve my numbers. They have gotten much worse. I'm crushed.

Resting Follicles: 2
FSH: 15
E2: 85
AMH: TBA

I don't know what to say. I knew this was a possibility, but I had hope after my last testing I had done. Dang, I should have had my Day 3 testing done back then, but would it have just given me false hope?

I had acupuncture last night, and I had hoped that would help me. Now, I wonder if it made it worse. I had bad hot flashes last night. I thought, "maybe I should wait another day", but then I rationalized that maybe the hot flashes just meant that my estrogen was low. That was stupid magical thinking. I was impatient.

I discussed this with Em, my acupuncturist. She didn't think my results would have been radically different a day later. We'll see if I have any hot flashes tonight. She thinks it's normal at my age for FSH and resting follicles to fluctuate. So do I, but BigShotFertilityClinic does not. I've discussed this before. She is encouraging me to work with an out of state clinic that specializes in high FSH and basically does not do an IVF cycle until your FSH is low. I would prefer to do that with BigShotFertilityClinic. I checked this other clinic for their stats, and their numbers suck for my age group. BigShotFertilityClinic still has the best stats for my age group, even though that number is still pretty low. I suppose I'll have a WTF appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. My plan to impress him has been shot down in flames, so we'll see what he has to say. I think I can predict what he has to say. I'm going to bring in my last lab results and see what he thinks.

To say that I am bummed out is an understatement.

Psycho PMS Bitch meets Grief Beast

2009-06-15T21:09:00.005-06:00

The uncontrollable crying started yesterday. The tip off I had that this was PMS related was that I had the same thing happen last month; the sobbing while not really sure where it was coming from - from nowhere and everything at once. The other tip off was that I started spotting this morning. Why is it that PMS magnifies any sad feelings you are having a hundred times?

I was doing laundry today, and it reminded me of Fluffernutter. What cat doesn't like sleeping in the dirty laundry? That made me cry. I cried again for those who never were and were lost. With every new loss, the past losses feel as if they are happening fresh all over again.

I asked Magic to make dinner tonight. I smell something burning from downstairs and come up to see the kitchen filled with smoke. He left to go to his office and thought I would somehow magically intuit that I need to watch the soup. I was in such a rage. It was a good thing neither he nor Fluff were here. Screaming like that really does not make me feel better. It makes me feel psychotic and gives me a sore throat.

I can bear this knowing that it is transitory and will only last a day, the PMS that is. I wish there was an antidepressant I could take for a day or two only for PMS. Should I have known that if I suffer severe and sometimes suicidal mood swings during PMS that I would have pre-natal suicidal depression? Not even the neurotransmitter precursors I am taking as a supplement help with this type of hormone crash. I suppose I should be happy that I have any hormones to crash. I'm hoping that is the silver lining in all of this.

I had a couple of disturbing dreams the other night. I dreamt that Fluff was alive and healthy. I said to Magic in the dream, "how is this possible? She was dead?!" He said, "I need to give you and explanation." My mind was frantic, thinking, "did I take her to be cremated and she was actually still alive??!" I never got an answer, as that was where the dream ended. The next dream was about a cat who had markings like Fluff, but was not as fluffy. She came to me, as many of my cats do, and had a long stitched up scar along her body. She was someone else's cat, because she had a collar with tags on, but I didn't want to know who she belonged to. I wanted to keep her. Grief has a funny way of working its way out in your dreams.

I've had moments of feeling exhausted over the past couple of days. It's that monster, grief again. When I let the exhaustion really overcome me, the tears soon follow. I know grief is crushing me and I need to let it out. I guess I haven't really let it sink in how much of a hole in my heart has been exposed by Fluffernutter's passing. My super-ego says, "she was just a cat, get over it." I come home and look for her, but she's not here. She's not in the laundry. She's not anywhere. I can't even hold onto her in my dreams.

This is like some modern day horror movie, Psycho PMS Bitch meet Grief Beast. I wish it were entertaining like the cheesey Godzilla meets King Kong. I wish it was a movie, but it's all too real. All I can do is hold on and hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm still waiting to be happy again, someday.

Fluff the Magic Kitty

2009-06-10T20:01:00.021-06:00

I've been in a funk since Monday. I'm no longer interested in having children.

This may have something to do with the fact that our geriatric cat, Fluffernutter, went to kitty heaven yesterday. Last week, we made the difficult decision to stop giving her subcutaneous fluids when we saw that they were not helping much anymore and just prolonging the inevitable. She hung on for a week.

In March, I think I predicted that she had three to six months to live. Last year, I worried that she would die after our loss. Not only did she stick around, but just after her 19th birthday in July, she became sweeter than ever. She did something that was so characteristically un-Fluff. She started sleeping with us in bed. She would jump on the bed as we were brushing our teeth, meowing for us to hurry up so she could dive under the covers with us. We wondered who swapped our kitty while we weren't looking, but she still looked like Fluffernutter.

You have to understand that Fluffernutter was one of those neurotic pure breed cats who would beg for pets, then run away when you tried to give them to her. The fact that she would come to you for attention was a real shocker. When I met her, she was just this white blur you saw when she was running away. She also lived in the shadow of her younger brother's big personality, aka Mister B. Mr. B was always shoving Fluff out of the way when it came to giving out pets, eating her food, and taking his pissy moods out on her. Mr. B was dumb as a box, and Fluff was the smart but silent type. They were inseparable.

Fluffernutter and Mr. B, aka Frick 'n Frack,

in fluffier days

When Magic was a bachelor before we married, he left out dry food for his cats 24/7. I told him this wasn't good for cats, but he felt guilty denying them. Mr. B ended up with diabetes, and Magic finally let me teach him how to make a raw food for them. Mr. B needed less insulin with the new diet, living another 4.5 years after being on the brink of death, and Fluffernutter became not so nutter. Loud sucking noises could be heard whenever she was eating, she loved the new food so much. Suddenly, she became a much more personable and sweet kitty. When Mr. B passed two years ago, I think Fluff finally came into her own now that she was the only cat in the house.

I worried that Fluff would die right after our FET failed. She was the one that spent the most time with me through two bed rests. She held on while I grieved for two months post-FET failure. I am grateful that she lived until now because I don't think I would have been able to deal with her loss any sooner.

I started singing this song (below) this past weekend. Fluff stopped eating about last Thursday. She joined me on her own last Saturday while I was gardening. I took this picture of her enjoying her last day outside. I couldn't believe that she had the energy to make it all the way outside and back inside again. She was the amazing magic kitty who we were beginning to wonder if she would ever die.

It all fell apart on Monday, Fluff's body. This is the day I thought I do not want to have children. Running a kitty hospice was more exhausting than I thought. I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. Tuesday, our vet was able to help her go to kitty heaven while still laying in her favorite spot on our bed.

Goodbye Fluff, we'll miss you (*sniff*)!

(sung to Puff_the_Magic_Dragon)

Fluff the magic kitty lived in our house,
She was so sweet and very meek, and couldn't catch a mouse!
Little Phoebe Phoenix loved that rascal Fluff,
And brought her strings and cat toy things and other fancy stuff. ohhh

Fluff the magic kitty, she was our friend,
She fought to live, though really sick, up to the bitter end!
Magic and his sons loved that crazy Fluff,
And gave her pets and kisses wet, and other lovey stuff!

A Sea of Supplements

2009-06-07T22:30:00.006-06:00

When you are 42, almost 43, you know it's not going to be easy to get pregnant on your own, never mind the fact that DH has no swimmers, except for those under deep freeze. While I was going through my FET, I thought, "well at least I don't have to worry about egg quality!" I wasn't as careful about what I ate. It was kind of nice not to freak out about having chocolate or a beer (gluten free, of course) once in awhile without worrying, "OMG! This is going to affect my egg quality!! I'll never be a mother!" Oh yes, I can't tell you how many times I've had this internal chastising with myself.

I'm back to the optimizing egg quality campaign, which I have dubbed "Mission Impossible" IVF. Let's just call it MIIVF (is that pronounced miffed?!) for short. You know how it goes - the darning impossible chase/escape scenes, but the good guy always wins, right? That's pretty much how it goes in my MIIVF fantasy too.

My campaign involves forking out a lot of money for acupuncture and supplements, but in reality, it's all a lot cheaper than IVF. I have acupuncture once a week. I will start acupuncture twice a week at least 4 weeks before egg retrieval.

In this post, I will just discuss the supplements I am taking, and what I think they are doing or supposed to be doing. Keep in mind that this is constantly a work in progress. I work with my health care providers on what I am taking, which is mainly my two acupuncturists at this point. I also do my own research and get approval from my acupuncturists before I add something else into the already complicated mix.

Supplements Specifically for improving Egg Quality
Pregnenolone 30mg twice a day
L-arginine 2g
Gamma Linoleic Acid (GLAs), roughly 2g
Proanthocyaniadins in the form of Grape Seed, standarized to 109 mg; once a day
CoQ-10 90mg daily

Chinese Herbs:
Liu Wei Di Huang Wan for nourishing Kidney Yin before ovulation
Jia Wei Xiao Yao Wan after ovulation

I discussed in this post about the reason I take pregnenolone, which is a precursor to DHEA, and not DHEA itself. I go into a big long discussion about why DHEA doesn't work for me, mainly because of it's affect on my heart and how it makes me feel like I'm going to die. If you have already read the post, I edited it because I discovered that part of it got deleted in some weird code error, so you may want to re-read it. Pregnenolone can have similar side effects as DHEA, but they don't seem to be as severe in my experience. I think you basically take as much pregnenolone or DHEA as you can tolerate to improve egg quality, and that is different for every woman. Not everyone can tolerate 75mg of DHEA twice a day, which is what was recommended to me by my RE at BigShotFertilityClinic. DHEA is not harmless, and here is one study in which it proved harmful. My adrenal gland health also seems to be improved, as I am no longer taking the adrenal gland supplement (Iso_Cort) and I have lowered my dose of pregnenolone. I could tell I was taking too much when I felt as if I was on caffeine high, which I never drink, and also means I felt like crap.

I could write a whole post just on L-arginine. There were two studies done on L-arginine and IVF, one in 1999 and one in 2003 by similar authors. The studies are essentially the same, with the difference of the first one having a mean age of 40 for the IVF participants and the second study having a mean age of 33. The first study showed success in using a whopping 16 GRAMS of L-arginine on number of eggs retrieved, number of day 5 embryos, and pregnancy rates. The second study also used the insane dose of 16 GRAMS of L-arginine, but the IVF protocol was different. The results were almost opposite as the first study, and the authors concluded that L-arginine might be detrimental to IVF outcomes. L-arginine is precursor to human growth hormone, so you will see it in formulas for body builders. The idea for older women and poor responders is that human growth hormone will help with egg quality, hence the reason HGH (Sai.zen) is used in some protocols for IVF. The problem with JUST studying L-arginine is that a drug model is applied to a nutritional building block that has synergistic effects with other substances. Meaning that just giving L-arginine alone might not help, but including other nutritional factors may increase the absorption and effectiveness of L-arginine. So, I would say the jury is out on this one. It does seem that the research on L-arginine and IVF has come to a screeching halt, which is a shame. Other studies are done with L-arginine to help with circulation and heart issues, which I am speculating may help with blood flow to the ovaries and uterus.

My acupuncturist recommended that I take evening primrose oil to increase my AMH. I have not figured out what the difference is between evening primrose oil and borage oil in terms of effectiveness. Randine_Lewis seems to think that evening primrose oil is better, but borage oil has more Gamma Linoleinc Acid, which is the main active ingredient in evening primrose oil. For now, I am focusing on taking a flax oil/borage oil combo. I try to take 4 Tablespoons a day, spaced throughout the day. It definitely affects my, uh, bowel movements, hence the reason I don't chug it all at once, not like I could stomach that anyways. I did discover a bulk omega oil product, Barlean's_Total_Omega_Vegan_Swirl, that has lots of GLAs and is flavored to taste like a smoothie. The whole family has discovered it, and I have to beat off my DH and stepsons now from sucking it all down at once, it's that good. I might also add in some evening primrose oil to cover all my bases.

The proanthocyaniadins (also called pycnogenol or OPCs) and the CoQ-10 are also recommended by Randine_Lewis to improve egg quality for older women. These are both supposed to help with circulation, again, with the idea of improving blood flow to the ovaries and uterus. They also help with free radical damage. Here's what Randine has to say about it:

"One of the hallmarks of aging is damage to mitochondrial DNA caused by oxygen metabolism and the presence of free radicals in the system. This damage has also been shown to contribute to age-related decline in egg quality. A way to improve cellular function is to supplement your diet with enzymes like Co Q-10. Antioxidants (vitamins C, E, A, zinc, and selenium) and superantioxidants (pycogenol) also help prevent free-radical damage to cell mitrochondria."

They also have the side effect of lowering my blood pressure. I went to my GP the other day, and my blood pressure was 104/60! The dose on both is 100mg a day. With the proanthocyaniadins, you want to make sure you are getting 100mg of this standarized ingredient, and not just 100mg of grape seed or whatever the ingredient is.

The Chinese herbs I take are for Kidney Yin deficiency with Liver stagnation. If you don't have the same Chinese medicine diagnosis as me, don't take these herbs!! I never recommend self-prescribing on Chinese herbs anyway. Always have an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility prescribe your Chinese herbs!

Supplements for Mental Health
Zinc 20 mg
Neuro_Replete
Fish oil/EPA-DHA

Again, I could write a whole 'nother post about the supplements I'm taking for my mental health. Why am I taking supplements for my mental health? Well, we all know how uplifting and calming infertility treatments are. This will just be a summary post on another complicated issue.

I found an interesting article last year on mental health supplement research. I thought it was going to be another recommendation to take fish oil, but it wasn't. Go over an read the article when you have time. It's a fascinating read. William_Walsh (PhD) was doing research on convicts to try to understand how chemical imbalances and nutritional deficiencies or toxicities were affecting their mental health. Here is an excerpt from the interview with him:

"We’ve found that nearly all women with a history of postpartum depression have a tendency for very high copper levels in their blood. It is especially problematic for women, because estrogen and copper are proportionately related."

When I read this, all sorts of bells and whistles started going off. I had the same symptoms of postpartum depression, except I had it while pregnant. Was there a solution in here for me?

Awhile back, I had some hair testing done for metals. I was mainly concerned about toxic mercury levels, which I seemed to be ok. I had all my mercury fillings removed before I did IVF to improve egg quality. The problem with removing mercury fillings is that you can mobilize a lot of mercury in the process, but I did it with a dentist who specializes in mercury amalgam removal. Still, I'm sure I got more exposure to mercury at the time. I did some mild chelation with chlorella, but nothing more. Mercury toxicity can cause mental illnesses, but my hair analysis didn't indicate that I have a mercury toxicity problem. My copper levels were also tested, and they seemed to be ok. However, my Zinc/Copper ratio was abnormal. I was basically deficient in zinc, which could mean I have too much copper in my system. William_Walsh says this about treating excess copper in the interview:

"By normalizing a protein that removes excess copper from the body. We slowly, gradually introduce the nutrients that stimulate the synthesis and the functioning of that protein. People who are high in copper invariably are zinc deficient as well, so we also slowly and gradually normalize their zinc levels. Then the protein begins to function and, in most cases, the copper levels return to normal. It’s about a two-month procedure for most people. If we did it very suddenly, and we gave them high doses of everything, the excess copper would be dumped from tissues and the blood levels would go even higher. You could see a decline in health before the patient got better, as all the excess copper is exiting the body. So you have to be somewhat careful with overloads."

My zinc deficiency was confirmed by the hair analysis testing and muscle testing with my chiropractor.

I recently started taking the supplement Neuro_Replete at the recommendation of Dr. F. Last year, I was on the antidepressant Well_butrin for about four months. I was on the verge of looking to take another antidepressant after our FET failed, but Dr. F put me on this stuff. I was skeptical in taking it because of the amount of 5-HTP in it. I had taken 5-HTP before to help me sleep. It is a precursor to seratonin and seratonin helps you sleep. If you take too much, you can end up with seratonin syndrome, which manifests in disturbing dreams/nightmares. The Neuro_Replete website has lots of fascinating information on neurotransmitters, their precursors, and how antidepressants eventually deplete your neurotransmitter levels. For example, I learned that just taking 5-HTP alone will deplete your dopamine levels. The Neuro_Replete has a blend of neurotransmitter precursors. It works on a synergystic level, and not just adding in one precursor or supplement, similar to as how I described the L-arginine example above. I've been sleeping better and feeling more calm since taking the Neuro_Replete.

Other Stuff I take for General Health
Multivitamin without iodine and iron
Iron supplement, since my multi doesn't have it
Vitamin E, mixed tocopherols, 1000 mg daily
Vitamin D, 5000iu daily
Calcium for osteopenia, 1200 mg daily
additional Magnesium, 300 mg at bedtime for my heart, muscles, and to help me sleep
Probiotics for my sensitive digestive system

The multivitamin is a double edged sword. I found one without iodine. I don't take any iodine and I try not to get extra in my diet. None of the salt in my house has iodine anymore. I tend towards hyperthyroidism, and iodine seems to exacerbate it. The multi also has copper in it. I could take a multi without copper, but then it would have iodine. I can't win.

Whew, I think I covered it all! Now I think it's time for me to go choke down another another pill. I'd love to share notes about what you are taking, or not taking, to improve your egg quality and chances at IVF.

Late Night Baby Food Runs

2009-06-03T22:02:00.003-06:00

I've been buying baby food recently at the store. The first time I did it, I felt weird. No babies have been dropped off at my doorstep. It's for Fluffernutter, my cat. Fluff is at the end of her 9th and a half life. She is nearing 20 years old, but I fear she will not make her next birthday. It's been a challenge to figure out what she will eat anymore. At first, the baby food idea worked great. Now, about the only thing she will eat is canned tuna.

We've been playing geriatric cat games, like "find the cat pee", which I usually discover by stepping in it. She's gotten so weak that her back legs don't work very well anymore. I justify her peeing on the floor because it must be hard to get in and out of the litter box, but then I catch her nimbly navigating the box. Other days, she gets everything but one back leg in the litter box and ends up launching her pee off the back of the box onto the floor. One day, she didn't even bother with the back legs - just put her front legs in the litter box and started peeing. Luckily, that one of the four litter boxes she has to choose from in the house has a tray under it that catches the errant pee.

She has deteriorated to the point that we have made the difficult decision to stop giving her subcutaneous fluids and let nature take it's course. I think we have been doing this for three years. I've made friends with 22 gauge needles in that time. When it came time to do PIO shots myself, I figured if my 6 pound cat can handle it, so can I.

Fluffernutter has a great will to live. She's trying to make her failing kidneys work, but her parts have worn out. I'm just trying to keep her comfortable right now, poor thing.

Show & Tell: Purple Gorilla

2009-05-31T06:43:00.010-06:00

This week's Show and Tell will be a little different. I came upon this poem from Beautiful Mess. She posted about it awhile ago, but I never really appreciated her blog until I read her post about her blogoversary. She wrote about how she never expected her blog to be about grief and her mom dying, but that's what ended up happening. I wanted to skip over my blogoversary, which was last Sunday, because I didn't want to dwell on how much pain and grief I had written about over the last year. When I read Beautiful Mess' post, I was glad that someone else was writing about grief too. I didn't feel so alone. I, too, never thought I would write so much about trauma and grief this last year. Heck, I didn't even really know what trauma was, and I never really had to face grief the way I've faced it in the last year and last couple of months.

Beautiful Mess e-mailed me this poem, so I'd like to share it with you too. I cried when I read this.

Grief
by Matthew Dickman May 5, 2008

When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla

you must count yourself lucky.

You must offer her what’s left

of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish

you must put aside,

and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,

her eyes moving from the clock

to the television and back again.

I am not afraid. She has been here before

and now I can recognize her gait

as she approaches the house.

Some nights, when I know she’s coming,

I unlock the door, lie down on my back,

and count her steps

from the street to the porch.

Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,

tells me to write down

everyone I have ever known,

and we separate them between the living and the dead

so she can pick each name at random.

I play her favorite Willie Nelson album

because she misses Texas

but I don’t ask why.

She hums a little,

the way my brother does when he gardens.

We sit for an hour

while she tells me how unreasonable I’ve been,

crying in the checkout line,

refusing to eat, refusing to shower,

all the smoking and all the drinking.

Eventually she puts one of her heavy

purple arms around me, leans

her head against mine,

and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.

So I tell her,

things are feeling romantic.

She pulls another name, this time

from the dead,

and turns to me in that way that parents do

so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.

Romantic? she says,

reading the name out loud, slowly,

so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel

wrapping around the bones like new muscle,

the sound of that person’s body

and how reckless it is,

how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

My purple gorilla came to me again Friday night. I was thinking about all the physical things I am doing to get ready for another "mission impossible" IVF cycle. The one thing I haven't been doing is communicating with my spirit baby. I haven't talked here lately about it, because I cry everytime I think about it. I don't want to talk to my spirit baby, because I am afraid. I am afraid of being heartbroken again. The truth is, I'm so sad she didn't come. It's not a guilt trip on her or anything. It's how I feel. I fell in love with her. It's like she died.

When I went to the "Gifts of Grief" movie a couple of weeks ago, I talked about how I didn't think there was anything good about grief. The moviemaker asked me, "who died?" I was dumbstruck. How do you talk about someone dying who never existed? I just said, "it's complicated." I didn't think the moviemaker, or anyone else in the audience, would understand. She experienced the grief of losing her father whom she was very close to. I didn't understand my grief at losing someone I didn't even know. I found that part of me was embarrassed and ashamed.

I checked out a book from my library about grief. Although I had heard this before, it really stuck me when I read the words on the page:

"...love and grief are inextricably intertwined - to love is always to open oneself to the grief of loss"

I loved my spirit baby. She may still be around, but I don't know. I know she has been with me a long time. Years, I think. I've been too afraid to reach out to her. If she's really gone, well, I can't really go there right now. A part of me hopes, but the grief, it still comes like the purple gorilla.

AMH and Adrenals

2009-05-27T19:58:00.013-06:00

Ed note 5/30/09: I discovered that I mysteriously lost part of my post, so I added it back in. If you read this post before this date, you might want to read the beginning again.

Tomorrow will be day 3 of my cycle. I know it seems like yesterday when I posted on my day 3 results, but since I have the world's shortest luteal phase (a whopping 7 days this time), day 3 has come around again. I will be waiting one more cycle to do my official day 3 testing at BigShotFertilityClinic. You see, I've been holding out on you. I did have my AMH tested after all, and let me tell you, it was grim. BigShotFertilityClinic likes to see a level above 0.6, and I think that is even kinda borderline. Mine was 0.1. At least I didn't get back a result of less than 0.1, so I guess it could have been worse. AMH is used to predict resting follicle levels and sometimes IVF success. The predictive use of AMH for IVF is fairly new. Basically, what this means is that my ovaries need some serious resuscitation! Skip the CPR, and fire up the electro-shock pads!

I immediately consulted Dr. Google when I got the bad news. I wanted to know if the AMH number could change with Chinese medicine and acupuncture. I did find some information that it can change, and that women with low AMH do get pregnant! My acupuncturist EM wants to increase my kidney yin, and thereby AMH, by taking more evening primrose oil. In Chinese medicine, when they talk about an organ, like kidney or spleen or liver, they don't necessarily mean the actual organ. For example, a kidney deficiency, either kidney yin or kidney yang deficiency, usually refers to one's fertility. It can also refer to adrenal function, and the adrenal glands sit on top of the kidneys. I was comforted when EM said, "we treat the patient, not the number."

Part of my strategy of improving my fertility was to have my adrenal glands checked. I have a friend who finally had success getting pregnant at age 42 with her own eggs after battling infertility for seven years. She had one failed IVF with her own eggs and one failed IVF with donor eggs. She never gave up and kept looking for answers. Her success came when she was treated for her adrenals and sub-clinical hypothyroidism. Her thyroid numbers were normal, but she had all the symptoms of hypothyroidism. She gave birth to her daughter at age 43.

I did a test with Dr. F, my other acupuncturist, to test my "Adrenal Stress Index" through Diagnos_Techs lab. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. The good news is that I have a mild case of it, so it will be fairly easy to treat. I dusted off my copy of "Adrenal_Fatigue, The_21st Century Stress Syndrome" by James_Wilson. It had some interesting things to say about taking DHEA and pregnenolone for adrenal fatigue:

"It is my clinical experience that women often do not do well on DHEA unless their adrenals are very fatigued. Levels as low as 10-25 mg have produced symptoms of excess DHEA, such as facial hair and acne. A safer and more successful way of raising DHEA levels in women is to have them take either progesterone or pregnenolone, although some studies of women with chronic fatigue syndrome or lupus have found benefit from using 200 mg of DHEA/day."

I have problems with taking DHEA. It raises my testosterone levels and gives me heart palpatations. I already have high testosterone, as expressed by my "sexy"_Lauren_Bacall voice, and I certainly don't need anymore! I take pregnenolone instead, about 60 mg a day, though I'm experimenting with taking up to 120 mg per day. When I have taken DHEA, I can only tolerate 5 mg a day, and only for about 5 or 6 weeks, before I have to switch back to pregnenolone. BigShotFertilityClinic recommends 75 mg of DHEA twice a day to improve egg quality. I would drop dead if I took this dose, or start growing a beard, neither of which appeals to me. I respond much better to the pregnenolone.

"Progesterone and pregnenolone are hormones that are manufacutred in the adrenal cascade as well as in the ovaries and testicles before they are metabolized into DHEA. Both can be converted into several other adrenal hormones besides DHEA, including the sex hormones, aldosterone and cortisol. Thus, taking replacement hormones like pregnenolone and progesterone that occur early in the adrenal cascade lets your body's wisdom choose which other hormones it will make from them, according to your body's needs. With adrenal fatigue, the sex hormone levels often fall because your adrenal glands are not able to manufacture adequate levels of hormones."

Pregnenolone is a precursor to DHEA, as you can see in the flow chart below. Pregnenolone is also a precursor to other hormones, and that's why it's safer than DHEA. Your body can determine where you need it the most. Maybe your adrenal glands have to heal before you can produce more of the sex hormones. We all know how stressful infertility can be!

I am also taking a cortisol supplement called Iso_Cort, though I have already had to cut back on that after taking it for a couple of weeks as I'm starting to get symptoms that I am getting too much cortisol, such as rapid heartbeat and anxiety.

Another strategy for me to improve my adrenal health is to go to bed by 10:00pm. This is very hard for me, and I have had to set limits on my internet use at night. In fact, I am already past my "internet bedtime"! Couple this with my busy schedule at work, and I've been a pretty lame commenter this week for ICLW. I will post more about the other supplements I have been taking to improve egg quality and to improve my mental health.

Show & Tell: Fire it Up!

2009-05-24T12:16:00.006-06:00

I always love metaphors of transformation into something beautiful after going through fire. It's the theme of this blog, if you haven't noticed.

A while back, I was inspired by Lori's pottery pals, and did my own creation. Never having done this before, I didn't know what I was getting into when I chose a pasta bowl. I've always loved colorful pasta bowls, so I thought I would paint one for myself. Little did I know that it would take me three days to do this!! Since you have to coat everything two or three times, it takes a long time to finish a big piece with lots of colors, like I did.

Before firing.

By the last day, I wanted to join the family at the table that brought their own Margaritas!

The wait was worth it.

After firing.

Edge detail.

The sunflowers look like a third grader did them. I traced them from a photo of a real sunflower. Otherwise, I don't have any drawing talent. But I really like how the edge turned out!

This bowl was a nice distraction for me during my FET cycle. I left it on the island in my kitchen, and it's bright colors distracted me from potential trauma triggers. During the doldrums of winter, it was nice to have a splash of color around the house. It has yet to see a bowl of pasta, though!

You can see what everyone else is showing off at Mel's Show and Tell.

Gluten-Free Fridays: Jonesing for Pesto

2009-05-22T12:53:00.007-06:00

For those just joining my blog for ICLW, there are a few key things you need to know about me. I'm of Italian heritage, which means I have olive colored skin (when I tan), which I'm pretty sure has to do with the olive oil running through my veins. I cook almost exclusively with olive oil. My parents used to buy it in gallon tins when I was a kid. I also subsist on garlic, basil, and tomatoes.

However, the one thing that my Italian genes do not like is gluten. I am gluten-intolerant, which is the protein in wheat, barley, rye, and spelt that makes dough sticky. Dairy doesn't agree with me either. One would think that all of Italian culture would crumble if wheat and dairy could not be put into Italian recipes, but luckily, exceptions can be made! Wheat is also considered bad for fertility. Most grains, including the gluten containing ones, are acid forming. An alkaline diet is considered healthier for the body and fertility. All my recipes exclude gluten grains and dairy, but not meat. It would be pretty grim if I couldn't eat meat either.

Part of eating a healthier diet for me, and in theory to improve my egg quality, is to grow my own food. I've been working like crazy in my spare time preparing my garden. I just transplanted ten basil plants. I'm wondering what I'm getting into planting them all at once, but I decided not to mess around this year. My best basil plants last year were the ones I put in first. My frozen pesto from last year's ten basil plants lasted until March this year! But what am I do do between the months of April and June while I'm waiting for the basil to grow?

The solution is arugula.

rocket arugula

Arugula is an early spring green in the mustard family. It has a spicy taste, kinda like basil. You can substitute arugula for basil in pesto recipes. You can buy 20 times the amount of arugula for the same amount of money you would spend on basil in the grocery store. Arugula is always the first green sold at the farmer's market.

Arugula is instant gratification, well, as instant as it gets when it comes to growing your own. It comes and goes quickly, so you have to successively seed it, meaning seeding every two or three weeks. My first seeding of arugula from March 22nd is almost spent already. I've gotten three cuttings off it and it bolted after the second cutting. I planted rocket arugula this year, which has nice big leaves. I also planted another variety called "Sputnik" from Seeds_of_Change, which is slightly less spicy. It's still small, so I'll see how I like it once I can get a harvest off it.

To make arugula pesto, just substitute the arugula for the basil! It's that simple. I have reprinted the recipe below from this original post. Remember that you need a food processor for this recipe. You can do it in a blender, but it will be very slimey tasting if you do. We learned this the hard way when Magic recently tried to make pesto. Serve the pesto over your favorite gluten-free pasta. I personally think the Tinkyada_brand is THE best gluten-free pasta, hands down. We had this last night for dinner and ate it before I had a chance to take a picture! Enjoy

Ingredients for Pesto
lots of arugula (roughly one store bought package
1-2 cloves of garlic pine nuts, about 1/4 to 1/3 cup
romano cheese (optional), about 1/4 to 1/3 cup or to taste
salt
about 1/4 to 1/2 tsp olive oil

A lot of making pesto is relative to how much you like of each ingredient.

The How to of Pesto Making
I make pesto in a food processor. First, fill the food processor with arugula leaves. Grind them down. Put more arugula leaves and grind them down again. Continue this process until all of your arugula is finely chopped

Next, add a clove or two of garlic. I don't like a lot of fresh garlic in my pesto, even though it would seem that you can't have enough garlic. A little fresh garlic goes a long way. There are many different types of garlic too, but that's a whole 'nother discussion that I'm not really qualified to get into. I like a mild garlic, which is usually the standard grocery store type.

Then, add the pine nuts. Add the romano cheese at this point if you too, if you can have dairy. I have never found a good substitute for pine nuts. You just have to bite the bullet and spend the money on them. You can use walnuts, but I think they are too bitter. Process the pine nuts enough that it chops up the nuts, but not enough to make pine nut butter. Pulse the processor if you have to. When it's starts to stick together, stop processing! Ideally, you would want to stop before it starts to stick together, because that's when it tastes like pine nut butter. You'll know what I mean once you've made this mistake. I've done it more often than I'd like to admit.

For cheese, I prefer romano to parmesan. Again, it's what I grew up with. We always had a jar of fresh grated romano cheese in the frig for sprinkling on all our Italian dishes. Romano has more flavor than parmesan, in my opinion, but use what you prefer. Since I can not eat dairy, I leave it out. The pesto will taste just fine without cheese.

Lastly, add the olive oil and a little bit of salt to taste. Try adding the salt in at 1/4 tsp at a time and taste it as you go. The romano will make the pesto salty tasting, but I like more salt than that. I don't measure the olive oil. I just keep adding it until I get it to a consistency I like. You can pulse or run the food processor each time you add the olive oil. In the end, it should look like the regular basil pesto, but with a more vibrant green color!

Grappling with Grief

2009-05-17T21:38:00.004-06:00

I saw grief drinking a cup
of sorrow and called out,
"It tastes sweet, does it not?"
"You've caught me," grief answered,
"and you've ruined my business.
How can I sell sorrow,
when you know it's a blessing?"
- Rumi

Grief is not a popular subject. It is exactly what the counselor and I talked about last Thursday at BigShotFertilityClinic. To their credit, they finally figured out that those of us who live near the satellite office were in need of counseling services. I signed up for the first slot. I liked the counselor. We talked about how I deal with grief. I do feel it. I do not try to cover it up, in general, with things like alcohol, TV, or food, though I have to admit, chocolate is my friend at times. But there is only so much grief I can stand. We talked about how I feel isolated by my grief. I notice that many people, including my DH, have a hard time staying with my sadness or anger.

Tonight, I went to see a movie called, "The Gifts of Grief". The documentary highlighted seven people who had lost loved ones in many different ways. I was moved to tears many times, but I could not feel that I have had any of my own gifts from grief. Perhaps I am still too sad and angry.

What have I learned from grief?

To cut out the BS of life: I don't have time for people who claim to want to help me, but just say that to soothe themselves. In the discussion after the movie, one woman talked about how she wanted to write a book on how to deal with a grieving person. She said that telling someone who is grieving, "just call me if you need anything," was not helpful to her. She described how the responsibility was then put on her to do something at a time when she was not functioning. This wisdom could be applied to anyone going through a crisis or trauma. I felt like this completely during my time of crisis while pregnant. I can't tell you how many people told me this, but who never really showed up in a real way to take action or to sit with me. I got lots of advice on what I should have been doing, but I was not functioning and could not do those things that were talked at me about. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I call someone to ask? Or I didn't believe that someone could really give me what I needed, so why bother asking. There were plenty of jealous women who were not pregnant or who had never been pregnant that avoided me, or worse yet, said hurtful things, acting out their own pain. There were the doctors and the healthcare providers who didn't see me, even though I was telling them of my difficulties. It was as if they all had this image of "you'll be fine" instead of seeing the truth. It was as if I was invisible. If they believed someone else was taking care of me, there was not a problem. I feel this way about grieving as well. As long as I'm functioning, people don't really see how much I'm hurting. It's easy to hide the sadness and anger by withdrawing, but I don't really feel like I'm living much of the time.

I don't really know of any resources out there that deal with the grief of going through infertility treatments, regardless of their outcome. If you know of those resources (i.e. have read the book, not just heard about it), please pass them on.

Someday, I may appreciate the blessing of grief. I know I have much more compassion for those going through infertility than I had before, so that is one gift. Can we be there for each other as we grieve day after day, month after month, year after year with each loss related to fertility treatments? Or does it feel better to cheer those on who continue to do treatment after treatment? I want to hear from those women who are in the trenches, dealing with these losses. I am guilty of not writing about how I feel, for fear I will turn off my readers or be viewed as a negative person, but the reality is that I am grieving still from the failure of our FET and from last year's loss as well.

We all have a story to tell about our grief around infertility. I'd love to hear yours. Do you have any gifts from your grief to share?

The Baskin Robbins of Grief

2009-05-14T21:57:00.005-06:00

Today, I learned I have a new flavor of grief. Anniversary grief. I guess it's kinda nice to have a name for it. It's not the same grief as the grief I had last year grief. I'm not big on talking about this anniversary, but yeah, it's been kicking my ass, especially because of how close it is to Mother's Day. I lived, but I think I'd just rather be in another country where they don't celebrate Mother's Day on that actual day. I actually feel much better, emotionally, since Sunday passed. I holed up in my house, but that wasn't enough. I also could not turn on the TV or read the newspaper lest I be reminded of what day it was. Really, it was hopeless.

I did get a nice Mother's Day gift. I talked with my mother for half an hour! For those who have not been following my story, my mother has this thing about talking on the phone, as in, she won't do it. I haven't talked with my Mom since I visited her last December. My Dad will talk a blue streak with you, but my Mom refuses to get on the phone. The love didn't last long. I got an off "joke" e-mail from my Mom two days later that went like this:

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No...I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I'm the youngest of six and my oldest sibling is seven years older than me. It's no mistake that my Mom found this funny, but to me, I just felt sad. Who would want to be thought of as a customer complaint? Thanks for making me feel wanted, Mom. If she had actually used some birth control, which I think would have been the best thing for her sanity and all of us in our family, I wouldn't be here, which is really ok by me.

Age is Just a Number

2009-05-09T06:10:00.005-06:00

Dara_Torres became my instant hero when I learned she was competing in the 2008_Olympics at age 41. I have since discovered that we have more in common than I first thought. First, my post title is the same title of her new book, which is featured in the April issue of More_magazine. Second, we are both 42. Third, we have both done IVF. The similarities end there.

Dara is married to a fertility doctor (!) and had a daughter from IVF at age 38. It's interesting what she writes, though brief, about her infertility experience. She says that infertility was the one thing that she could not control. I was so inspired by Dara's wins at the 2008_Olympics and her drive to compete even more today, but is it really true that we have no control over our fertility as we age? I would like to think we do.

I have let my age get the best of me these last few days and weeks. How at age 42-and-less-than-six-months-away-from-43 can I even consider cycling with my own eggs? I thought for sure that I was doomed and my Day 3 FSH would come back sky high. I had a meltdown yesterday morning, letting these negative thoughts get the best of me, though I still had not seen my Day 3 results yet.

The truth is not so bad. My numbers are not spectacular, but they are pretty damn good considering my age. I was unsuccessful in getting the AMH test, but I did get FSH and estradiol:

FSH = 4.4
Estradiol, Serum = 61

The first number rocks, but the second number is the one I'm concerned about. I believe that BigShotFertilityClinic likes to see this number below 50 on Day 3. Those of you who also go to BigShotFertilityClinic (there can only be one in the US, you know), please chime in about what you know. The theory goes that if you have a low FSH and "advanced maternal age", you also have to look at estradiol because a high estradiol can mask a low FSH. I'm not exactly sure what is considered a high estradiol, and I think it depends on where your labs were run. Dr._Liccardi says 50 is the cut off. This fertility clinic puts the cut off around 70-80, with the caveat that the number really depends on the lab where your bloodwork is done. The one number I am missing that I needed was the anti_mullerian_hormone (AMH), which I thought was ordered.

The other theory about high estradiol on day 3 is that your follicles start growing and producing estrogen early, which is basically interpreted as bad egg quality. One reason I am not entirely concerned about my sketchy E2 level is that my last cycle was long for me, 28 days. A "normal" cycle for me is 24 days and has been that way all my life. My sister is the same way, and she has three children, one who was conceived at 40 years old, no problem. My cycle was so long, that I actually peed on a stick the morning of the 29th day, but of course, it was negative and AF showed up shortly thereafter. I would not be surprised if my follicles did start growing a bit early, as they might have been confused by this seemingly long cycle for me.

Consider too, that the last time my antral (resting) follicles were counted, I had seven, which I thought rocked for my age, but again, this fertility clinic shows that the numbers were sketchy. Ten or over is the acceptable number. I'm figuring, a little estrogen_priming_protocol and a lot of ovarian stimulants will get that number higher for me. I'm not in it for the quantity. I would be happy with one good embryo out of the whole lot.

Having taken graduate statistics, I'm all too aware of how statistics do not tell the whole story. I am not doing IVF because it has been proven that I have egg quality/fertility issues. I'm sure that if my husband had swimmers, we would have been knocked up a long time ago. Not to say that we couldn't use IVF now at my age, but still, I don't have the double whammy of age and fertility problems. Most of the women doing IVF at my age do have fertility problems, so I believe that could skew the statistics. If I am going to plunk down $20-$25K that I don't have on another IVF cycle, I want to know that I have more than a snowball's chance in hell of success. I think my recent numbers show that hell just got a little colder. I feel comfortable going ahead with my plan of improving my egg quality as much as possible in the coming months to go forward with another IVF cycle. As comfortable as one can get with doing IVF again, that is.

Anticipation

2009-05-07T22:23:00.002-06:00

I got Dr. F, my acupuncturist, to order Day 3 testing for me, and that means Dr. BloSunMyCha never has to see it. But since Dr. F knows squat about IVF, he and his staff don't understand that I'm dying that I can't see my results. I'll have to wait until tomorrow afternoon to know if I have a snowball's chance in hell or not. It's not like I'm going to do an IVF cycle anytime soon. In fact, it might not be until September, which means I might actually be able to enjoy my summer. It also means I'll be 43 by then. I hate to think I'll be 43 when I do my next IVF cycle, three years almost to the day of when I did my first IVF cycle. Crap. I was old back then. Three years later? I don't feel that much different, except for the weight I never lost from my pregnancy. But still...

The Return of Dr. F

2009-04-29T20:08:00.001-06:00

This is a private post. If you have access, click here to read.

Call me "Crash"

2009-04-27T18:08:00.009-06:00

Everyone knows that the hormone rollercoaster is a given when you are in the thick of your cycle, but what about afterwards, when you get that BFN?

I decided to go back to Dr. F, my famous acupuncturist, who I took a break from for a year. He can help me with hormone stuff that Em, my other acupuncturist, can't, though he is clueless about IVF. After Dr. BloSunMyCha would not monitor my DHEA levels, I asked Dr. F to do it. I had to go off the pregnenolone I had just started taking for a week. I'll get the test on Wednesday. It can't come soon enough.

I think I'm having a hormone crash. I'm getting PMS symptoms and taking no hormone precursors to jump start my system again. I do think I ovulated, but my BBTs have been all over the map. My ovaries are confused.

I read two blog posts today that freaked me out. First was about a C-section incision busting open. I thought, ew, I don't want to do that, but chances are I would have to have a C-section because of my previous myomectomy to remove fibroids. Then, I read a post about a woman's PPD with anxiety. Talk about flashback, but I had that PPD/anxiety when I was pregnant. No one warns you about that. I've made myself sick on chocolate and lack of sleep in the last day and a half. I feel nauseous and panicked. If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant.

It seems that my expensive fertility treatment habit is now turning into an expensive car wreck habit too. Yeah, had another car accident last Wednesday. I'm ok, physically. The car isn't. I got a new lesson in trauma reactions, one I could do without. I froze in reaction to being startled while driving. Not good when there are other things moving around you that don't stop.

Seriously, this whole infertility gig sucks.

Evil-FSH-Pee-Sticks Part II

2009-04-25T07:27:00.006-06:00

Following up to my post on Evil Pee Sticks for FSH this week, my blogroll popped up this post today from the High FSH Info Blog. I discovered this blog when I was trying to find the IVF clinic in Massachusetts of Dr. Car.done. Em, my acupuncturist, told me a story of a client of hers. She was young, late 20s/early 30s, but had high FSH. She did try cycling at BigShotFertilityClinic, but she ovulated while stimming and had to be twice cancelled. She finally decided to work with Dr. Car.done's clinic because another friend of hers got pregnant there.

There are two camps of REs. The first camp believes that once you have one high FSH, you are doomed for the rest of your life to have poor egg quality. All the REs I have been to are in this camp, including BigShotFertilityClinic. Those of you who commented that I can get this test done with my RE or Gyno, of course I know that after having gone through two IVFs and many other fertility procedures, but I don't want to be branded for the rest of my fertile life by a high FSH. That is the reason I would buy the evil-FSH-pee-sticks.

The second camp of REs, like Dr. Car.done, will do IVF on patients with high FSH, but only in cycles in which the FSH has dropped to an acceptable number. They believe that you can get pregnant in a cycle when your FSH is low. The client I described above had her FSH tested monthly. Once her FSH was low, she started her stim drugs for that cycle, no suppression ahead of time. She did end up getting pregnant.

The first FSH test I had done was very high, almost 18. Since I had it done at a lab that was not at a fertility clinic, I did have to repeat it at my clinic at the time. After getting the first donor egg speech by RE#1, I was devastated. I scoured the internet for information and found a reference to Randine_Lewis' book "The Infertility Cure". After reading in her book that "eggs do not have an expiration date", I had hope! I started acupuncture and Chinese herbs immediately. After a couple of weeks, I had my FSH tested and it was 6. However, my estrogen was high, over 100, so I was not out of the woods with a poor egg quality/DOR diagnosis. My theory is that the fibroids were causing my estrogen to be high. I went on to have them removed and passed a Clomid.challenge test with flying colors at age 40, which I did acupuncture and Chinese herbs through. My RE#3 didn't know what to think of that first FSH, but he was kind enough to brush it off as a lab error.

For those of you with high FSH, you may also be interested in checking out the High FSH Info website. You can find a list of Reproductive Endocrinologists there who work with high FSH patients.

Gluten Free Fridays: Spicy Grilled Pork Chops

2009-04-24T05:03:00.000-06:00

When I went gluten free, I had to learn how to cook meat. You see, I was a vegetarian before the gluten free days, and I was eating wheat three times a day. It's hard to be a gluten free vegetarian when you can't eat dairy, soy, or corn. I gave all those foods up when I was battling the fibroids and trying to save my uterus. I still do not eat much soy or corn, though I don't eliminate them completely.

One of the meats that used to really baffle me was pork. I have since learned how to cook some great pork meals, and this is one of them. Even my "vegetarian" husband loves this recipe. The great thing about pork is that you can find some cheap cuts of pork that are yummy. In a difficult economy, I've been buying more of these less expensive cuts. You can make this recipe with pork chops or pork shoulder steaks. The latter are inexpensive. I can find pork shoulder steaks periodically at Whole ~~Foods~~ Paycheck. You might be able to get a butcher to cut a pork shoulder into steaks for you as well.

In my opinion, the only way to cook juicy pork chops is on the grill. I've tried cooking them in a pan, but they always end up overcooked. This rub is the best!

Spicy Pork Chops

For 4 pork chops or pork shoulder steaks. It is helpful to have a small spice grinder for this. I have a mini Cuis.inart that cost me $20 and works great for grinding spices.

2 Tbsp cumin seeds
2 Tbsp coriander seeds
2 Tbsp black peppercorns
2 Tbsp ground dried chile (I like mild chili, but mix in some chipotle for my spicey loving family)
2 Tbsp kosher salt
1/4 cup olive oil

Grind the cumin seeds, coriander seeds, and black peppercorns separately in the spice grinder so they are part powder, part chunky. Grind more or less to your preference. Mix all ground spices together with the chili powder and kosher salt.

Start heating your grill if you haven't already done so. Pat pork chops dry with a paper towel. Brush one side of a chop with olive oil, then sprinkle the mixture over it and pat in. Repeat on all sides of the pork chops until you are finished.

Make sure your grill is oiled before cooking the pork chops. Take a paper towel, fold in quarters, and soak with olive oil. Use tongs to hold the olive oil soaked paper towel, brush the paper towel over the grill and coating it lightly with oil. I usually do this while the grill is heating.

Once you grill is hot, 400 degrees, grill the first side about 5 minutes and the second side about 3 minutes. How long you grill will depend on how thick your chops/steaks are. To check for doneness, make a small cut about an inch away from the bone. The meat next to the bone will always cook the slowest, so if you want your pork chops juicy, they might be a little rare next to the bone. The pork should have a hint of pinkness. If it's still read, cook for another minute and check again. The chops will cook a little bit more once you remove them from the grill, so no need to make sure they are completely cooked through on the grill. Enjoy!

Evil Pee Sticks for FSH

2009-04-22T05:03:00.001-06:00

These are two lines I DO NOT want to see.

http://firstresponse.com/fertilityTest.asp

Yeah, I'll be buying mine for next month, damn it.

Phoebe 101

2009-04-21T05:03:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Phoebe...

Ok, this is no fairy tale, though I wish it were. Here are the basic things you need and want to know about me. My blog is about my baby making journey, cooking, gardening, natural living, and whatever I feel about blogging about. Phoebe is not my real name, but I think it's kind of a cool name.

I am now 43 (updated 8/2009). It took a while for me to find Mr. Magic, and we got married two months shy of my 39th birthday. My first RE visit was just before that 39th birthday. I always knew I would need high tech means to get pregnant with Magic, my husband, but I was very naive about what that meant. I thought, yeah, I'll just do IVF. Little did I know how difficult it would be and how much agony and pain it would bring me.

Magic had a vasectomy 15 years ago after the birth of his second son, thinking he was done with baby making, but saved some of his sperm, just in case. In that 15 years, he was divorced and we were married. A reverse vasectomy now will have little chance of being successful because the amount of time that has lapsed from his original vasectomy directly correlates to the amount of the antibodies that are produced against Magic's sperm.

My baby making journey, which has so far resulted in no baby, has consisted of:

1 IUI
1 IVF converted to IUI
1 IVF
1 FET

I have had my own reproductive problems myself. I had surgery for uterine fibroids, a half a pound's worth, before any RE would touch me. Fortunately, changing my lifestyle and getting serious about taking care of myself have kept anymore fibroids away.

High tech fertility treatments are completely against my own personal philosophies, but since it is the only way I can get pregnant, I suck it up. At this point, it feels like a very expensive hobby.

I did get pregnant from IVF #1 redo (IVF #2?) at age 41. I had serious fucked up problems with my pregnancy that was directly related to doing IVF. I know I would not have had these problems if I got pregnant naturally. One of them was that I had severe prenatal depression and anxiety and was not getting treated for it. I did try taking Pro>zac, but I had a paradoxical reaction to it, meaning it made me more anxious instead of calming me down. In retrospect, I should have been on anti-anxiety medication and a different type of anti-depressant, not an SS.RI type anti-depressant. However, because I was so out of it, I didn't have the energy or will to find the right kind of psychiatrist to treat me, and Magic didn't know what to do. It's difficult when your normally in-control-assertive wife suddenly turns into a withering mass of protoplasm. The doctor who did prescribe me the Pro>ac was my RE, and he did not monitor me. Big mistake when treating someone for mental illness, which is why I could not go back to him, and why I eventually changed fertility clinics and moved my frozen embryos. I probably should have been hospitalized, except on the outside, I was functioning. On the inside, I was falling apart. Even after I eventually got better, I have found it extremely difficult to find psychiatrists and psychologists who treat prenatal depression and anxiety, let alone any doctor or health care professional who understands it. Mental health care is seriously ~~fucked~~ flawed in this country, especially for pregnant women.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy had an unhappy ending, and I do not talk about the details of my loss on my public blog. I was traumatized by the whole experience, and the less I have that trauma out there in the world, the better it is for me. I know that my story could probably help someone, but I get nothing from retelling my story except re-traumatization. I do have a private blog that has my story that I created as an outlet for myself and my healing. I only let longtime readers/commenters access. You have to get to know me first before I will allow you access. If you request access to my private blog first to get to know me, I will have to respectfully decline your request.

I love receiving comments and I love the support I get and give by conversing with other bloggers. I do moderate all my comments. I usually publish all the comments I receive. On rare occasions, I will remove any comments that I deem nosey, mean-spirited, or unsupportive. If you return to my blog and see your comment gone (really, why are you coming back to check on your comment?), that should probably be your clue that I thought your comment was nosey, mean-spirited, or unsupportive. Rather than write another comment that is nosey, mean-spirited, or unsupportive that I will also remove, please simply click away from my blog.

Most of what you really need to know is here on my public blog. Thanks for joining me on this crazy ride.

The Follow-Up

2009-04-18T10:00:00.001-06:00

I was pretty upset after our follow-up appointment with Dr. BloSunMyCha. I didn't think the news was very good, but after doing more research and reflecting on it, I guess it wasn't that bad. I think what makes me nervous is staring down the barrel of a gun. That's what embarking on another IVF cycle at 42 or 43 feels like. I described the IVF stats to my acupuncturist yesterday like this:

IVF at age 40: Stats are dismal at 40.
IVF at age 41: What, are you fucking crazy?
IVF at age 42: Shoot me now.

Em, my acupuncturist, pointed out to me that 35% pregnancy rates at 42 isn't that bad. True, this is BigShotFertilityClinic, after all, but those stats still make me nervous.

I felt good about our embryos being "normal", at least as far as they could tell, after thaw. Embryos with above 70% cell survival rate are considered normal, and ours had 80% cell survival. I made "normal" embryos at age 41, so I could possibly do it again. I asked Dr. BloSunMyCha if they would have done assisted hatching if we had allowed it. He said that they normally do AH with FET. This statement was in direct contrast to what he said to me when I told him that we could not agree to AH in good conscious if it increased the chance of identical twinning. I felt crappy about not agreeing to AH after our meeting, but realized that we would not have agreed to it anyways, so no point in second guessing ourselves. The only way to know if our embryos are normal is to do genetic testing, which I discussed in my last post.

One thing I love about blogging is finding other women who have also been to BigShotFertilityClinic and finding out what they were told about genetic testing. I have since learned some comforting news. It appears that I do not necessarily need 10 embryos at day 1, but at least 10 eggs at retrieval. I can do that. I've already done it once. My FSH needs to be lower than 10. I have no idea what it is since it hasn't been tested in two years. My anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH) needs to be above 0.6. I have never been tested for that, so no clue there either.

As long as I pass Day 3 testing, we can move forward with another cycle. Day 3 testing will include FSH, LH, estrogen, and AMH. If my FSH isn't sky high, I can move forward. The new protocol is Estrogen Priming Protocol with human growth hormone and probably max stims. No BCPs! I think I still stick with the antagon type protocol too, which means no lupron either!! I'm happy about the protocol, if there is something to be happy about doing another IVF cycle. I'm allowing myself to do Day 3 testing and make our decisions from there.

My current plan-du-jour is to get my body ready for the Day 3 testing. I don't think I will be ready this next cycle, though Dr. BloSunMyCha would let me. Besides, I need to get my follicles ready. My plan is to do the Day 3 testing the cycle after this next one, which would be the end of May. If everything looks good, then we would make plans to move forward with IVF #3. Right now, I'm thinking the actual egg retrieval would happen mid-July, which would give me three solid months to work on egg quality.

I've cracked open my already worn copy of "The Infertility Cure" by Randine_Lewis, going straight to Chapter 10, Advanced Maternal Age. There are some great stories in here about women getting pregnant in their forties with the help of Chinese medicine. I have read this chapter many times before. The one statement that sticks in my head is that the time it takes for a resting follicle to develop into a full-blown egg ready to be released is up to 150 days. FIVE MONTHS!! I'm giving myself three months, knowing that the last three months I have already been taking pretty good care of myself. I'll be writing future posts on what my egg quality improvement protocol will be. Heck, I've already started, but I know I'll be doing some more tweaking.

The challenging part will not to get stressed about this whole process. I'm trying to approach this seemingly huge undertaking that it will be good for my health, regardless of whether we actually go through with another IVF cycle. I will also be using this time to "fund raise". Grovelling will probably be involved, as well as looking at ways to sell off things of value.

I had two days this week when I felt really happy just as I was. I wondered how long it would last and if I could just be happy with my life as it is. It only lasted two days. I'm not ungrateful for my life. I know I have a lot of good things going for me without children. I've always wanted to feel that happy whether I was going through fertility treatments or living child-free.

The grief I have been feeling at this latest loss is greater than I would have expected. Part of the grief is seriously looking down the child-free road. I thought this FET was it, and I could not possibly take another IVF cycle. The truth is, I did a lot of healing in this FET cycle. It forced me to face my trauma and work through a lot of it. I've come a long way from how scared and freaked out I felt in my first IVF cycle. The truth is I can do this. But this truly is it, one more shot. Do I have to be ok with the child-free path, because otherwise, am I going to put too much pressure on myself going through another cycle?

CGH vs Microarray

2009-04-14T12:58:00.007-06:00

Yesterday was the follow-up with Dr. G. Neither Magic nor I felt good coming out of it. I did get my question answered about the difference between the two clinical trials of genetic testing that BigShotFertilityClinic is doing. We do qualify, but there is a catch.

Both CGH (Comparative Genomic Hybridization) and microarray are two types of microarray genetic testing that looks at all 23 of the human chromosomes. First, the difference between CGH and microarray are that they are done at two different labs. BigShotClinic switches between the two depending on which one is having better quality control and less "no results" at the time. They make these decisions weekly. Therefore, you don't know which one you will be doing until you start your stims. CGH amplifies all 23 chromosomes and tests them where as microarray tests parts of the sequences on all 23 chromosomes instead of all sequences of the 23 chromosomes (I think). Both tests are used on day 5 blasts, and then the embryos are vitrified (special freezing technique) until you get your tests back in about 6 weeks and do an FET. This is my even more simplified version of Dr. BloSunMyCha's layman's version, so I'm sure I'm not entirely explaining this well.

The catch is that you have to have ten embryos on Day 1 or ten fertilized eggs. At my age, it's doubtful I will meet that criteria. I was happy to have six embryos on day three last time. The other alternative is to do Polar Body Testing, which is done on day 1, but it only tells you about the genetics of the egg, and not the embryo. Polar Body Testing also has a much lower pregnancy rate of 20 to 30% compared to 80% for CGH or microarray.

The other catch is that BigShotClinic does not do sex selection. They basically transfer back the best embryos, regardless of sex, and they do not tell you the sex until after they transfer them. I didn't ask exactly when they tell you the sex, but I'm sure it would be sometime after a positive beta. If they have normal and excellent quality embryos of the sex you prefer, they will put them back.

Waaay back when we had our first serious talk about baby making with my third RE after my surgery, we discovered a sperm selection program for gender called Micro_Sort. However, I did not meet the age criteria, which was 38 and younger at the time. I think I was 39 at the time. My research from last night shows they upped the age limit to 39. Bottom line: if you are "old" you take what you get. Can you say age discrimination?

Dr. BloSunMyCha recommended 3-day transfer with us, which I am fine with, but he recommended putting back four to six embryos at my age. This does not make me happy. I do not want to risk multiples again. Pregnancy rate for my age is 35% at BigShotClinic, with still a 20% chance of twins. The stats are not good, but considering that what happened to us last time was very low statistically, then maybe I still have a chance.

All I know is that I feel crappy about all this. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate taking a huge gamble on money we don't have. I hate not going through all this high tech process of getting pregnant, and then not having choices about it. I hated it then, and I hate it now. The only good thing that came out of yesterday is I got a pass on the Clomid challenge test. The rest will have to wait for another post.

A Fork in the Road

2009-04-11T19:39:00.003-06:00

It's been a rough week post negative.

Yesterday, I was on my way to my acupuncturist when I saw something I usually don't see around town - a pickup pulling a trailer with a donkey in it. I laughed to myself. That pretty much described my day yesterday; draggin' ass!

I have not had a drink since we got the bad news. I didn't even smoke the weed I found in a baggie in my stepson's dirty sock in the mountain of laundry I washed before our FET. It was a WTF/LOL moment when I discovered it! About the worse thing I have done is eat some cheese. I did not even stoop to chocolate, until yesterday. I could not stay awake yesterday at work, and I had bags under my eyes. Finally, I got a chocolate bar at the vending machine to see if I would feel better. I perked up a bit afterward, meaning my hormones are surely fucked.

I would like to think this reaction has to do with some wisdom I've gained at the age of 42. Drinking, drugs, and crappy food are just going to make me feel worse, and I already feel crappy enough between the grief and the wild hormone ride. My liver has gone tilt with the hormone overload and a drink isn't going to help it do it's job. Magic is getting the brunt of my hormonal-ness, with grumpiness and fits o' rage interspersed with lying-in-bed-non-functionality-depression.

I've dreaded this moment where I'm standing at a Y in the road. One direction is the child-less route, the other is another-IVF route. My confidence has been shaken after this BFN. I was also a bit surprised at how much I grieved this loss. I think, how at my age can I possibly think about doing another IVF with my own eggs? I was surprised to find how many women are doing the same after perusing the "IVF 40-44" forum on IVFConnections. I was also comforted by discovering that Wombded is pregnant at 43 with her own eggs after her second IVF. Regardless, it's not going to be easy, but I'm just not quite ready to throw in the towel, even though going through another IVF cycle is going to be only slightly better than waterboarding.

I felt some hope after seeing EM, my acupuncturist yesterday. I felt better after the acupuncture and got some more supplements that we haven't tried before, like Co-Q 10 and L-arginine. I'm back on Chinese herbs too. I know that the protocol and the lab probably help more than anything, but I do believe the Chinese medicine/acupuncture/supplements/good-lifestyle helps as well for egg quality.

The day of my beta, I asked for a price sheet for IVF. I was already considering going down this route. The money is really out of our reach, but we do have more frozen sperm, enough for one more try. Monday is the regroup with Dr. BloSunMyCha at BigShotFertilityClinic. He'll have the final say whether we can move forward or not with my own eggs. The decision probably won't be made until I am submitted to further poking, prodding, and other indignities. I just hope I don't have to do another Clomid challenge, though at least it's better than waterboarding (my new mantra).

Missing

2009-04-06T17:40:00.003-06:00

I have heard of others having this feeling, but it is new to me. Someone is missing from our family. I feel that. I get it now, but I don't know how to get her here. I have grandiose ideas, but I have neither the money nor the will to make it happen right now. I know it's still early. I'll give myself another day before I start making appointments. Or maybe the day after that, or the day after that. I don't know if it's the spirit_baby we had been communicating with before or a different one, but she is missing.

I was in the grocery store yesterday, when all of the sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion. Watching parents shop with their babies or toddlers made me sad. I can not sit in a meeting without identifying the participants by their pregnancies I have watched them go through and their children. It's all I can do to hold back the tears. I am obsessed, but still, I can not find her.

I feel frustrated by how long this process takes. When I was in the 2ww, I realized, this is not two weeks or even nine days. It represents the three and a half years I have been working on this. All the surgeries, procedures, doctors visits, acupuncture sessions and all the waiting in between, all condensed into that wait-till-beta limbo. Now, it's like I'm in the 2ww without anything to look forward to. No appointments scheduled. No plan. Just this void in my heart.

I know why women feel they are lost at this point. Because it feels like nothing is there.

The Stages of Grief

2009-04-04T16:04:00.006-06:00

1. Sadness:
It is interesting that in the usual stages of grief, sadness is not mentioned. Depression instead is one of the stages. I am not depressed (yet). I am sad. I am deeply sad that our spirit_baby did not come. Why did she not come? I fell in love with her and now I feel that she has left. I visualized her in my uterus so much that I felt like I was carrying her. It is a loss. My heart aches.

I do come home after work and immediately get into bed and lay there all night. I've been lying on the couch a lot today, but I'm reading a good book. Ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.

2. Anger:
I am angry with our spirit_baby. I gave her so much love, and she gave me nothing back in return. Is she being picky about the embryo she chooses? Doesn't she know how much I have sacrificed for her? How much money I have spent? I don't have time for her to wait. I am already well past the fertility-dropping-off-the-edge-of-a-cliff age. I try not to be angry with her, but until I know the reason why she did not come, I can't help but act out in anger.

I was also angry with Magic initially. I blamed him for scaring away our spirit_baby. He was so grumpy and unsupportive when we moved the embryos. He is afraid of having more children. I know he has acted out of fear. Why won't he have a reverse-vasectomy? Why can't he share in some of the physical agony? I can resolve my anger with Magic more easily than our spirit_baby because he is much easier to talk to.

3. Denial:
Well, I have not gotten my period yet, so maybe I could be pregnant? Pee-on-a-stick cuz what the heck and I have one left. I could still have my miracle, couldn't I? Negative. Start the grief process over again with sadness.

4. Bargaining:
This is one step of the grief process I refuse to submit to. I will not be the desperate barren woman. I will not beg for a child. I will not sell my soul for this quest. I have done that and paid the price. I told myself before I got my beta and knew for sure that I would not let this define my life. I am more than my ability or non-ability to have a child. No, I will not reduce myself to bargaining.

Perhaps the one bit of bargaining I have done is that I have told myself, if only I could know why our spirit_baby did not come, then I would be alright. I have tried to contact her again, but I been unsuccessful in getting anything back. Maybe if I could reach her, then she will come the next time we try. Ok, I am bargaining. Fuck.

5. Acceptance:
I felt a twang of acceptance this morning. I had been through all the other stages of grief. Then, as I felt this bit of acceptance, I cycled through all the other stages of grief again, but more deeply this time. I suppose this is how it will be, for awhile yet.

As the Uterus Turns

2009-04-02T15:55:00.007-06:00

This morning, I woke up feeling good. I lay in bed, with some hope. I knew I had to get up for my beta. I did not POAS. When I got in the shower, those all too familiar cramps came back. I had already done some grieving, but as the day wore on, and as the time I knew I would get the call got closer, time seemed to slow down and hope crept in. I got to the point yesterday where I was tired trying to figure it out. I just wanted to know so that I could move on, one direction or the other.

In retrospect, I had a sign that something was wrong. It happened around the time we moved our embryos. I can't remember if it was before or after. One evening, when Magic and I were doing our evening ritual to connect with our spirit_baby, I had a vision of her. She surprised me because she was so in my face. I really am not used to these types of visions, but they seem to be coming more frequent. I didn't know what to think, though. She appeared wild eyed and her hair was all disheveled. I thought it was a good sign, and she was ready to come, though I was a bit worried that it meant she would be a wild child. Now, I think that something was bothering her and she was trying to tell me. I don't know what. Now that I think back, was it the night before we moved the embryos? Oh, I wish I had written it down!

I haven't felt her around for a few days. Last night, I felt particularly empty, but we did the ritual anyways. While I wasn't surprised that the result was negative, I am still sad. I'm not as sad about not being pregnant as I'm sad because I don't know where our spirit_baby went. I'm afraid she left. I'm hoping she just had to take a break. I don't know if it was her or the embryos. I don't know if something went wrong when we transferred the embryos or if she got cold feet. There is one way to find out, though it may be awhile.

In some way, I feel like this is all part of a grander plan. I don't know what that plan is. I had to do the FET before I could move on. I don't know what moving on means, but I know that I would have been haunted by leaving our embryos frozen if we had not transferred them. I couldn't bear the thought of thawing them and letting them perish.

What I am haunted by now is not knowing where our spirit_baby is.
I don't feel lost. I feel heartbroken.

Going through the Motions

2009-03-31T10:45:00.001-06:00

When I started my FET cycle, I intentionally did not put my name on cyclesisters or post my news on Mel's "Lost and Found". I didn't want people coming by to check on what was going on, feeling like I was their daily entertainment and not leaving a comment. I do periodically check my statcounter and I've seen the numbers increase when I'm cycling. I wanted to hear from the women who have been following along and who would leave supportive comments. Thank you for those comments and e-mails. They have been helping me get through.

This cycle has been particularly challenging for me emotionally. I've had to re-live some of the trauma I previously experienced. I've had to examine my regrets. When I mentioned the post about peeing on sticks from The School of Hard Knocked-Up, I didn't expand on her suggestion of having a Plan B. I don't really have a Plan B. The whole fertility treatment nightmare has been so hard on me that I don't know that I could emotionally stand another IVF cycle. One Plan B scenario would look like this: IVF cycle with CGH, which would involve another FET since all the embryos have to be frozen while waiting for the test results. Maybe I could handle one more IVF cycle, but another frozen cycle on top of that? And I may have to do another clomid challenge. If I can't talk my doctor out of that, I may bail on the whole thing. I feel like another clomid challenge would be a waste of eggs, and I don't think I have that many good ones left.

Why am I talking about all this? I woke up this morning and peed, feeling confident that I was not going to POAS. I went back to bed, and eventually, a panic attack came 'round. I don't know what started it, but I tend to get them in the mornings. Then, I started having AF-like cramps again, and I needed to know. I did pee on a stick, actually two sticks, and they did come up negative. Maybe things could turn around, but these cramps just feel like the hormones are postponing the inevitable. I hope I'm wrong. I have no intuition about this because the hormones just mess with that. I'm in the familiar awful cycle of hope and despair.

The thing is, through all this, I've fallen in love with my spirit_baby. I know I'll be heartbroken if she doesn't come. I know that it may be that the embryos just weren't good enough and it has nothing to do with her. Since I have no Plan B, I know this may be it. The end of the road of trying. There is no hope for a chance pregnancy because the vasectomy my husband had 15 years ago was successful. There are no sperm. I've hoped for a miracle, but it isn't going to happen. I've given up hope that he will have a reverse vasectomy. I won't go into the anger I have about that, not that it would be a guarantee anyways. I never wanted to do any of this, the shots, the doctors visits, the emotional turmoil. I've hated it but muddled through.

I understand more than I care to, yet I know nothing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions now with the medications. It is completely out of my control, not that I really had any to begin with, though it's a nice fantasy. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Hot and Bothered

2009-03-30T17:18:00.009-06:00

The Hot Flash Queen, Mrs. Duck, is apparently correct. I assumed that hot flashes mean you are deficient in some kind of hormone, presumably estrogen. I never got my hormone levels when they drew my blood last week before my transfer. I just assumed that I didn't need to worry about numbers when I got the message that everything looked good. Apparently, I have enough estrogen to supply a support group for menopausal women for a month, by my meager calculations. My E2 was just about as high as it was for my IVF cycle, just shy of 2000. I think that's crazy, and if I end up not pregnant, I'm gonna have a hellava hormone crash.

My nurse confirmed with me that the hormone fluctuations are what cause the hot flashes. She didn't seem concerned about it, so why should I? Because I keep getting these AF-like cramps. What would cause the hormone fluctuations? Implantation? I don't know, but that's pretty late for implantation - 5 days after transfer? I think last time I implanted 4 days after transfer, from my symptoms.

So what did I do yesterday but walked to the store to buy some evil pee sticks. Of course I could not wait to try one. That's like buying a chocolate bar and not eating any of it for 4 days. And of course it came up negative in the middle of the day after I had just peed an hour earlier 5 days after transfer and quite possibly the same day as implantation (?). My internal brain was eating crow, as I know I have told many a woman who has done the same thing that it's too early! It's my 2ww and I'll pee on a stick if I want to!! I've also optimistically told many women that AF-like cramps can also mean you are pregnant. Apparently, that optimism does not extend to hormonal moi.

After that lovely POAS experience and the weeping that eventually ensued that night and this morning, I have sworn off the evil sticks...until Thursday morning. Nishkanu has a great post about peeing on sticks. I agree with her that one should not POAS until as close to beta as possible, as in the morning of, but I could not wait. Now that I have had the negative reinforcement shock therapy, I am not going to drive myself crazy for the next two days.

Here's a great story. I have a friend here who has been my cycle buddy. She did her transfer with DE at BigShotFertilityClinic a week before mine. She was peeing on some cheapo sticks she bought last year, and they kept coming up negative. To torture her more, she had to wait an extra day to get her beta because of our blizzard. When she tested negative yet again the day of her beta, she was sure she was not pregnant. Not only did her beta come back positive, but it's so high that we are sure she's pregnant with twins.

I hope that my rising hCG is inversely proportional to the height of snow in my backyard, which is melting quickly!

Talk to Me

2009-03-29T10:39:00.003-06:00

All us who have been through it know that the 2ww sucks, but one does not know how much it sucketh until in it. Here's the thing. I'm getting hot flashes. Seriously, hot flashes? Me thinks this can not be good. If anyone else has experienced the same thing and had a BFP, please let me know. I'm confused, and my mind dwells on doom. What is the medical explanation?

It's going to be a long five days.

Gluten Free Fridays: Snow & Soup

2009-03-27T15:43:00.004-06:00

Backyard blizzard; 1.5 feet of snow falls on March 26th

After a temporary hiatus, Gluten Free Fridays is back. Magic made me this soup while I was on bedrest. While the snow was falling yesterday, I was dining on leftovers. To think, just a week ago I was having lunch with RetroGirl and we decided not to sit on the restaurant patio because it would have been too hot in the sun!!

I hadn't made this recipe in years. Magic dug it up in a binder I have of photocopies of recipes. My notes on the recipe say it's from the premier issue of the magazine Eating Well from 1990. I was in Africa at the time, but my mom found the recipe. For my mom's short falls, she always was a great cook. She also supported me when I was a vegetarian and found this great recipe. It's one worth sharing.

Meatless Harira
(Moroccan Ramadan Soup)

I lived with Muslims in West Africa (not Morocco). In Islam, Ramadan is the month of fasting. It's a lot like Lent, but more intense. During the daylight hours, one could not ingest anything, not food, water, or smoke, and no sex. After sundown, people would feast. We had ice during Ramadan, which is a big deal in a village without electricity or running water. It was brought in by pickup in the late afternoon insulated in woodshavings. While part of the purpose of Ramadan is to practice humility, we ate some of our best meals during that month. Of course, you can eat this soup anytime.

The traditional version of this Moroccan soup contains lamb and sometimes chicken, as well as beans, herbs and vegetables. The chickpeas can be substituted for the beans.

1/2 cup dried chick peas or 1 cup canned chickpeas
1/2 cup dried white beans, like great northern beans, or 1 cup of canned equivalent
2 Tbsp. olive oil
2 yellow onions, chopped
3/4 cup chopped celery leaves and ribs
1/2 cup finely chopped parsley
2 Tbsp. finely chopped fresh cilantro
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1/2 tsp. saffron threads
1/4 tsp. ground ginger
2 28-oz cans of whole tomatoes well-drained and chopped
3/4 cup lentils
salt to taste
1/2 cup gluten-free spaghetti, broken into small pieces
(the original recipe calls for fine vermicelli)
1 egg, beaten
3 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

Soak beans overnight or use quick-soak method; cover beans with water three times their volume, bring to a boil and boil gently for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, cover and let stand 1 hour. Drain and set aside. Or just used canned beans, drained and rinsed.

Heat olive oil over low heat in a heavy-bottomed soup pot and saute onion over medium-low heat for 5 to 7 minutes. Add celery, parsley, cilantro, turmeric, cinnamon, pepper, saffron, and ginger and saute for another 2 to 3 minutes. Add tomatoes, cover, and continue to cook, stirring occasionally, over medium-low heat for another 10 to 15 minutes. Add chickpeas and white beans to the pot, along with the lentils and 2 1/2 quarts water, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, partially covered for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, or until the lentils and beans are thoroughly tender. Season to taste with salt and more pepper. Mash some of the beans against the side of the pot with a wooden spoon to thicken the broth slightly.

About 5 minutes before serving, remove 1/2 cup soup from the pot and set aside to cool. Stir spaghetti into the pot. Meanwhile, mix together egg and lemon. When the spaghetti is cooked, turn off the heat. Gradually add egg-lemon mixture to the cooled 1/2 cup soup and quickly stir into soup. Garnish with lemon slices and chopped cilantro.

Transfer Details

2009-03-26T09:26:00.009-06:00

I was kicking myself that I hadn't figured out the right day for the new moon, which is actually today. Somehow, I screwed it up and thought it was Tuesday, the day of my transfer. The new moon is the special time that I am most fertile in my cycle. It has something to do with the phase of the moon when I was born. A big snow storm threatened for Tuesday, but it totally missed us and it turned out to be a lovely sunny spring day. A second storm is hitting us now. After months of drought and one piddly snowfall, we desperately need this. I intentionally kept my snow tires on my car in case we had to drive down to The Mall in a snow storm. So I guess I'm glad we didn't have our transfer today or tomorrow to avoid this nasty weather.

As you know, I'm not particularly fond of The Mall, my nickname for the BigShotFertilityClinic HQ. I enjoy it even less after our transfer, but I made the best of it. First, The Mall looks all mall-like in the hallways, but once you go in to get your blood drawn or to the "Surgery Center", it feels like a freaking hospital. With all the money they spent on this place, I would have picked a better interior decorator. First, calling the place where you get retrievals and transfers a "Surgery Center" is not all that comforting. It was nice to have everything brought to us in our special little transfer room, but the thing felt like a cave and a hospital room all rolled into one. I suppose I could pretend like the brown walls and the windows that were too high to look out of were like planting seeds in the soil, but I was so happy to get home to my own bed after laying on the hospital bed made for midgets for over an hour. I'm not that tall and my feet were hanging off the edge getting cold.

Dr. BloSunMyCha was a ray of sunshine, as usual, during the transfer. Even his sparkly white teeth radiated! It was surreal seeing the image of our embryos projected on the flat screen monitor. After a parade of nurses that came through when we initially arrived in our transfer room, they did finally leave us alone. I asked to wait to take the valium until we had talked with our doctor. Then, no one remembered to give it to me later. I'm glad I wasn't all doped up on valium, though I was open to taking it. I was a nervous wreck when I woke up. I was having palpatations in my acupuncturist's office that morning, but a half hour after the acupuncture, I was all calm and mellow again. After I told the doc I was fine after the acupuncture, it's like he didn't care if I took the valium. I guess they are used to their patients who do have acupuncture being calm. Passing on the valium allowed me to be present to my spirit_baby in the "earthy" transfer room. I was chanting away to Deva Premal's version of "Om Namo Bhagavate" in our hour of rest time after transfer, which I think of as the Divine Love song, sending divine love to the Snow Peas. I love the images someone put together in this YouTube video. This is what I was chanting:

Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya

The good news is that the Snow Peas thawed just fine. I was told the grading is different on frozen embryos. Ours had 80% cell survival. Anything above 70% is considered good. My first thought was, what happens to the other 20%? Since the cells are not differentiated at this point in the embryo, it's not like you lose an arm or a leg. Still, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Twenty percent sounds like a lot. I suppose the numbers don't really mean much on the big scheme of things. I'll try not to worry.

I loved the image from your last comments about seeds taking root. I will visualize that today when I'm sending implantation energy to our spirit_baby. It takes time for the little sprout to emerge from it's seed, just like the embryo has to hatch out of it's zona pellucida at the blastocyst stage. Although I'm "officially" done with bed rest, I think I'll go back to bed. Thanks for all your well wishes. It does raise my spirits.

At this point there doesn't seem to be much to do anymore, except continuing to send love to our spirit_baby. You know what I'll be chanting!

The Ice Princess Melt-eth

2009-03-23T23:02:00.005-06:00

I really enjoyed all the comments on my last blog post. I was laughing at all the creative entries. Thank you everyone for helping me keep this light and fun! I really struggled with which name to choose for our totsicles (Dora, I like that too). I liked Snow Angel (Onwards and Sideways gets Honorable Mention as a close second), Yukiko, Flurry, Ben & Jerry (even though I was really looking for girl names), and Alpine. In the end, I picked totally different names.

I had one last trauma therapy appointment tonight before our transfer. I learned that part of what we do to integrate the trauma is to touch on the bad feelings from the trauma, then go to something that makes me feel good. I focused today on my garden. My hand hurt today from the power gardening I was trying to get in yesterday before I won't be able to do that kind of physical labor for awhile. This is the first year I have gotten my peas seeded before the end of March. "Peas in by St. Patrick's Day," is what I have always heard. I was a few days late, but I got it done. It's just as well that I did not get them in sooner, as we might get some snow tonight. I moved back and forth between the nasty feelings of the trauma to the wonderful feelings of my garden last year. In the aftermath of our loss, I poured all my creative energy into my garden, the best garden I have ever had. I recalled the awe inspiring encounters I had with the hummingbirds that would check me out at close range in the garden last year. I'm still feasting on frozen pesto from last year's monstrous basil harvest, and I just dug up the carrots that I left over the winter.

As I was talking to my trauma therapist, I started to think of the frozen embryo transfer as planting peas. I didn't plant just any kind of pea seeds yesterday. I planted snow peas. There was the name. My embryos are named Snow Peas! I decided that they would have the same name, because you can't plant just one pea.

I leave you with a picture of the sweet snow peas I harvested last fall. I'll be taking a break from the computer for a few days. In the meanwhile, I'll be off tending to my garden and my newly planted snow peas!!

You Know Your FET is Getting Closer When...

2009-03-20T17:02:00.005-06:00

10. Your needle sizes get larger.
9. The PIO needle starts looking more like a subcutaneous shot than a whale harpoon.
8. You look at the freezer-burnt buns in your freezer and hope your embryos will fare better.
7. Working in the office consists of checking IF blogs every hour.
6. You spend more time worrying than getting poked by needles or didlo-cams.
5. Hurry up and wait turns into "OMG, so soon"?!
4. When your husband asks, "how was your day, honey?" you no longer respond with, "eat sh*t and die!!"
3. You are starting to look like the Pillsbury Dough ~~Boy~~ Girl.
2. One minute you are crying because you know this is going to fail, and the next minute you are fantasizing about jumping on couches when you find out you are pregnant.
1. You think of cute names for your frozen embryos, like Snowflake, Nannook, and Frosty.

Which officially kicks off the "Name Phoebe's Frozen Embryos" contest. The winner will get one of their choosing:

Door #1. Phoebe's positive pee-stick, made of the finest plastic from Taiwan.
Door #2. Snowcone from authentic Rocky Mountain snow (we'll try to avoid the yellow stuff).
Door #3. Mystery gift.

Leave your:
1) "You know your FET is getting closer when..."
2) Frozen Embryo Name(s) - no more than two
3) and choice of gift in the comments!
Two winners are possible!

Game on Tuesday, March 24th!

Into the Heart of the Beast

2009-03-16T21:37:00.009-06:00

Actual conversation at Big-Shot-Fertility-Clinic:

Me: I really like these John_Fielder photos they have here. Our old clinic didn't have anything nearly as nice.

Magic: Yeah, they are gorgeous.

Me: They couldn't have been cheap (these photos are at least 4'x5'). How much do you think they cost?

Magic: At least two or three IVF cycles.

Me: Baahaahaa!

Today was the big move of the embryos from our old fertility clinic to the "new" big-shot-fertility-clinic. The conversation above took place at our cozy local satellite office, which is nothing like HQ big-shot-fertility-clinic in the big city nearby. I had heard a nick name for this place alluding to a place where kings live, but I have a new one. We walked in and the obligatory large water fountain greets your entrance. I immediately noticed the cheesy mall type music piped in all over the place. We went upstairs to wait for our shipping tank, and I could look over the balcony and watch the nervous couples sign their consent forms. I felt like I was in a friggin' mall, the music and all! They even have a "food court" with a flat screen TV! So I named this place "The Mall". It even looks like a big box store from the outside. It's really weird and not nearly as nice as our friendly local satellite office.

Our consent forms to transfer our embryos were equally weird had me in a panic the last couple of weeks. The first line says,

"While Big-Shot-Fertility-Clinic-Lab does not recommend transferring embryos from one Center to another, there are circumstances which warrant transporting patient's embryos to another program."

Gasp!! I know this is CYA, but still, I was freaking out. What had we done? Dr. BloSunMyCha reassured me that they do this kind of thing all the time. Were we putting our embryos at risk? The third line of the consent really made me second guess our decision to move our embryos:

"Embryos must be transported in a special "Dry Shipper" and it is possible for the dry shipper to fail or for the nitrogen vapors to drain out should the shipper not be placed upright. Should the embryos thaw during shipping, they will be non-viable."

I almost had a heart attack. Luckily, it is very handy to have a husband that works with liquid nitrogen tanks. He assured me that I had a greater chance of being hit by lightening than having our tank fall over and all the liquid nitrogen vapors drain out. Once we did pick up the tank, I realized that a dry shipper is very safe, even if it does tip over. The liquid nitrogen in a dry shipper is absorbed into it's walls, so there is very little liquid nitrogen left in the tank to spill out. Below is what the shipper looked like from the outside.

Magic was miffed that it didn't have wheels, like his. The protector symbol from my patronus on top of the tank is mine, not the lab's! I had to move one of the seats from the back of my car to brace the shipping tank - one of the other things I love about my new car, removable back seats! The actual tank is inside, and I didn't want to take a picture of it for fear of any cold vapors escaping!

I had hoped that I could have moved my embryos without having to talk to anyone at my old clinic. Such was not the case, unfortunately, but I was able to do it all over e-mail. The embryologist at my old clinic wrote me, "sorry to see you are moving to another program." This set off a whole slew of emotions and confirmed for me the reason I couldn't go back there. What I wanted to say to her was, "remember that e-mail you sent me that said, 'our job is to just get you pregnant, so sorry about what happened to you'?" or "you failed to have me sign some critical consent forms that should have warned us of the risks we were getting into" or "you fucking lying whore-bitch, I hope you rot in hell!!" At least we had ad nauseum consent warnings from the big-shot-fertility-clinic, hence the reason we turned down assisted hatching. We do not want to have any more procedures done to our embryos that may cause them to split. There was a bit of an uncomfortable moment when we first met the embryologist to retrieve our embryos and the remainder of Magic's 15 year old sperm. It was a brief stay, and we went on our merry way after she showed us the straw that the embryos are stored in and the two vials of remaining sperm, cursing her in my mind as we left.

I was really glad I got to personally talk to the man who will be responsible for handling our embryos. I gave him the 30 second version of our story, so he would understand our situation and hopefully prevent what happened last time. While I was pretty stressed about moving our embryos, it turned out to be relatively trivial. Magic got a snack from the "food court" before we left, and we fortuitously were able to meet Arpee from The Saga of Being Fruitful and her husband for a brief rendezvous in the parking lot on our way out. It was a nice touch of comfort after being all wound up about a potential disaster. What better place to meet your fellow blogger than at The Mall?

Show & Tell: The Ring

2009-03-15T10:23:00.008-06:00

Resourcing

Part of working with trauma is to find resources. These are resources that you find supportive and help you when you are feeling a trauma response. One of my resources is this ring:

The ring has two purposes. This is my great-grandmother's, but I more associate it with my maternal grandmother. The ring reminds me of all the nurturing that my Italian grandmother gave to me as a child. The ring and how it got here has an interesting story. My great-grandmother, who also was from Italy, came to this country with her husband. She sent her husband back to Italy to sell some land she owned and to bring the money back. He ended up bringing back this stunning diamond and sapphire ring instead. She was very angry with him because, as she said, "I can't eat that ring!" They ended up getting divorced.

My great-grandmother lived with her daughter-in-law, my grandmother who also immigrated from Italy. My grandfather, who was 1st generation Italian-American, whisked my grandmother away from Italy after knowing her for three weeks and not speaking any Italian. My grandmother did not speak English and did not learn English until my mother went to school. My grandfather was known as "the American" to the Italians, and he was my grandmother's ticket out of poverty in Italy to a better life in America. She got the ring from her mother-in-law, she gave it to my mother, and my mother gave it to me when she got too fat to wear it. As the youngest in a family of six who usually gets worn out hand-me-downs, this is one I cherish.

Coming into the Present

The second purpose of the ring is to serve as a distraction. When you are experiencing trauma, you are not present. You focus on the trauma as if it was happening now. The ring and other things that catch my eye serve to bring me back into the present. When you experience trauma, you get extremely focused. You focus only on the trauma. The point of looking around is to see the bigger picture and to focus on other things. It also helps me realize that I am not actually experiencing the trauma right now, though that is what my brain keeps replaying.

I have been struggling with re-living the trauma of my past pregnancy and loss as I get closer to our FET transfer. Some days are better than others when I am not identified with the trauma. Other days, something sets me off and I'm stuck in this doom-n-gloom feeling. The "Dream Team" that I posted about previously are part of my pool of resources. The ring reminds me of my other guardian angel, my grandmother.

Angels sponsored by Mel's Show and Tell.

How You Can Help

2009-03-13T22:49:00.008-06:00

I have intentionally not been posting all the gory details of the ups and downs of this FET cycle for me. I want to focus on the positive. Even though I am struggling with past memories of my traumatic pregnancy, I chose not to identify with that. One way not to identify with that is for me not to write about it here. I realize that this may be frustrating for you, my reader, because your natural inclination is to want to help. How can you help me if I'm not telling you what is happening during this cycle? It is possible to be empathetic without knowing all the details.

One way you can help is by leaving a comment. It really helps, even if you have to fake something. It feels supportive to me and I don't feel that people are only commenting when I'm bitching or agonizing about something or writing about something you can relate to.

Guardian Angel (1 inch tall) on top of my closet door*

Next, I have a very specific way you can help. This was in response to a request from my friend over at GeeksInRome. Yes, it has something to do with the image above. I have posted this on my private blog for those who have access: please click here. If you do not have access to my private blog, please e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com and I will e-mail you the post. I thank you in advance!

I've also been just down right busy and trying to take care of myself at the same time. That doesn't leave much time for blogging, though I have half-a-dozen blog entries written in my head. All the moping (as in mope) and goofing around I did in December and January has caught up with me at work. Ok, I had a car accident in there, so I had a good excuse for some of it, but still. Our busy season at work has started, plus I want to get some gardening done before my FET. My priority right now is communicating with my spirit baby with the little time left I have in the evening to myself. Thanks for understanding. Now leave a comment, dammit! (that's the Lupron talking, really! Where's an estrogen patch when you need one?!!)

*This is a protector angel. Notice that she has a baby in her arms. Her actual size is a little over an inch tall. She's on top of the door to my closet because that is the "Children" part of our bedroom according to the Feng Shui bagua.

Another credit to Anne_Taintor for the vintage_humor above!

Calling All Angels

2009-03-10T22:22:00.001-06:00

I was looking forward to this FET being "easy" compared to IVF, but I'd have to say that it's not. Yes, there are less shots to do and wanding and the like, but I've said before, the shots are not the hard part.

Which is why I'm looking for help wherever I can get it these days. I bought some inspirational reminders this weekend of my "army" of help. I can't always tell they are there, so it's helpful to have their representatives to cheer me up.

First up are the angels.

I've been starting at this beautiful angel with the baby in her lap at every acupuncture appointment I go to. I love her sparkly wings! I finally asked Em, my acupuncturist, where she got it. Fortunately, she bought her at a local groovy store right here in Woo-woo-ville!! She doesn't really come from here, but from here.

While I was at the local groovy store, I had to get this little figurine of my other patronus with baby patronus.

The mother owl is kinda scary looking but the baby owl was too cute to resist! I also loved the inscription that came with the owls.

Night Vision

Owl Mother teaches her
fledgling to pierce the darkness
and reveal what is hidden.

Shedding light on shadow
deepens understanding and calms fear.

This reminded me of what Walter told us that our spirit baby wanted to learn from me, so it fit perfectly.

Lastly, the Quan Yin my husband bought from me on his last trip to China. Magic and I joke that she is the finest plastic that money can buy!

"Hope" and "Courage" that flank Quan Yin were sent to me by Brenda at No Regrets. You see, I lent Brenda my Quan Yin necklace, and while her cycle was not successful, I have her lovely spirit as a support now. It's not about luck for me. It's about the heart, and Brenda's heart is big and beautiful. I will cherish carrying her love with me now in my Quan Yin necklace. Below Quan Yin are the beads I received from the women in my support group from the Blessingway we did together. I had never done a Blessingway before, and this was a powerful ceremony in which we welcomed our future children and honored the mother in all of us. I hope to do again soon.

My representatives from a mish-mash of traditions sit all together on my dresser, and I have to admit, they look kinda ridiculous together. I should spread them out in different places, but I also like to think of them as my "Dream Team".

Next up: How you can help in Calling all Angels.

BL-OSCARS

2009-03-04T20:59:00.007-07:00

I've been getting some blog-bling, and it's time to show it off. Nothing like a few good awards from fellow bloggers to make you feel good. After a craptacular start to my week, I needed a pick me up. Plus, I've been storing these up (read, procrastination). It's time to pass some of the love on.

Thanks to Clio at Dancing with Gaia for tagging me on this one.

What is expected is that I need to -
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I don't like ketchup and mustard. Never have. As a kid, I always got plain hamburgers at McDonald's. For some reason, my brothers always hated me for that. Probably because they had to wait longer for their meal while they were cooking my special order.
2. I confiscated my stepson's weed stash a few weeks ago and contemplated saving it for myself, but then flushed it down the toilet. I'm kinda regretting that now!
3. If I didn't pluck my eyebrows, they would be singular. Gotta love those Italian genes!
4. The only Italian I learned from my sweet little old Italian grandmother who religiously said a rosary every night were swear words.
5. I broke my leg first time I went downhill skiing at age 12. I never learned to downhill ski, but I actually tried snowboarding a few years ago. After bruising my tailbone, I decided that wasn't so good for my fertility.
6. I hated physics and philosophy in college.
7. I wanted to be an astronomer growing up. Upon learning that astronomy is basically physics, I bailed.
8. I love reading books that are considered childrens' books or for adolescents. I read the first four Harry Potter books in 3 1/2 weeks. Hey, I had to catch up with what my husband was reading his kids when I first met them!
9. I don't dye my hair. I have very few grey hairs. Doctors either think I do dye my hair because I'm forty-two, or they think I'm younger because I don't.
10. I'm a sucker for a man with grey hair. Move over Brad Pitt, I'm more of a George Clooney kinda gal. It's one of the things that attracted me to my husband.

I'm passing this on to the following bloggers:
1. Onward and Sideways
2. Laura at Fertility Alphabet Soup
3. Dora at ISO the Golden Egg
4. Murgden at Conceive This!
5. Geohde at Mission Impossible
6. Melissa at How to Get From 0 to Pregnant in 365 Easy Steps
7. Chicklet at Bloorb

Next, thanks to the Muser at MusingsMusingsMusings for this lovely award!

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

1. Where is your cell phone? upstairs
2. Where is your significant other? here
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Absent
5. Your father? Co-dependent
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? dreamy
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? gardening
11. Your fear? mothering
12. Where do you want to be in six years? mothering
13. Where were you last night? couch-surfing
14. What you're not? blonde
15. One of your wish list items? carpet!
16. Where you grew up? Ohio
17. The last thing you did? shots
18. What are you wearing? Car.hartts
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? cat
21. Your computer? on
22. Your mood? stressed
23. Missing someone? daughter
24. Your car? Toyota
25. Something you're not wearing? makeup
26. Favorite store? REI
27. Your Summer? surviving
28. Love someone? Magic
29. Your favorite color? rainbow
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I nominate the "I heart your blog" award to the following lovely women and man:
1. RetroGirl at Life Through My Lens
2. Ashley at Planet Davila
3. Luna at Life from Here: Musings from the edge
4. Cassandra at Baby Smiling in the Back Seat
5. Mo and Will at Life and Love in the Petri Dish
6. Loribeth at The Road Less Traveled
7. Kate at Gluten Free Gobsmacked

Finally, a big thanks to Brenda at No Regrets for giving me the "Uber Amazing Blog!" award. I'd give it to her too, but someone beat me to it! She really made my day at the time she gave me this award. It was embarrassingly too long ago to admit when she gave it to me, but thanks just the same!

Here is a little bit about the award:

The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of the award are:
1-Put the logo on your blog or post.
2- Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that for you are uber amazing.
3- Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog
4-Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.
5-The envelope please...

1. The Muser at MusingsMusingsMusings.
2. Eurydice at Geeks in Rome
3. Spicy Sister
4. The Duck's big ol' blog of how to build a nest
5. Lori at Weebles Wobblog

Choosing was difficult. There are a lot of great blogs out there. I hope all blogs will get an award at some point, if we just keep passing the good mojo on!

Show & Tell: Car Shop

2009-03-01T08:45:00.012-07:00

Today's Show & Tell is titled Car Shop, a spoof off my favorite car radio show Car_Talk. After a fender bender in December that ended up totaling my 2000 Toyota RAV4, I was in the market for another car. I asked readers in a poll which car they think I should buy:

1) Same car as I'd had, 2000 Toyota RAV4
2) Toyota RAV4, Newer Model
3) Subaru Outback
4) Subaru Forester

Before you scroll down to the bottom and see what kind of car I ended up buying, read through this entire post. You might learn something about car safety!

I loved my old car, so my inclination was to purchase the same thing. Nobody voted for this one, which was a good idea. I decided to think like a mommy and check out what mother's recommended for safe vehicles. I found this website called MotherProof that has all kinds of car reviews. This website doesn't have any reviews of cars older than 2006, so it didn't really help me there in the used car market I was looking at. It did educate me on car safety by watching this video on crash-testing. The video was produced by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS). I perused their safety ratings for my 2000 Toyota RAV4, and basically learned that it was a death trap. Had I been in a serious car accident, I could have been injured for life! I also learned by comparing ratings that the government organization that does crash tests, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, doesn't have nearly as comprehensive testing or ratings for car safety. Lesson learned, if you want to check a car you are considering to purchase for safety ratings, go to the IIHS.

No one voted on my poll for the Subaru Outback, which was also a good idea. While the Subaru Outback and Forester have the best safety ratings out of all the compact SUVs I was looking at, I just plain didn't like driving the Outback. The Subaru Forester got second in my poll. It was OK, but I didn't like some of the features it had compared to the RAV4. I did like the 2009 Subaru Foresters, though out of my price range, probably because Toyota bought Subaru a few years ago. Foresters are lookin' a lot like RAV4s these days!

Then, there was another compact SUV that I did not put on the poll, the Honda CRV. I wanted to love the Honda CRV, really I did! The 2005-2006 models I was looking at were nicely updated with lots of storage room and I could find it in a manual transmission. I no longer felt like I was driving a bus, as I did with the 2000 Honda CRV. It made perfect sense to buy this car as it was larger than my old RAV4, but still small enough to feel like a compact car. The problem was the seats. After test driving a couple of different ones, I'd always have a backache or buttache afterward.

The RAV4 won out in the end. I bought a 2005 Toyota RAV4. This was the last year of the older model before the RAV4s got bigger in 2006 and got rid of the manual transmission. I found one with a stick shift and low miles. The engine is upgraded from my old RAV4 from 2.0 liter 122 horsepower to 2.4 liter 144 horsepower. For a 4-cylinder engine, this car has pep and is much more fun to drive than my old RAV4. Upgraded safety features for this RAV4 include antilock brakes and side curtain airbags. To compare the IIHS safety ratings of my old versus new RAV4s (more detail can be found on their website):

2000 Toyota RAV4
Frontal Crash Test: Marginal
Side Impact: Poor

2005 Toyota RAV4
Frontal Crash Test: Good
Side Impact: Good

Reader's Choice wins! "Toyota RAV4, Newer Model" got the most votes. The view of my new/used 2005 Toyota RAV4 from my driveway:

See what the rest of the class is showing off this week at Mel's Show and Tell.

Signs

2009-02-27T09:38:00.003-07:00

On Monday, I was seriously questioning if I was moving forward in the right direction. I was terrified of becoming a mother. I needed guidance. During these times when my animal brain has a grip on me, I seek out wisdom from the divine.

One of the tools that was used in my support group was a variety of oracle cards. I used to have a deck long ago of spirit animal cards. It had been a long time since I had used any cards on a regular basis. Living in Woo-woo-ville, using cards like these isn't such a stretch. Now, I'm as woo-woo as it gets, so I don't mind this kinda stuff. I gravitated towards these magical cards:

These are beautiful purple cards with gold gilding on the edges. Each card has a different but beautiful drawing of a fairy with a message.

When I got to our local New_Age bookstore, I noticed that the author of these cards had a dozen types of these "oracle" cards. I thought, how do I know if I should have the Angel cards or the Goddess cards? I mean, I think angels are pretty cool. There were a half a dozen decks lined up at the cash register open so you could check them out. I pulled a card from the Angel deck. It said, "Fairies" across the top with the inscription, "Fairies are nature's angels. You are destined to heal Mother Earth". "Wow!" I thought. I heal Mother Earth in my job. Fairies deck it is!! I also got a Pema_Chodron calendar half off.

When I went home, I asked a question to be answer by my new cards. I asked, "What guidance can you give about my fears of being a mother?" I pulled this tear jerking card as an answer:

Children
Your connection with children
is part of your life's purpose.

When I went to work the next day, I put up my new Pema_Chodron calendar, "Awakening the Heart". This calendar has quotes from Pema's book "When_Things_Fall_Apart", which is a book I read about 11 years ago when my life fell apart. The quote for February said this:

The trick is to keep exploring, and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we though. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought.

I thought about bailing out of our FET, but it was coming from a place of fear, from my survial instinct. Part of me, a strong part, feels like I'm going to lose my life if I have children, which is true on some level. The life that I have known will die, but what will be the life that will blossom?? Pregnancy was nothing like I thought it would be. It was a nightmare for me. I will never know how it will be to have a child if I don't jump off that cliff again into the great chasm. I just hope I will be caught. Or maybe, I'll grow wings and learn how to fly?

Most importantly, when I sense into my heart, I can feel my love for my spirit baby. I can feel my love for my embryos. I don't feel right leaving them frozen in suspended animation forever.

We are moving forward.

Where Can I Find a Mother Mentor?

2009-02-23T10:07:00.005-07:00

My last post detailed my minor freak out and fallout. I got over it, life was hunky dory, until this morning. It's hard to say exactly what triggers a panic attack, but they are most unsettling when it's the first thing you wake up to in the morning. I could go over the potential triggers, but when it comes down to it, it really has to do with my mother. I've been thinking this past week that people who have neglectful or crazy mothers do not come out of it unscathed.

I'm have second doubts on the eve of starting my Lu.pron shots for my FET. Make that third, fourth, fifth, and sixths doubts. We could count all the way up to a million if you like, or a billion trillion kajillion. I don't think I'll ever feel ok with being a mother on some level. I never had that base in my life. Perhaps the terror of being abandoned at an early age is what is being triggered. I don't know. I know I'm not crazy because when I don't think about being a mother, I'm fine.

Someone in my support group had a brilliant idea. There have to be mothers out there who would like to be a support to women like me. My idea is of a woman who's children have grown and is the motherly type who would really enjoy mentoring a future-mother-to-be. Kinda like a Big-Mother program, modeled off the Big-Sister program. I don't have any friends or relatives in my life who could fill this role for me, at least none that I can think of. My mother is out, for both emotional and physical reasons. My aunt could have worked, but since she's dead and I'm not very good at communicationg with spirits, then she's not an option either. I think a doula or mid-wife could fit this role, but I'd rather it be someone who isn't charging me money. I want to know that this person is going to be with me thick or thin, check or no check. Does anyone know of a mother-mentoring program like this?

Yeah, I've been on BCPs for four weeks, but I could just bail on it all right now. As it is, I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, and that is not how I want to be a mother. I've been a step-mother, so I know I can handle the logistical parts of being a mother. The whole everything-will-be-fine-when-I-get-pregnant thing does not work for me. Been there, done that, and it just intensifies these fears for me. I know that when it comes down to it, I will have to go through this alone, but I just don't know if I can.

Disturbance in the Force

2009-02-20T21:37:00.005-07:00

I got my box of medicines in the mail today for our FET. Magic said to me, "did you get everything you wanted?" I said, "I got everything, but it wasn't what I wanted." I can only imagine this is probably a similar response Brenda over at No Regrets would have had to her news today. Please go over and give her support as she grieves from her latest loss from IVF#3.

I woke up one day this week with a mild panic attack. It was reminiscent of the half hour to hour long panic attacks I used to wake up with when I was pregnant. I talked about my fears of my life changing after having a child. I talked about the challenges of finding a new shrink. I was getting all worked up describing the nine phone calls and how Magic told me he would have given up after four. I could feel my stress rising, the hopelessness creeping in. When I was done pouring out my fears, the person I was telling it to looked at me with a blank stare back and a flat response,

"I'm sure you will find someone,"

meaning I would find a new shrink. I didn't know if that blank stare was a "are you effin' crazy?" or the realization that she indeed was dealing with a nut case? It was as if I was flashing back to the time when I really needed help. Everyone who I reached out to had the same exact response. Either, they didn't know what to say or they just assumed I'd work it out or they thought someone else would take care of me. Or they were just too apathetic to give a damn. Or they were flabbergasted when I wasn't all happy when I should have been. You get pregnant and then life is all sunshine and roses, right? It's like the many responses I got around the issue. When I recently asked my mom if she would be there for me to help me through pregnancy, she said, "what's there to help you with? You get pregnant, and you have a baby. What's the big deal?" It's that moment when you realize the person you are talking to can't help you. Then, you feel like no one can. Totally alone. Doomed.

I tried my trauma tricks, but they would only work for a little while. I was back to obsessing about being abandoned again after a short reprive. I felt completely vulnerable.

Eventually, some exercise and a determination not to let this define me snapped me out of it. But I couldn't help but notice as I was writing this post, that reminders of my upcoming FET were all around me - my meds, my instructions, the latest notes I had taken from talking with my nurse, the cold formal legal documents e-mailed from the new fertility lab stating that they don't recommend transfering embryos from one clinic to another. I found it interesting that they had the time to look up my e-mail address instead of returning my phone call today. These were not happy reminders.

When I sit in the moment and just be, I am happy. I find this more comforting than thinking about the needles I am about to stick in my flesh. When I commune with my spirit baby, I feel soothed. We are in this together. She makes me feel happy. I don't worry about the liquid nitrogen vapors releasing when I transfer my embryos, prematurely thawing them out and killing them. I'm a jumble of emotions, thoughts and fears.

Two Pack Habit

2009-02-18T22:31:00.009-07:00

Don't you just love handing over your reproductive organs and hormones to a complete stranger? Just as long as I'm not spotting through another friggin' pack of birth control pills. At one point, it was more like a light period. I thought you weren't supposed to bleed on these things?! I'm a two packer this time around. Actually, I'm happy I started my second pack (back to back) because I'm no longer spotting. Only, I can't tell if my mini-meltdowns are pill induced or just my usual crazy self? Can't wait till I start the estrogen patches! I'll have a estro-tini!

Just popping in to show that I am still alive. I haven't been carted away to the funny farm yet, though sometimes, I really think that's where I should be.

Credit to Anne_Taintor for her vintage humor. I love her stuff!

Shrink Shop

2009-02-09T21:53:00.003-07:00

Let's review the checklist of things I need to complete before getting pregnant:

Buy a Car
Shop for a Shrink: I predicted this would take longer than buying a car. I am so far correct.
Finish 2008 taxes: I so loathe having to do this. Isn't there another blog I need to catch up on?

I did buy the car, which should be the topic of a future post, as I learned a lot of interesting things about car safety along the way. Basically, reader's choice won out!

On my mind now is the search for a new psychiatrist. I really wanted to find someone who specializes in treating pre-natal depression and anxiety and have it set up before my FET. I'm finding out a lot of good reasons for this.

It took me 3 weeks to do the research and make an appointment.
Once I did make the appointment today, it will be another four weeks before I could actually get in to see this specialist. I don't even know yet if this doctor will work for me.

The lesson is that this process takes a long time, which I already knew. If you have any inkling that you think you will have a problem with mental health during your pregnancy, you do want to find your psychiatrist before getting pregnant. If you are like me and thought that once you got pregnant that all your depression about not having children would vanish in a wave of euphoria, then you are going to be in big trouble. Once my mental health took a turn for the worse after the euphoria of initially finding out I was pregnant passed, I did not have the capacity to go through the search for a psychiatrist. I did try, but gave up after a few discouraging phone calls. Now that I am sane again, I can handle what seemed, when I was pregnant, an overwhelming task. I truly was sick at the time and needed help right away, not two months later. It's a sad story, but this is the reality of our ailing healthcare system.

Let's review the ~~crap~~ process I've already gone through in my search. First, I asked my RE for recommendations for psychiatrists in my area that specialize in prenatal depression. It took him a week to find those and get back to me. Of the two, one woman psychiatrist said that prenatal depression was not her specialty, but she could see me. She also gave me an off comment like, sounds like you just want medication management and not therapy, and that's not what I do. I didn't like how she misinterpreted my questions, so she was scratched off the list. Plus she is out of network with my insurance. With the next psychiatrist, I first had to get through the misinformation from his newly hired receptionist to find out that he does have some patients with prenatal depression he is currently treating, though it is not specifically his specialty. The problem with this guy is that he is out of network with my insurance and insanely expensive, $150 for half an hour. I'm always amazed that out of network shrinks won't work with you on their price. Scratched off the list. Next, take on the in network list of psychiatrist.

First, I called my insurance company to get a list of psychiatrists in my area. I had to endure the, "are you contemplating suicide?" before I could even ask my question. I was then given a bunch of misinformation and sent a list of psychologists, not psychiatrists that I had asked for. I decided just to do the search myself than frustrate myself with incompetent "mental health specialists" at my insurance company.

I printed off a list of all the psychiatrists within 25 miles of my house who are covered by my insurance and narrowed the list of 54 down to 6 women psychiatrists in my town or adjacent towns. Of the six, one had closed her practice, and four worked with other specialties. I did find one psychiatrist who does specialize in treating prenatal depression and anxiety, but only after talking with another male psychiatrist's office. I called her office four times in a week and did not get a response. I was a bit frustrated, but decided if I didn't get through this week, then forget it. Maybe they were on vacation last week, I don't know. I would have given up on this female psychiatrist, but I was going to make an appointment with another male psychiatrist who I was told specializes in prenatal depression by his receptionist. However, I had to call yet another person to actually make the appointment. When I talked to the appointment lady, she referred me to this other female psychiatrist instead.

Did I lose you yet? Yes, it was complicated and I'm going into all the detail to show how much research one has to do to find the right person. When you are in the throwes of serious depression and trauma, you can't deal with this overwhelming task. My other support fell apart too, because people, including my husband, were not used to seeing me my normal assertive-take-charge-in-control-self fall apart to a whimpering mass of protoplasm. I related this whole shrink shopping story to my husband, and he said he would have given up after the 4th psychiatrist. I called a total of NINE psychiatrists before finding the one, and I have not even interviewed her yet to find out if she will be a good match!!

Don't depend on your fertility clinic to help you out either. While my new RE did try to get me the proper referrals, which is more than I can say for my old RE who just pawned me off on their clinic psychologist who I didn't care for, the referrals were not psychiatrists who specialize in prenatal depression or postpartum depression! If a fertility clinic has their own psychologists, they specialize in treating the stress and depression that comes with infertility, not after you get pregnant. I believe the assumption, which was mine also, is that all would be well after getting pregnant. There are women like me, who have problems with all the hormones of pregnancy and it affects their mental health. As far as I can tell, it's similar to post-partum depression, though the actual mechanism in the brain is probably a bit different.

When I was pregnant and depressed and anxious, the doctors I was seeing either 1) ignored my depression or 2) judged me for not taking the Prozac I was prescribed. When an anti-depressant makes you more anxious, you don't have much motivation to take it! Hence the reason I am insisting on seeing a specialist in the area of prenatal depression and anxiety. If a doctor had said to me, "here is the specialist you should see that is covered by my insurance" that would have helped a lot. But out of three doctors who saw the state I was in, none of them gave me any recommendations for a psychiatrist. You truly have to be your own mental health advocate, and when you are mentally unhealthy, all you want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there. I did the best I could at the time, and I really wasn't seeing the right people. I hope I don't go through the same thing again, but I'm going to be prepared this go around.

Ed note: Upon proofreading this for the 10th time, I finally noticed that I started off with "before getting pregnant" not "before my FET". I was going to change it, but then I thought, how cool is that?

Isolation

2009-02-03T12:40:00.006-07:00

I think there must come a time in every woman's infertility journey that she feels isolated. I've been feeling that way myself in the past day. It doesn't matter how many support groups I attend, forums I join, or infertility blogs I have subscribed to in my google reader, I still have moments when I feel like I'm alone and have no one to talk to.

I got an e-mail from the psychologist who runs the support group I used to attend in the big city a bit too far from my house. I intentionally keep my story private because I worry it will isolate me from others even more. Yet I also know there are those out there who would benefit from my story. It's a conundrum for me. She had this to say about it:

Anyone who doesn't respond to your - or anyone's - story with openness and an attempt at empathy doesn't know what they themselves has lived.

I was touched by this. It reminded me of some of the people in my enlightenment training group. Some have been through horrendous abuse as children. I do not need to know the details nor do I need to have had experienced something similar myself to have compassion for them. I've grown in my experience down this path of trying to have a baby the not-so-old-fashioned-way. I've learned to open my heart to women I never thought I had the capacity to. It has opened my eyes and heart to the struggles of all women.

So please understand when I don't share the particulars of my history. It's traumatizing to me. As I get closer to my FET, I relive the horror of my previous pregnancy. It's not something I can really explain very well. It's a feeling; a feeling of impending doom. I also understand now that my trauma goes back to experiences in other lifetimes around pregnancy. I can't explain that because I don't understand it. I'm not even sure I really believe it, but at the same time it makes perfect sense to me. Apparently, I'm still working out trauma from these other lifetimes too. Today, all I know is that I feel incapacited by it all. I know I am still grieving, for all the losses, this lifetime, and others, no matter how strange it may sound.

The Quest for the Holy Grail

2009-01-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flo arrived a bit early, so I started BCPs on Monday night. This pretty much describes how I feel on the left. I tried to see if there was a way to take less BCPs, but I'm invested in the date I chose for my FET transfer, so it means taking a crap load more BCPs, as in 30+ days. So far, so good. I think either the side effects haven't really kicked in, or this is a different type of BCPs than I took at the other clinic, and it's better for me. My mood is surprisingly good. I had a few freak out moments in making the decision to go ahead now with the BCPs, as in, "OMG, this is really happening and I hope it won't be like last time" freak out.

Here I am, groveling again. I'm kinda hoping it will be like this scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail:

Sorry to beg! If any of you gals have some spare meds floating around your closet that you don't need anymore, I would very much appreciate any donations. Although FET is a lot cheaper (*cough*) than IVF, we are still feeling the squeeze with Magic out of work right now (says as she averts eyes...). I will need the following:

Lu.pron, not generic
Vi.velle 0.1mg patches
P.IO
End.ometrin

Please e-mail me at phoebephoenixtalesatgmaildotcom if you can help.

A huge THANK YOU goes out to my two angels who have already helped me out. You know who you are! Wouldn't it be cool if we had a Sal.vation Army type place that would offer to pick up your left over donated meds from your house and distribute them to those who need them?

Gluten Free Fridays: Pork & Green Chili Stew

2009-01-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

Some of my readers have asked me what is the best diet for egg quality? I think that you have to take fertility diet recommendations and find what works for you. Listen to your body after you eat certain foods. Do they make you bloated, for example?

I have had good results with Chinese medicine for gynecological problems. In Chinese medicine, it is recommended to avoid wheat, along with other foods, for optimum fertility. Angela Wu, author of Fertility Wisdom recommends the following:

Avoid

Wheat
Refined Sweets
Dairy
Processed or bleached foods
Coffee and soft drinks
Alcohol
Iced, chilled, or frozen foods or drinks
Deep fried foods

Foods like wheat and dairy are considered "cooling" foods in Chinese medicine, and you don't want anything cooling off your reproductive organs! Wheat and dairy are also considered "damp" foods or phlem producing foods. These are kinda vague and mysterious terms to Westerners. When I stopped eating dairy, the first thing I noticed is that my nose cleared up. Very literally, dairy creates phlem. In the reproductive organs, I think excesses of these foods can exacerbate problems like fibroids and polyps. Cold, damp, and/or phlem producing foods basically restrict blood flow to the uterus and ovaries or life force energy flow to these organs, called Chi or Qi in Chinese. Wheat and dairy are staples in the average Western diet, so you can imagine what it does to our reproductive organs! When maximizing your fertility, you want to make sure you have good blood flow to your reproductive organs. Diet is only one of the key elements to improving blood flow and Qi to your girly parts. But enough blathering, let's eat!

Recipe Remodel

When I get bored with my usual meals and all my cookbooks, I get on the web and search for new recipes. This week on Gluten Free Fridays, I'll show you how to remodel a gluten laden recipe to make it gluten free and delicious. I found this recipe for Pork & Green Chili Stew on Rec.ipezaar (wwwdotrecipezaardotcom).

BEFORE RECIPE REMODEL:

Ingredients:

POTATO SOUP BASE

2-3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 large onion, chopped
1-2 clove garlic, minced
3/4 teaspoon cumin (or more)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper (or more!)
1 teaspoon oregano

PORK

1-2 lb pork tenderloin, cut into bite-size pieces
1 cup flour
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper (or more)

TO FINISH

4-6 red potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
3 (4-5 1/3 ounce) cans whole green chilies, roughly cut
5 cups chicken broth
1 (15 ounce) can hominy

Directions:

POTATO SOUP BASE: Heat oil in 2 quart saucepan, add all ingredients, cover and simmer for 5 minutes.
Set aside.
PORK Dredge pork chunks in the flour mixture, heat vegetable oil in a sturdy Dutch oven or soup pot, and cook the pork in batches till browned.
Once you're done, place all the pork back in the pot.
Add the SOUP BASE, and potatoes,chilies,chicken broth,and hominy.
Bring to a boil,then simmer for 45 minutes to an hour.
Creative Additions-- For a richer flavor, add sour cream to the soup base.
Use shredded Cheddar or Monterey Jack for garnish.
Serve with tortilla chips or Saltines.
I sometimes add Frank's Hot Sauce to MY bowl.

There are some obvious problems with this recipe, such as the flour the pork gets dredged in. I first substituted this with a gluten-free flour mix, but discovered this whole step with dredging the pork was a pain-in-the-ass, and tasted just as good without doing all that. Besides, who has time to do all that? I mean, having a baby the non-old fashion way is just plain expensive, so you have to work hard to pay off all those loans. You don't want recipes that have you laboring in the kitchen for hours. Here is my new and improved gluten-free, expedited version of this recipe:

AFTER RECIPE REMODEL:

Pork and Green Chili Stew

Ingredients:

POTATO SOUP BASE

2-3 tablespoons vegetable oil or olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
1-2 clove garlic, minced, or more
1 Tablespoon cumin (or more)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper (or more!)
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon of chili powder (or more); note, I use straight chili powder from this company, the New Mexico red mild. I like it because there is no other crap in it. You have to be careful with spices that there are not fillers you can not pronounce or contain gluten.
1/2 to 1 teaspoon of garlic salt or salt, to taste

PORK

1-2 lb pork tenderloin, cut into bite-size pieces (1/2" cubes); note: if you don't have time to cut up pork tenderloin, substitute with ground pork. This version is shown above in the photo.
season with garlic salt and fresh ground black pepper

TO FINISH

4-6 red potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
3 (4-5 1/3 ounce) cans diced green chilies
5 cups chicken broth
1 (15 oz) can diced tomatoes

Directions:

POTATO SOUP BASE: Heat oil in 2 quart saucepan, add all ingredients, cover and simmer for 5 minutes.
Set aside.
PORK Brown pork chunks on medium heat with a little vegetable oil and season with garlic salt and ground black pepper. Cook the pork in batches till all is browned.
Once you're done, place all the pork back in the pot with the SOUP BASE.
Add to the SOUP BASE the potatoes, chilies, chicken broth, and diced tomatoes.
Bring to a boil, then simmer for 45 minutes to an hour uncovered until the potatoes start breaking down. Stir hard or stir with a sturdy whisk to let the potatoes naturally thicken the green chili.
Serve with sides of your choice, like guacamole, Chocolate tortilla chips (I kid you not! Probably not the best fertility food, but it's better than a chocolate bar!), and brown rice tortillas. Don't forget some slices of fresh lime too!

Show & Tell: Gluten Free Fridays

2009-01-25T12:41:00.009-07:00

On last week's Gluten Free Fridays, I featured squash in the New Mexican Stew recipe. I also shared a story about my squash purchasing adventures this past fall. Here's what's left of the 70 pounds of squash I bought. From left to right, we have butternut squash, a mixture of carnival and sweet dumpling squash, acorn squash, and one large banana squash that I have yet to figure out what I am going to do with. I've heard it tastes like pumpkin. Is that like weird meats that people say taste like chicken? In the front from left to right is the remaining pie pumpkin, a quickly shriveling buttercup squash, and one more acorn squash. Since I don't have a proper root cellar, all the green on the acorn and carnival squashes have turned orange. I've already eaten all the spaghetti squash, so they are not pictured here. Spaghetti squash is a great substitute for pasta!

It's a good thing I hauled out all the squash from the basement to photograph. A couple of these are past their prime and need to be eaten immediately. I found one pie pumpkin squash that had disintegrated into a moldy puddle. Lesson learned: the pie pumpkins do not keep and really should be eaten at Thanksgiving. That was my intention, of course. The butternut squash is holding up the best so far, as well as the acorn squash. The spaghetti squash seem to keep forever. I had one I bought in the fall of 2007 that I ate last fall, and it was fine. I'm trying to keep up on the carnival and sweet dumplings, that look exactly alike, but I bought so many of them, it's hard. These two squashes are like delicata squash, but moister, hence the reason I bought them and not the delicatas. I could not find my favorite squash this year, amber cup. It does not grow well in my state. If you ever find it, get it. It's like buttercup squash, but it's orange and tastes like pumpkin pie. Yum!

This Show and Tell is really supposed to be a shameless plug for Gluten Free Fridays. Gluten, including wheat, is often one diet item that many women are told not to eat if they want to improve their fertility. Infertility can be linked to undiagnosed celiac disease or gluten intolerance. I have the latter. My intention for Gluten Free Fridays is to offer some educational information on why gluten can be problematic for fertility and other health reasons, and to feature a gluten free recipe as well. It can be overwhelming to exclude gluten or wheat from your diet, but I'm here to tell you it's possible and you won't miss it! It took me a long time to say that, but I seriously do not miss eating gluten foods. OK, well maybe pizza, but I can't eat the cheese that goes on it anyways. My recipes are also dairy free, with options for cheese toppings. I also try to include vegetarian variations as well.

Any guesses on how many pounds of squash are left, as pictured above? I was a little surprised at the answer myself. I will reveal the answer tomorrow, so take your guesses in the comments!

Answer: And the winning number is...40 pounds!! The banana squash alone weights 10 pounds, so if you subtract that from the original 70 pounds, I've basically eaten half the squash. I've had this stash for 3 months and I still have half to go?! Oh my! I loved the commenter who guessed 75 pounds! They are multiplying like tribbles!!

Don't be scared away by Mel's Show and Tell title this week. It's really quite tasteful and touching, with a dash of humor thrown in!

The Fun Decisions Begin

2009-01-24T12:02:00.003-07:00

I thought I would have a few more days before I would have to think about this, but on the other hand, I'm really happy that Aunt Flo is here! I have this feeling I'm going to be starting BCPs on Monday, though I don't really want to be taking them as long as I'll have to take them. I'll discuss it with the nurse on Monday. I've got all the dates worked out on a spreadsheet. You need a friggin' Ph.D. to practically figure out this FET schedule. I thought IVF was complicated! I did briefly entertain the idea of a natural FET, but I'm not taking any chances with my less than optimal hormonal output these days.

The thing that worries me the most with this FET is moving my embryos. I decided that I am going to pick them up and take them to my new clinic. If I do it by courier, they pack the embryos up the evening before at around 5pm, and then they sit around in a tank of liquid nitrogen to be delivered by 10am the next day. My clinics are only 9.2 miles apart, so I'm going to do it myself. I remember when I was a bit worried when I physically moved my husband's sperm, which was a much longer distance. Back then, I didn't give myself enough time to do it by courier, so they packed his swimmers in dry ice, and I made the hand off myself. They had to be moved once more, that time in a liquid nitrogen tank. They seemed to have survived just fine, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much about my embryos since this delivery will be much less complicated. With so much at stake, it's hard not to worry. I'm kinda attached to those little blobs of cells.

Gluten Free Fridays: New Mexican Stew

2009-01-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

This week's Gluten Free Fridays is brought to you by Karina's Kitchen Recipes, a fabulous gluten-free blog. Karina's blog used to be called "The Gluten Free Goddess", which really, she is. I know this picture does not do this recipe justice. I usually like to actually cook a recipe before I post it on GFF. This picture was kind of an after thought, and is a picture I took at work today of leftovers from last night's dinner. Go over to Karina's blog if you want a more tantalizing picture of this recipe.

Of course, we must have a little story before we delve into the recipe. This past fall, I was on a quest to get the cheapest winter squash I could find. Our local Farmer's Market has gotten pretty pricey in the last few years. I was hoping the last one of the season would have some deals, but I ended up working that Saturday. The next day, November 2nd, I went to one local farmer's stand to see if they had any squash left. They were packing up all the squash they had left to sell off to Whole ~~Paycheck~~ Foods, and I asked if I could still get some. They said, sure, $30 for a box. Now this was a pretty big box. I loaded it up with butternut squash, spaghetti squash, carnival squash, sweet dumpling squash, one big banana squash that I still don't know what I'm going to do with, and one buttercup squash that I found hiding among some other funky looking squashes. I got help loading my ginormous box into my car, and the man said, "you got a good deal there. That box weighs at least 70 pounds." I though, "yeah, right." When I got home, I weighed the box. I almost threw my back out. Sure enough, it weighed 70 pounds. I probably have at least half or more of it left. If you have never seen 70 pounds of squash, let me assure you that it's a lot of squash!! I'm always looking for good squash recipes to whittle down my 70 pounds, and this is one is a keeper.

New Mexican Stew
by Karina Allrich at glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com

This is verbatum from Katrina's blog, with a few edits from me in italics. You can get a nice printable copy if you go over there. Just scroll down to the bottom of the post, and it will give you an option for a printer friendly version.

I used ground turkey in this green chile stew recipe but you could also use chicken, pork, or black beans.

Turn on your slow cooker to high or low as you prefer. You can also cook this recipe on the stove top.

You'll need:

1 lb. fresh ground turkey, chicken or pork (or use 1 15-oz can organic black beans for vegan)
1 onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder- hot or mild, to taste
1 1/2 cups peeled butternut squash, diced
2 large or white gold potatoes, peeled, diced
3 medium carrots, chopped
1 cup roasted chopped green chiles- mild or hot, to taste
1 quart chicken broth- or vegan broth
Sea salt and ground pepper, to taste

Before serving:

Juice from 1 large juicy lime
2-3 tablespoons fresh chopped cilantro
1-2 teaspoons raw sugar or agave nectar, as needed

First- brown the ground turkey in a skillet and pour off the fat, if any. Add the turkey to the slow cooker/Crock Pot and add the remaining ingredients- through sea salt and ground pepper. Stir to combine. Cover and cook- on high or low- according to manufacturer's instructions until done.

To cook on the stove top:

Saute the onions and garlic until translucent.
Add the squash, potatoes, carrots, and spices and give a stir.
Add the broth, chilis and optional black beans. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer.
While the soup is cooking, brown the ground turkey and add to the soup.
I cook the soup until the squash and potatoes get so mushy, they breakdown when you stir the soup hard. This way, they thicken the soup and you don't have to add anything else to do so. This will take a minimum of 45 minutes. If you don't want the soup thick, you can cook it until the the squash and potatoes are soft, at least 20 minutes.

About 20 minutes before serving (about 10 minutes on the stove top), stir in the lime juice and cilantro; taste test (editor's note: I skipped this part, and it was fine, but probably tastes better with a little lime juice and cilantro topping. If you don't have time for this step, leave it out as optional). Add a dab of sweetener, if needed, to balance the spice. If you need a tad more liquid, add more broth. Heat through. Serve with warm gluten-free tortillas, blue corn muffins or yeasted cornbread. Serves 4.

Playback

2009-01-21T19:50:00.005-07:00

When I got home yesterday, it was there. I waited over a month for it, the recording from The Reading. I was anxious when I started listening to it. My heart was pounding. As I listened, I heard a lot of details that I hadn't remembered. The details were important. I'm glad I got the recording. Now, I'm transcribing the whole reading.

I'm feeling a lot better about our scheduled FET. I'm feeling more clear about where our sp*rit baby is coming from. I'm feeling a lot more confident. I need to go into it feeling confident. That's what our sp*rit baby needs.

You would think this would make me less of a basket case about the whole thing. Sadly, I melted down into a woe-is-me-everyone-else-is-having-their-babies tonight. I'm still anxious and sad about the whole thing.

I talked with Michael about the kind of car I'm shopping for. "If we have a kid, we are going to need more room because we will be shleping around a lot more stuff."

"And I'm going to need a bigger car, because she's coming."

S&T: Spare a Comment?

2009-01-18T13:30:00.020-07:00

Apparently, I missed delurking day, whenever that was. But then there was National Delurking Week, the second week of January. Oh, I missed that too. But I had fun trying to figure out when it was and looking at all the captions created for it. I'm officially extending National Delurking Day/Week to today, tomorrow, yesterday, the week after, whenever!! Do I hear a National Delurking Month for us procrastinators out there? You haven't missed your chance, if you still want to. Everybody's doing it, you know.

But seriously, I'd love to know who my readers are. We're having a party here at ToP and you're all invited!

Please don't be shy. Vote for your favorite delurking decal and say hi!

Who else is exposing themselves at Mel's Show & Tell?

Gluten Free Fridays: Kale & White Bean Soup

2009-01-16T21:48:00.004-07:00

If you have "unexplained infertility", you may consider getting tested for celiac disease or gluten sensitivity. One of my favorite websites for a compendium of gluten related diseases is The Gluten File. A couple of years ago when I was trying to get to the bottom of my intestinal and uterine problems, I got to know the author of this website through a forum on neurological diseases related to gluten. When that forum crashed, Cara, the author, lost a lot of her data that she had compiled through many posts. She then decided it was time to create this website, which is a wealth of information.

The Gluten File
Interested in the effects of gluten on fertility? Go to the right menu on the home page of The Gluten File and click on Infertility and Miscarriage. Cara painstakenly searches the PubMed abstracts regularly and links them on her website. Most of her links are from abstracts of published medical literature.

If you think about it, bowel health and reproductive health go hand-in-hand. If you are familiar with your anatomy, the female reproductive organs are sandwiched between the rectum and the bladder. I don't know who thought to put the baby making organs between two septic areas in the body. I think it's a bad design, personally. Take my anatomy for instance. Normally, the uterus lies over the bladder. I'm special in that I have a retroverted uterus, which means it's tipped back more near my rectum. I used to have leaky-gut syndrome, so I can't help but think that all that poo was leaking next to my uterus. This also happens to be the area I tend to get the fibroids, on the back side of my uterus where it's close to my rectum. I know, eww! You can also find information on Leaky Gut Syndrome on The Gluten File.

What's the big deal about Leaky Gut Syndrome? I'm glad you asked. Leaky gut syndrome can lead to gluten sensitivity, as in my case, as well as lots of other food sensitivity issues. Taking lots of antibiotics and NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs), like ibuprofen, can cause leaky gut syndrome. After my laproscopic myomectomy in 2006 to remove uterine fibroids, my intestines were a wreak. I took a lot of ibuprofen, which I thought was safer than the other heavy duty pain killers I was prescribed, but they destroyed my small intestines. I did not know this at the time, and I did stool test after test with my GP to figure out what I had. All the tests came back negative. I think my doctor was beginning to question my sanity. At one point, my doctor had me tested for HIV. I was a bit insulted, but I did the test to humor her. I knew it wasn't all in my head. I just had to find the right doctor to work with.

I finally figured out by doing my own research that my local hospital did not test for all possible intestinal pathogens. I got fed up and went to an acupuncturist who specializes in gastrointestinal disorders. I got the proper testing, and was diagnosed with bacterial dysbiosis, which means I had an imbalance of bad bacteria in my gut. He treated me with Chinese herbs, and the problem was solved. We also did a lot of work on my food sensitivities, and now I have it down to two food groups I can not eat, gluten and most dairy. At one point, I also could not eat corn, soy, and nuts, which made for a very limited diet. I still avoid corn and soy, but eat them occasionally. Most corn and soy in the US is genetically modified anyways, so I don't want to be eating it.

So what does all this have to do with fertility? You are what you eat. When I could not eat gluten or corn, I discovered that these two items are in EVERYTHING, at least all processed foods. I had to start cooking all my own food from whole ingredients, which in the long run was the best thing for my health. Crap in, crap out, I say. If you want to have good egg quality, look at what you are eating. How many times do you eat out a week? Even places like Whole ~~Paycheck~~ Foods do not use their top quality ingredients in their deli. You don't know what crap they are cooking with to save money. Plus, I know many people who are celiac or gluten sensitive who end up getting sick eating from there. If you don't have time to cook for yourself, then ask yourself why? You probably have too much going on in your life and are stressed out. Stress is the fertility killer.

A lot of women freak out when they find out they have high FSH or are told they have bad egg quality. The average lifestyle of a US woman is not conducive to reproductive health. We work too much, we do too much, we don't sleep enough, and we don't take time to relax or cook a good meal for ourselves. Exercise? Who has time for that? Or we do too much of it to fit into some image of a coat hanger skinny model that the media too often pushes off as desirable. Plus, we live in a toxic world. If we took care of ourselves and identified and eliminated the toxins in our lives, our egg quality would be a lot better.

I was one of those women I'm describing here. My uterine fibroids were a wake up call for me. I had an FSH of almost 18 and was told my eggs were toast two months shy of 39. I changed my lifestyle, cleaned up my diet, and did a lot of Chinese medicine and acupuncture. My FSH dropped and my RE couldn't figure it out. He chalked it up to a faulty lab test. My embryos at age 41 looked like those of a woman 10 years younger than me. One of the key things to turning my health around was getting to the bottom of my intestinal problems and healing my gut. It wasn't easy, and I had to work with a whole team of health care professionals to figure it all out. I'm hoping I can make at least one aspect easy for you by providing recipes for healthy meals. I'm notoriously bad at eating the same things over and over again, which is really bad for leaky gut syndrome. Luckily, I also get bored with what I eat and am constantly looking for new and interesting recipes. Enough talking, let's eat!

Kale and White Bean Soup

This soup became a staple in my house this year. We had an abundance of kale in our garden, and I was looking for new recipes to cook with it. This can be made with sausage or without. I make it both ways, depending on my mood. I will start with the version with sausage. It can be served with rice pasta or spaghetti squash, as pictured above.

1/2 lb. bulk sweet Italian sausage or buy links and take off the casings
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
5-8 cloves of garlic, minced
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
4 cups chicken broth
one 15oz can of cannellini, white kidney beans, or great white northern beans, drained & rinsed
4 cups packed chopped kale (stems removed)
1 Tbs. fresh lemon juice OR one 15 oz. can of diced tomatoes
1 cube of frozen basil or 2 tsp of dried Italian herbs (can be a mixture of basil, marjoram, thyme, & oregano)

Toppings:
minced fresh parsley (optional)
grated romano cheese

1. If serving with spaghetti squash, bake spaghetti squash by cutting in half, scooping out the middle with the seeds, and placing in a baking dish cut side down with about 1/4" of hot water. Bake at 400 degrees for 45 minutes or until done.
2. Start the soup by browning the sausage first. In a skillet, break the sausage up into bite size pieces and brown. Set aside when done.
3. In a soup pan, saute onions and garlic in olive oil until translucent.
4. Add browned sausage, 3 cups of chicken broth (reserving 1 cup), kale, salt, pepper, Italian herbs, and half the rinsed beans (reserving the other half).
5. With the other 1 cup of chicken broth, put in a blender with the other half of the rinsed beans. Puree until smooth, and add to the soup.
6. Add tomatoes, if desired. Otherwise, add lemon juice at the end.
7. Bring soup to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer for 15 to 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.
8. If you are not serving with spaghetti squash, cook pasta while you are waiting for the soup to finish.
9. Add lemon juice to the soup at the end if you did not add tomatoes earlier.

Vegetarian version:
Substitute chicken broth with vegetable broth or water.
Instead of sausage, use another can of cannellini beans. Blend one can of beans with 1 cup of water or broth, and put the other can of beans in the soup unblended.

Serve with grated romano cheese and minced parsley. Yum!

Blowing Sunshine up My Skirt

2009-01-14T19:54:00.007-07:00

Periscope up!

I was quite nervous today for my hysteroscopy. I didn't know what to expect since I had been asleep for my last one, as it had been done at the same time as my laparoscopic myomectomy. It was mercifully quick, though I didn't care for the blowing air up my who-haa. My new RE is so damn cheerful, I thought it was a nice metaphor that he was blowing sunshine up my cha-cha instead. I was relieved to hear, "everything looks good!" I was so nervous that I didn't sleep much last night, but I did not have a trauma reaction!! I hope I can finally sleep tonight.

We went over the dates with the nurse. For me, the transfer has to be at or 5 days after the new moon. We aren't getting anywhere near that fertility-sucking full moon. End of March it is, which I think is perfect timing for other things I have to get done before then which include:

Buy a Car: I can't possibly do all these appointments without a car, though there are less with the FET - yeah!
Shop for a Shrink: This may take as long or longer than Number 1. I have to have a good shrink in place BEFORE I get pregnant again. Lesson learned from last time: don't let your RE prescribe you antidepressants!
Finish 2008 taxes: We have to get them done early this year to apply for college financial aid for my oldest stepson. Seems weird to be looking at colleges and trying to get pregnant at the same time. What's wrong with this picture?!

I think I will start my groveling now. Ladies, if you have any left over meds from your cycles, would you be so kind as to donate them to me? I need the following items:

Lu.pron (brand name, not generic)
Vi.velle patches, 0.1 mg
PI.O
Pro.metrium 200mg or Endo.metrin

Please e-mail me at phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com if you can help out. Many thanks.

Magic asked me tonight, "what is the next thing you are not looking forward to doing?"
Me: "Forking over a bunch of money."
Me: "Taking birth control pills."
Me: "Shooting up Lu.pron."

What is the next thing you are not looking forward to doing?

Re-Group

2009-01-13T22:29:00.003-07:00

I'm nervous. Tomorrow is my hysteroscopy with the new doc to make sure everything is A OK in Uterusville. Then, the FET consult. Dates. Drugs. I don't know if I'm ready for this. We don't even know if FET is the thing to do. Maybe we should just start all over with fresh eggs? But can I go through all that stress of the unknown and fun life and death decisions? Can I leave my babies in frozen suspension forever?

On the bright side, I joined a new support group today and did not have a trauma reaction after telling my story. Whoo hoo! I practiced the techniques my trauma therapist gave me in which I cycled my nervous system. I could actually feel the cycling as I sensed into my feet and toes as I felt the intensity of the emotion rise up. I felt myself trembling to let off some of the energy. The night is still young, and sometimes the reaction is delayed, so we shall see. Maybe I'll have one big massive trauma meltdown in the doc's office. Nah. I usually can dissociate enough to make it through, though I may walk into some walls or some such delirious behavior. Can't I just stick red hot pokers in my eyes instead? It sounds so much more sooooothing.

I did figure out that some of my craziness this past weekend, in addition to the full moon induced lunacy, was a stuck trauma reaction. I think I was having this energy come up that wanted to move through. I was soooo angry. Then, I would crying for no apparent reason, just because it felt good. Magic wanted me to tell him what was going on. I said I didn't want to talk about it. The truth was, I didn't have an answer and was annoyed that I didn't know what was going on.

Until tomorrow...

More Lunacy

2009-01-11T17:49:00.005-07:00

I felt like a lunatic today. I'm not PMSing, so that can't be it. I'm blaming the moon. I never do well during the full moon. The last full moon I had my car accident, and it was when the moon was closest to the earth. This full moon was the same situation, the closest the moon will be to the earth in 2009.

I saw an astrologer before my first IVF cycle. You do desperate things when spending $20k a pop on getting pregnant. I found out that the my most fertile time of the month is 3 hours after the new moon. It coincides with the cycle of the moon when I was born. I think this is why I don't do well during the full moon. My first IVF cycle was not timed right for the moon cycle, but I thought it was a bunch of hooey. After I did not stimulate well and I had my IUI, I was cursing that full moon. I knew it was screwing with my fertility. I won't make that mistake again.

And now time for Question and Answer from a couple of posts ago:

Q: Did the man who did your reading have any suggestions as to when would be a good time to do a transfer or what conditions were conducive for her to accept you?
A: I did get a vague answer about when to try next. Let's just say that Magic and I are in negotiation with our Sp.ir.it baby about when she will be ready to come.

Q: Have you considered meditating before/after the transfer to encourage her to come to you?
A: I'm supposed to be doing this every day now. I slacked off for a couple of weeks, and don't usually do it when I am tired in the evening. I think this is vital, establishing communication with my sp.ir.it baby now. If you want to hear it from the source, click on this link and listen to Podcast #17, "Why communicate with your sp.ir.it baby?" You will find it under the right menu titled "Previous".

Q: In regards to the FET - have you considered doing an FET at another clinic - transferring the embryos to another place, that you have never been that has no feelings associated with it?
A: This is exactly what we have decided to do. I've been assured that the clinic that we are switching to does this fairly often. I didn't get any indication that it would be problematic in terms of using the medium that our embryos were cultured in from our old clinic.

It was difficult for me to switch. I had a lot invested in the old clinic. I also really wanted them to take responsibility for their actions, but I didn't really have any indication that they would. Therefore, there was no reason for me to stay with them, especially considering how hard it was to get a hold of my RE. I had to run the gauntlet through the receptionists and nurses. God forbid I had a life when my RE did call, and I couldn't take it if I was in a meeting at work. He would get a bit frustrated if he had to keep calling me back. I would reply, yes that pesky job gets in the way! I think the final straw was reading in my medical records about the conversation he had with another doctor I saw while I was pregnant. I was shocked that he was not concerned enough to call me about my mental state after this other doctor called him to inquire about the anti-depressants he had prescribed me. I was no longer his problem.

My new RE is very responsive via e-mail. Once I let him know that we were ready to proceed, he e-mailed me back that he would have his staff call me to schedule my appointments. I thought, yeah, right. Sure enough, they called me the next day. I can't remember that ever happening at my other clinic. Actually, I was kinda hoping they wouldn't call me. I don't think I am quite ready. I had a dream last night in which I was pregnant and having a panic attack.

Which made me realize I have not found a new psychiatrist yet. In addition to the tests I need to have done to prepare for my FET, I also have to find a new shrink. That task seems daunting to me, but an absolute necessity. I'm not going into this without a back up again. That really was lunacy.

Gluten Free Fridays: Minestrone Soup

2009-01-10T13:09:00.011-07:00

I'm cheating a little here because I'm actually writing this post on Saturday. However, this is what I ate yesterday on Friday. No, not a cupcake, minestrone soup. I recently added gluten-free blogs to my blogroll, as cooking and eating are two of my favorite past times. Blame my Italian genes.

I am gluten sensitive. I do not have celiac disease, but personally, I don't see much of a difference. If you can't eat gluten, you can't eat gluten. I guess with my gluten sensitivity, I do not get vilely ill if I eat a little bit of gluten. I might get depressed or I might feel achey in my joints or muscles. Gluten can cause a lot of problems if you are sensitive to it, including infertility.

Gluten 101
Gluten is a protein in wheat, rye, barley and oats that is responsible for making breads, pasta, and other baked goods stick together. Actually, oats itself does not have gluten, but it is usually contaminated with wheat, so unless you buy oats from fields and factories dedicated to process oats only (2 or 3 companies in US & Canada), just figure it has gluten. The oat grain and the wheat grain look almost identical, so it is difficult to process wheat grains out of oats. Wheat is slightly larger, though these pictures are not to scale:

Wheat grains

Oat grains

Modern wheat has been bred to have higher gluten contents than historical wheat varieties. Gluten is the sticky stuff that holds bread and other baked goods together. Plant breeders figure the more gluten the better, but modern wheat is harder to digest as a result. Some people can eat spelt or kamut. These are basically old varieties of wheat that have not been messed with like modern wheat, but wheat just the same. If you can't have gluten, spelt or kamut won't do either.

Interestingly enough, my little old Italian grandmother had asthma, so way back when people were not so savvy about gluten sensitivity, her progressive doctor told her she could not eat wheat, only rye. Rye has less gluten content in it than wheat.

Every Friday, I will try to include little tidbits of interest on the effects of gluten on the body. I know a lot of women who are told to avoid it if they have fertility problems. I decided to cut it out for several reasons, including mental health, digestive problems, fibroids and fertility. I recently found out I have osteopenia in my hips, which is the first stage of bone loss before osteoporosis. It's probably from all those years I had digestive problems and was not absorbing calcium properly, just another reason not to eat gluten. Enough talking, let's eat!

Minestrone Soup

I miss eating minestrone soup from a can. If you can't have gluten, you can make your own and it's much healthier than the processed canned stuff! I use gluten free elbow pasta. To date, I have not been able to find GF ditalini in the US, and I live in gluten free central. If you have the time, you can cook GF penne and cut them in half or thirds to approximate ditalini. Sorry, no picture, but trust me, it's good!

~1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp butter: substitute with ghee if you can't have dairy or omit
2 cloves minced garlic
1 large onion diced
1-2 medium carrots diced
1-2 stalks celery diced
1 medium potato diced
1 15oz can diced tomatoes
1 8oz can tomato sauce
1-2 Tbsp tomato paste to taste
1 small zucchini
1 tsp oregano
2 tsp salt, or to taste
4 cups GF chicken broth
1 cup fresh or frozen green beans in 1/2" to 1" pieces
1 15oz can kidney beans - drained & rinsed
1 cup dried GF pasta (Tinkyada brand elbow pasta works well)
1/2 cup chopped fresh basil (optional) or 2 cubes of frozen homemade basil pesto
black pepper to taste
Romano cheese to top (optional)

Add olive oil, ghee, & onion to a large soup pot and saute until the onion is translucent. Add garlic about half way through this.

Add celery, carrots, potato. Saute for another 5 minutes.

Add tomatoes, tomato sauce, oregano, salt, chicken broth, and tomato paste.

Bring soup to a simmer. Cover and cook for 15-30 minutes. Veggies should be tender. In the meanwhile, start your water boiling for the GF pasta.

Add green beans, kidney beans, zucchini, and fresh or frozen basil. Simmer for another 10-15 minutes. While this is simmering, cook your GF pasta separately and add to the soup after the soup is fully cooked.

Serve hot and top with freshly grated romano cheese. Yum!!

Sinking Feelings

2009-01-08T20:36:00.004-07:00

I finally came to the realization, with Magic's help, that I can not go back to my old RE. I think it came down to feeling like I could not trust him or the embryologist to take care of me in the future. I also do not believe they would ever take any responsibility for their carelessness. I have thought about going back many times, rehearsed what I would say to them, and it feels too traumatic. As it is, I dissociated the last time I went to the new RE's office.

I didn't want to check my e-mail tonight. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I forced myself to e-mail him today, my new RE, to tell him that we are ready to move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. I knew he would have answered. I didn't really want to know the answer, to know that I will be going back in that cold environment where I have to shut down my emotions. Where strangers do things to me that I really don't want to think about. And who knows what the outcome will be. It all makes me sick.

On the other hand, I want to meet her so badly. I hope she will accept one of our frozen embryos. I don't know if I can go through another loss. I don't know if I can go through another IVF cycle. I hope that she will come this time. I hope she is ready. I hope I am ready.

The Year of Loss

2009-01-05T12:27:00.008-07:00

New Year's Eve is usually a time to reflect on the previous year. For me, it was just another blow, just another loss to top off an incredibly crappy year. Let's review the year's losses:

lost my mind
lost my pregnancy
lost my equity, at least half of it

and to top it all off, New Year's Eve

lost my car

After waiting for over two weeks, my insurance company finally decided to total my car. I was bummed. My car represented to me something that I bought that I totally loved. After buying a house that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes in my life, I bought my car and I loved it.

After The Reading with the author of "Sp.ir.it Ba.bies", I was very disoriented. It was as if I was in that spiritual plane. I should not have been driving, let alone been talking on my cell phone while driving. My boss called me. She was making sure I was going to take care of some things before I went on vacation. I told her I was coming in. I told her I would take care of those things, but she just kept asking me again. She heard the whole thing. She heard me screaming on the phone. It was deja vu to me. I had two premonitions about the car accident that week, two feelings of screaming on the phone while getting into a car accident. I thought I was just having another anxiety attack, that my craziness was coming back. I was distracted driving and made a bad judgment call. But for whatever reason, I felt it was meant to be. I have mild whiplash. Parts of my face still goes numb, which kinda freaked me out at first, but I'm getting used to it.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. Although I loved my car, which was a 2000 Toyota RAV4, I'm thinking that maybe I should buy a compact SUV that has a better safety record, like a Subaru. My mothering instincts are telling me to buy the car with the better safety ratings and side air bags if I'm going to be transporting a baby around. Besides, it's just a car. I can get over that pretty easily. I would like to get opinions from my readers, so I will put a poll up. Which car should I buy?

Let's recap the good things that happened in 2008, and there were a few bright spots in The Year of Loss:

I learned a lot about trauma first hand. I know this sounds like a weird thing, but the trauma of my pregnancy highlighted the trauma of my childhood. The trauma of my car accident did not have any emotional baggage associated with it, so I am learning how trauma stays in the body and mind. That's one reason why I think the car accident was meant to happen. It's all this circle, and I think getting to the source of all the traumas in my life will ultimately be helpful.
Magic's hip surgery was a success.
Fluffernutter, my cat is still alive at 19 and still holding on.
I had one of my best gardens ever with a killer basil harvest, which I am still enjoying.
I sold my house. I lost half my equity and more money just fixing up the place to sell it, but it's gone. I won't be losing any other money on that. I bought when the market was high just after Bush came in office and sold when the market was at the low just before Bush left office. I needed the money in my equity and I didn't want to wait 3-4 years to the market to recover to sell it. Plus, I would have had to sink more money into my house to keep it up. Thanks a lot Mr. President. Don't let the door hit you on the way out of office!!
I paid off most of my outstanding bills. I'm out of debt, for now.
I found out I really didn't lose my mind. From The Reading, I discovered that I was in tune with what was happening on this other spiritual plane. Sorry to be vague, but most people wouldn't really understand. Nevertheless, the whole experience sucked. Oh wait, this is supposed to be the happy list...

I thought 2007 was bad. 2008 was worse. Regardless, I do know that things could be a lot worse. I just hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us who need it.

Show & Tell: Gastronomic Olympics

2008-12-27T15:30:00.002-07:00

Ravioli pin with homemade Christmas ravioli

Christmas to me is synonymous with homemade Italian cooking. Our tradition growing up was either to have homemade lasagna or homemade ravioli on Christmas day. My Grandma Cookie's lasagna recipe is to die for. As with all Italian cooking, every recipe is very specific to the town and family that makes it. My grandmother Guiseppina's lasagna takes two days at a minimum to make, with three days being more comfortable, hence the reason it is only made at Christmas. I have made it several times on my own, and everyone who has had it has never had anything as wonderful like it.

When I made the decision two years ago to go completely gluten-free and dairy-free for the sake of my health and fertility, I though my Italian traditions were dead. Last year, there was no Italian homemade lasagna or ravioli for Christmas. My SIL made Christmas dinner, but I brought lavish homemade appetizers as I missed my Christmas tradition of spending two days in the kitchen cooking. We stuffed ourselves so much with appetizers that we could have skipped the Christmas meal entirely!

A couple of months ago, my supervisor told me about a book signing her neighbor was having for her new book, The Gluten-Free Italian Cookbook. I went to the author's house and got a demonstration on how to make gluten-free pasta. I think I had three helpings of homemade gluten-free fettucini, it was so good! Mary, her sister and I swapped stories of our families and their recipes, and they were remarkably similar. The pictures in Mary's cookbook of her Italian relatives cooking looked just like my relatives! I felt like I was at home.

Visiting my parents a couple of weeks ago was the perfect opportunity to try out these recipes. I packed all my odd arrangement of flours in my suitcase, hoping they wouldn't be confiscated by airport security. My Mom watched and told stories while my Dad and I played with the unfamiliar gluten-free dough. Surprisingly, my Dad had never made ravioli before, so he was learning as I was. We sat down to a dinner of our beginner's ravioli, and my Mom and Dad gave their "pretty-good" seal of approval, proving the experiment as a success! The menu for Christmas dinner was set.

As for dairy, the only cheese I allow myself to eat now is from sheep's milk. I discovered that sheep cheese is the oldest type of cheese in Italy and probably what my genetics are adapted to digesting the best. I grew up with big jars full of grated pecorino romano to season our Italian meals, so it works out pretty good for my traditional Italian recipes. I carted home 3 pounds of pecorino romano in my suitcase from Florida because it was so cheap there compared to here. The things I will do in the name of Italian cooking!

Christmas Eve morning found me searching for ravioli recipes on the internet. I wasn't quite satisfied with the recipe my Dad had given me and I needed an additional vegetable ravioli filling for the less carnivorous of our guests. I found a reference to this book, The Lost Ravioli Recipes of Hoboken, which isn't so much of a cookbook as a quest to find the authentic family ravioli recipe. By noon, I had a copy of the book and a newly bought ravioli pin in hand, which is shown in the picture above. The first roll of the ravioli pin and it's perfectly pressed squares of ravioli brought shouts of, "that's so cool!" from me, my stepson who was the designated pasta machine cranker, and Magic. To watch Laura Schenone, author of The Lost Ravioli Recipes of Hoboken, use a ravioli pin to make ravioli, click here to watch her YouTube video. I'm more partial to the gigantic round ravioli that fills you up after eating about four of them, but you eat double that because they are so good.

In my last post, my friend at Geeks in Rome suggested I order gluten-free pizza and skip the two day cooking extravaganza that is required of the traditional homemade Italian Christmas dinner. Christmas without Italian just isn't quite right to me, and no, store bought pizza will not do. Spending two days or more in the kitchen to make Christmas dinner for me is akin to salmon swimming upstream to spawn and geese flying south for the winter. It's a behavior that is deeply imprinted in my genes. I knew waking up Christmas day that I wasn't going to have time to change into my holiday attire, let alone put on makeup, but no one seemed to care. Once I started rolling out the steaming ravioli to the dinner table, it was all about the food. I also made the best meatballs and braciole in my life. Everyone had fun saying their new Italian word braciole, pronounced bra-zjole (like hole, but with a z as in Zsa Zsa Gabor), which is basically a meat roll stewed to perfect tenderness in the tomato sauce for two days.

The tradition of Italian holiday home cooking yanked me out of my holiday funk. During my two days of gastronomic olympics, I listened and sang to the Messiah so many times that I'm happy if I don't sing another Hallelujah chorus for another year! My back was so sore the day after Christmas from all the cleaning, cooking, rolling of dough, and cleaning dishes that I truly felt like I had been through some kind of athletic event! Many of my relatives have given up this tradition because it's too time consuming. Would I do it again? Heck yeah, it was worth it (but not for another year)!

And what Jewish-Italian-Christmas would not be complete without the traditional Hanukkah bush?

Mel's Show & Tell

Something in Me Has Died

2008-12-23T22:36:00.003-07:00

I think this is otherwise know as trauma. I was feeling all great and hopeful after our clairvoyant reading, until I talked with my SIL. I told her how we were going to try again, and she says, what if X happens again. I couldn't believe how insensitive she was. I spent the rest of the weekend crying and depressed. I didn't even want to go to the Messiah Sing-a-long, which I do every year around this time. I didn't feel like singing anything, let along Hallefuckinglujah.

In fact, I just feel like a part of me has died. I feel no joy in my heart. I didn't even do anything for Winter Solstice, one of my favorite holidays because there is no hype about it. I just didn't feel like celebrating the coming of light. I got in a fight with my stepson about him smoking pot in our backyard, which we have told him numerous times is not cool. I'm grumpy all around. I hate all the commercialism of Christmas. I hate all the buying and I hate how my stepsons are materialistic monsters. Magic and I agreed not to buy each other gifts this year. I am so grateful to cut down on the amount shopping this year. I hate what infertility treatments have done to me.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means the two-day Italian Christmas cooking extravaganza begins. I somehow roped myself into cooking for 10 for Christmas. It's homemade ravioli this year, and yes, I'm doing it all gluten-free for all my Jewish friends and relatives! Now I just need to get to Whole Paycheck for their 36 hour Christmas Eve shopping spree. I can shop at 3am there if I want. Just what I wanted for Christmas. Bah humbug!!

The Reading

2008-12-20T20:44:00.001-07:00

This is a private post. If you have access, please click here to read.

Just FAT

2008-12-19T06:44:00.002-07:00

I heard from a co-worker that one of my employees was worried about my car accident because she thought I was pregnant. This is not the only "fat" reminder I have gotten over the past couple of months. Another co-worker did flat out ask me if I was pregnant about a month ago. Even my chiropractor asked me last week if I had gained weight. Note to self - lose weight I gained after pregnancy loss. I gained about 8-10 pounds, which really shows on my thin frame. I was planning on starting a running program, but that all got nixed with the car accident. I have to get my back and neck healed first. It's amazing how much my body is holding on to this weight. At least I am not gaining anymore. Just please stop assuming I'm pregnant! I'm just fat.

Full Moon Madness

2008-12-12T22:28:00.002-07:00

Magic and I had our reading today with the spirit baby clairvoyant. He told us all kinds of wild stuff, but our direction was made clear. I will share the reading on my private blog in a future post.

Shortly after the reading, I got into a car accident. I think I'll be ok. My car is not. Luckily, my acupuncturist, who I now call "the Emerald Mountain", or Em for short because she has an amazing capacity for compassion, was able to get me in for a treatment.

I'm off to visit my folks, so I probably won't be checking in before I get back. Au voir!

Enlightenment Training 101

2008-12-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was very uplifting. After my self-indulgent wallowing last post, I thought I might return to more self-pity, but it was quite the contrary.

First, let me take a moment to glow in step-motherhood. Yes, you heard it right. I am so amazingly proud of my stepson who completed his first enlightenment training this weekend. He started meditating recently on his own. I wanted to encourage him, so I told him I would accompany him and a friend on a weekend enlightenment 101 training. These courageous seventeen year-olds braved their minds and sat on their butts all weekend. I felt the gap in our ages shorten greatly after this weekend.

Having done this training before, I qualified to staff the weekend, being a kind of enlightenment training gopher. Part of my gopher activities was to escort participants to interviews with a meditation instructor. I could not help but overhear comments of some of the interviews. I thought one woman said she was pregnant, and I thought "oh, no, pregnant-woman-magnet returns". However, I would later put my proverbial foot-in-mouth. Later in a discussion group, I looked at this woman and thought, "but she doesn't look pregnant". Shortly after I had that thought, she talked about how she had had an ideal pregnancy and had lost her daughter two days after her due date. One day she had a heartbeat, and the next day none. Her daughter's cord was wrapped around her neck. I felt so heartbroken for this woman, but she talked about it with such grace and acceptance. It had only been a few months. This weekend was helping her and her husband deal with their loss. She was so cheerful about it, embodying the teachings of the weekend. There is a lot to be cheerful about, even though there is loss, depression, and despair. I think it's part of our basic nature, cheerfulness, if we let it shine. Perhaps that is what I have been experiencing lately, that cheerfulness in spite of a devastating loss. I think I have been mistaken again. I thought it was because I was happy not having children. Maybe it's just because I am.

Typical, my mind is always trying to find an answer - like picking at a daisy - she wants children, she doesn't want children, she wants children... Again, I just have to resist letting my mind take over like a wild horse.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I have told myself that I will not make anymore decisions until tomorrow. I have come to the conclusion that I will never come to a decision from my mind. I have been trying to engage my heart, but it's so much harder for me to listen to her wisdom. I have a hard time discerning what she is trying to tell me anymore. There is too much residual trauma for me to know what are my true feelings and what is a trauma reaction. I hope that tomorrow will bring some clarity and resolution. But maybe it will just bring more questions?

Who Am I Kidding?

2008-12-05T22:21:00.003-07:00

ICLW kicked my ass. I wasn't quite prepared for all the pregnancy announcements and joyous postings about babies. Nevertheless, I made some new friends who I will be stalking from now on, so I guess it was worth it!

In the meanwhile, I took my baby holding adventure on T-day and kid playing the rest of the weekend as good news. My niece even called me a "child magnet". Apparently I am the "pregnant woman magnet" as well. One of the formerly pregnant women came back to work this week, and I avoided all the hallway twitter. Yet the newest female co-worker who announced her pregnancy at a division staff meeting chose to sit next to me. I didn't even say boo about her announcement, so I'm not sure why she chose to sit next to the least chummy person in the room. I just go into avoidance mode/deer-in-the-headlights-mode/not-going-there-mode. As much as I appreciate my life as it is right now sans bebe, I still get that gut wrenching heartache when someone announces their pregnancy or gushes about their children. I'm all Zen one moment and devastated the next. Seriously, who am I kidding?

Thanksgiving Up Side the Head

2008-11-28T02:59:00.005-07:00

It all started last weekend. A friend of mine invited me to his annual pre-Thanksgiving potluck. Since Magic and I aren't invited to many parties, I figured we better go! Turns out I knew most of the people there, and their kids. It was great seeing everyone, but I was not prepared for the effect of seeing the little ones on me. It brought up another wave of grief which surprised me in a way. I thought I'd moved beyond that, or at least, wanted to believe so.

As the actual day of Thanksgiving neared, I dreaded it. I knew there would be more small children and I didn't want to go through the same thing I did last weekend. I worked late Wednesday so I could spend less time with Magic's relatives, and avoided the kids that night. I was dreading going to my SIL's all day yesterday. When I had arrived, I saw two baby carriers. No one had warned me that my SIL's friend with the twin infants would be there. I braced for an internal meltdown.

Instead, I leaned into it. I asked to hold both of the twins at one point. I successfully held one of the girls for about five minutes or so, to the amazement of both parents, as this girl apparently doesn't like to be held by anyone but her mom and dad. They made having twins look easy.

One of the things that has to happen before I transfer my frozen embryos is that I need to be ok with twins. When I first saw those twin baby carriers yesterday, I thought the Universe was being cruel, but upon reflection later, maybe I was being pushed in a direction I wouldn't have chosen to take otherwise. I call these "spiritual 2 by 4s", as in, getting whacked upside the head by one. I think if I had known that there would be twin infants at Thanksgiving, I would have stayed home. I'm glad I didn't know. I actually think I needed a whack to get me out of the funk I'd been in the last day.

One other observation, the panic attacks are lessening. The trauma therapy seems to be helping me. My session on Monday is what really tipped off that wave of grief. I did not specifically work so much on my loss, but this awful feeling I have gotten since a child in a recurring nightmare. I don't have the recurring nightmare anymore, but I get the same feeling from the nightmare in conscious life now. I have never figured it out. We just worked on regulating my nervous system in the session, and not the content. The content isn't the point in trauma therapy. It's all about the nervous system, or as my therapist would say, nervous system calisthenics. I'm learning how to move back and forth between focusing on a happy memory, which makes me physically feel relaxed and calm, to touching into the trauma or unhappy memories. It helps me not get stuck in the trauma or negative feelings. I can't say I regulated very well yesterday, though I did recognize that I was stuck. I was obsessing on the negative.

I'm not ungrateful. I actually am more grateful now since my tragedy than before. I have regrets and a lot of grief still. I've been able to make some progress with forgiving myself, but it can be hard on days like yesterday. I was sick and in a completely different place back then. I can't change what happened, but I can learn from it and hopefully move on.

Unidentified Uterine Object

2008-11-25T22:30:00.002-07:00

A lot has gone on in the last week. I've had my share of poking and prodding and it actually went ok, minus one mini meltdown. I'd pretty much had my fill of injections, detections, inspections, and neglections after the last IVF, so I wasn't in a big rush to have my body messed with for awhile. When I finally got around to getting my teeth cleaned by my sadistic super-anal dental hygienist, I was chastised for not having gone for 10 months. Needless to say, I did not elaborate on the infertility massacre with the four part harmony and the twenty seven three-by-four glossy ultrasound pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one. But I didn't come here to write about my dental health today.

I went to the big-shot fertility clinic yesterday to get more inspections, detections, and neglections. I got the ultrasound, the 3-D ultrasound, the uterine artery blood flow check, and the antral follicle count. I hadn't had three out of four of these last things for my last cycle at the "clinic-across-the-tracks", and it didn't seem to matter as neither my uterus nor my eggs were the problem. I passed the uterine-artery-blood-flow-whosiecallsit, failed the antral follicle count, though they were nice enough not to say it in those terms, and found a mystery blob in my uterus, though it's "so far away that it won't be a problem for pregnancy". So somewhere out there in the universe of my uterus is an Unidentified Uterine Object. The baby-faced Dr. G, who looks like he just graduated from college, couldn't tell me for sure if it was a fibroid or what. At least he gave me the same answer as Dr. W did two months ago and yesterday's ultrasound tech, who I think was also in the Class of 2008 along with Dr. G. It hasn't gotten any bigger in the last two months, so I guess I'll keep doing what I've been doing.

In defense of my ovaries, I'd like to clarify that I personally don't think I failed the antral follicle count. I'm 42, and I think seven is a very respectable resting follicle count for my age, thank you very much. Oh, they would want me to do a clomid-challenge-test for them, to which I'll probably reply something eloquent like, "up yours," or calmly point out that I think we have enough information about my ovaries after one clomid challange test, one IUI cycle with clomid, and two IVF cycles with different protocols. Besides, clomid makes me crazy, and you don't want to see me crazy do you??!! That's already caused enough problems.

Anyways, let's not put the cart before the horse, shall we? I still have frozen embryos that I need to decide what to do with. I won't be making any decisions before December 12th. That's the date I find out if the buyer for my house gets their loan, and the same date I have the reading with the baby psychic. Do not attempt to adjust your computer screen. You read that right. I'll be having a phone reading with Walter Maki.chen author of the book "Spirit Babies". I need specific information and I believe he can give it to me.